(A customer walks up to the counter.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

(The customer gives me a smile.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

(The customer puts a dollar bill on the counter, puts a bunch of coins on top of it, and slides it towards me.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

(The customer slides the money closer to me.)

Me: “What is it you want me to do with this?”

(The guy gives me a blank stare.)

Customer: “I want a five dollar bill for that.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

(I open the drawer, count his change, and give him a five dollar bill. He slides the bill back to me and stares again.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Can I buy five dollars of lottery with this?”

Me: “Oh, sure. You have to say that, though.”

Customer: “You couldn’t tell?”

Me: “No.”

(The guy gives me a blank stare.)

Me: “You could have paid with the change, too.”

Customer: “But I needed five dollars for lottery.”

Me: “The coin came to five dollars, though.”

Customer: “I guess it did.”

(I slide him the lottery ticket.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything else?”

(The customer walks away.)

(On my first day of training at a major bookstore, this happens.)

Customer: *sets down “Mein Kampf”* “Don’t ask.”

Me: “…”

(It’s the day after Christmas and my boss decided to keep our small dry cleaning store open even though many of our regular customers are on vacation. There are several employees currently working, including myself. Our store lights are on and there are several cars in our parking lot. I am standing in front of the store at the counter waiting to greet and serve customers.)

Me: *greets customer that just walked into the store* “Hello!”

Customer: *walks up to me with a confused expression* “Are you guys open today?”

Me: *hesitating to answer because I’m not sure if he’s joking* “Yes… we are!”

Customer: *looking relieved* “Oh, good! I have a coat in my car that needs cleaning. I’ll go get it!”

(As the customer left to retrieve the coat in his vehicle I looked around me to figure out why he could have possibly thought we were closed. Lights on, several employees busy completing tasks throughout the store, a parking lot with cars in it, and an unlocked door. I just laughed and shook my head before the customer came back in with his coat.)

(I’ve worked in UPS’s retail store for a little over two years now and I can say from experience that Christmas time is not the most wonderful time of the year. If you think people don’t understand anything normally, they understand even less when under the stress of the holidays. In the store, packages come in with either prepaid shipping labels given to the customer by the company itself or labels that we print out at the store that the customer has to pay for. I am the only employee in the store and am already stuck with a line of people.)

Customer #1: *puts small box on the counter* “The company told me I didn’t have to pay to ship this back.”

Me: “There isn’t a prepaid shipping label on here. Do you want me to give you a quote and see how much it would be to ship?”

Customer #1: “Are you serious? I was told this was free! How much is this going to cost me!?”

Me: “That’s going to be about $12 to ship back.”

Customer #1: “WHAT?! That’s ridiculous! I shouldn’t have to pay for this. The company told me it was free! How dare you people try to rip me off!”

(The woman proceeds to switch between yelling at me and mumbling to herself and refusing to pay so I try to help the customers behind her.)

Customer #1: *storms out but stops at the door and turns to me* “MERRY CHRISTMAS, B****!”

Me: *stares at her dumbfounded, and then just turns to help the next customer* “Uh.. I’m so sorry about that.”

Customer #2: “Oh, my god. All right, well, I need to ship these toys to [Location].”

Me: “Sure, no problem.” *finishes shipment and customer goes to leave*

Customer #2: “Merry Christmas, b****!”

Me: “Merry Christmas to you, too!”

(My daughter’s father and I have separated, and she is crying a lot in school because of it. We have a meeting with her teacher, and she suggests maybe making a CD that our daughter can listen to in school to help calm her down. On the drive home, we are discussing what songs we can put on there.)

Daughter’s Father: “There’s this one song I put on when she’s with me that she likes dancing to.”

Me: “Is it school-appropriate?”

Daughter’s Father: “Yeah, it’s by Michael Moore.”

Me: “…”

Daughter’s Father: “…”

Me: “Who?”

Daughter’s Father: “Michael Moore. You know, the thrift store song guy!”

Me: “You mean Macklemore?!”