Me: *Answering a call.* “[Reference Library], how may I assist you?”

Caller: “Do you know what temperature you set the oven to, to cook garlic bread?”

Me: “Uh… not really, no. Sir, you’re aware you’ve called a library?”

Caller: “Yeah, and you should have all the answers!”

Me: “Have you tried looking at the packaging?”

Caller: “My girlfriend threw it in the trash.”

Me: “Is it salvageable?”

Caller: “You mean, can I get it from the trash?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “I mean… I guess?”

Me: “I would recommend doing that.”

Caller: *Deep sigh.* “Fine. I was hoping to avoid that.” *Click.*

I shrug, chalk it up to quirks of the job, and get on with my day. 

Half an hour later:

Me: *Answering a call.* “[Reference Library], how may I assist you?”

Caller: “Does eating burnt garlic bread give you cancer?”

Patron: “How do I check out books without opening an account?”

Me: “You can’t do that without an account, ma’am, but you’re free to browse all of our books on the premises without one.”

Patron: “If I give you all my information, I’ll get hacked and have my identity stolen!”

Me: “We ensure your data is stored safely, ma’am. Either way, there’s no way to check out a book without an account.”

Patron: *Sniffs.* “Fine. Can I use the computers without an account?”

Me: “The computers usually require a membership card to be scanned to be used, but I can offer you a guest pass.”

Patron: “Does my information go on the guest pass?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Patron: “Will I be able to access my email on the computer using a guest pass?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Patron: “And will the guest pass get my email information?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The guest pass is used to log in only.”

Patron: “Hmm, no. I won’t risk it. I don’t want my personal information out there.”

Me: “What do you need the computer for, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Patron: “I need to print out a document.”

Me: “If you like, you can email it to the library email address and we can print it for you for the same fee.”

Patron: “…fine.”

She gets out her phone and emails the document. I send it to the printer and tell her it will take a few minutes because the printer is slow and needs to warm up. She accepts this and goes to use the restroom.

She leaves her phone on the counter as she does so.

The phone is unlocked. 

The document she emailed to me, the one that is printing out in front of me while she is gone, contains all of her personal information, including her social security number.

Me: *When she comes back.* “Ma’am, I suggest you keep your phone with you at all times, and keep it locked when not using it.”

Patron: *Rolling her eyes.* “Don’t be paranoid!”

I work at an academic library that has five floors. The higher you go, the quieter you have to be.

A student/patron comes down to us at the front desk (on the first floor).

Patron: “Someone’s fallen asleep on the fifth floor.”

Me: “Thanks for letting us know.”

Patron: “I think you should go wake him up.”

Me: “Why?”

She puts a finger up to her lips to indicate a request to be silent. We do so, and I can hear a phone vibrating.

Me: “Is that my phone or yours?”

Patron: *Pointing upstairs.* “That’s him… and it’s not his phone.”

The point was made… LOUD and clear!

There is a popular, award-winning drag queen group in Sweden who specialise in children’s story time. It’s a great show with lots of singing and dancing and glitter and kids love it. Several of the libraries in my part of the country has had them booked lately but we haven’t been able to fit them in yet.

A lady comes up to me in the information desk, holding a program for the spring events.

Patron: “Are you going to have those drag queens here as well?”

Me: “No, not right now. We have other children’s activities booked this spring. Maybe after the summer.”

Patron: “You shouldn’t! Strange men playing dress up like that don’t belong around children! Who knows what their agenda is?”

Me: “[Drag queen group] are professional actors and educators actually, but no one is forcing you to go see them. Are there any other activities I can interest you in?”

Patron: “Yes, I want two tickets for me and my grandchild to the children’s theater show next week, the one with the frog.”

Me: “Sure, I’ll put you down for two tickets. Just so you know, the actor playing the frog is a man.”

Patron: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “You just said that men playing dress up don’t belong around children, so I thought I’d let you know what you would expose your grandchild to by coming to the show.”

Patron: “That’s not the same thing! This show is about a cute frog falling in love, it’s got nothing to do with the “rainbow people”!”

Yes, she makes actual finger quotes. I give her the tickets, and she leaves. My coworker has overheard the conversation.

Coworker: “Do you think you should have told her that the frog falls in love with a duck?”

Me: “Maybe. I didn’t tell her that [Frog Actor] happens to be gay either. Her head might have exploded.”

I volunteer at a library, and one day I witnessed this gem. Now, I don’t remember exactly, and I walked in halfway through the story, so it’s not word-for-word.

A woman with two young children is arguing with a librarian.

Librarian: “I’m sorry, but we can’t let you do that.”

Patron: *Holding books.* “You mean just because I moved out of [Library Area], I can’t use this library anymore? What kind of bull-s*** is that?!”

Librarian: “You can use the library at [Patron’s New Town].”

Patron: *Shouting.* “I’m not doing this f****** s***! You need to do what I say! I’m not arguing in front of my kids! Just know, I will write to the town and get you fired!”

She then storms out with the books in hand.

I later found out this woman tried to borrow books, but couldn’t, because she moved to another town, then yelled at the librarian when she explained it.

The librarian never got fired and still works there to this day. The woman never did return those books, though.