(I work in a library. I am setting up half an hour before opening. Our overnight returns is just a “hole in the wall” style with a flap that lifts up, rather than a proper chute. I am setting up the returns room computers, when I turn around and see a head wedged sideways in the overnight returns.)

Me: *screams and jumps*

Customer: *with head in overnight returns* “Can you help me connect to the Wi-Fi?”

(I work in a library that allows patrons to use a computer for two hours a day. You either need a library card with us, or you can purchase a guest card for $2.00. Most patrons don’t balk at paying $2.00 for two hours.)

Patron: “How can I get on the computer?”

Me: “You can either buy a guest card for $2.00, or you can use your library card to log on to the computer.”

Patron: “D***! I have to pay?”

(I assume that he doesn’t have $2.00 on him.)

Me: “Well, if you don’t have a library card, yes, but you can sign up for a library card free today.”

Patron: “What do I need?”

Me: “I’ll needs to see two proofs of address stating that you live in our county.”

Patron: “Well, I ain’t got that!”

Me: “Then it looks like you’ll have to pay $2.00 to get on the computer today.”

Patron: “I was in the military; do I get a discount?”

Me: “For $2.00? No, sir. We do not offer military discounts. I’m sorry.”

Patron: “Y’all are trying to take all my hard-earned cash.”

(The patron then pulls out a wad of hundred-dollar bills. He unfolds at least ten, and gives me a twenty.)

Patron: “I want all my change back, too!”

Me: “Sure thing, sir.”

(I work in a library.)

Older Lady: “Is there a table where I can plug in my laptop?”

Me: “Right over here, at this table.”

(I walk her over there and show her the power strip.)

Older Lady: “But how am I supposed to plug it in?”

Me: “You just take the cord… and plug it in.”

Older Lady: “But how?”

(I eventually deduced that she thought we just had a supply of power cords sitting around. Fortunately, I was able to sign her on to a library laptop, and all was well after that.)

(One of the librarians I work with is close to retirement age, and it’s no secret she despises technology and doesn’t even make an effort to help patrons with any questions that are even remotely technical. This means when I work the reference desk with her, I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to help everyone at the public computers while she sits at the desk staring off into space. It’s not unusual for me to come back to the desk and find a line of people waiting for me to help them, as she’s told them, “I can’t help you, but [My Name] can when she gets back.” I come back to the desk after helping someone print a document and she tells me there’s a phone call that needs help.)

Coworker: “It’s a [downloadable eBook service] question, so I put them on hold.”

Me: *resigned* “All right.” *I answer the phone* “Thank you for holding. This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Patron: “Hello! Thanks! I just had a quick question. How many books can I check out from [downloadable eBook service] at one time?”

Me: “You may check out five titles at a time.”

Patron: “Great, thanks!”

Me: *thinking there must be more, as even my Luddite coworker could have answered that one* “Did you need help downloading titles to your device?”

Patron: “Oh, no, I just wanted to know how many I could borrow at once. Thanks, bye!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Goodbye.”

(I hang up the phone and look at my coworker, trying not to get frustrated.)

Me: “[Coworker], you could have answered that. It wasn’t anything technical; she just wanted to know how many books she could borrow at once.”

Coworker: *defensive* “Well, I didn’t know! She just said she had a question about [downloadable eBook service], so I put her on hold.”

Me: “You could have at least asked what her question was! She was on hold for over five minutes for a question you could have easily answered in thirty seconds!”

Coworker: “Whatever. I don’t understand all that stupid technology stuff.”

Me: *sighing*

(Yes, I have complained to our boss, and no, nothing has changed. Occasionally she’ll make a half-hearted attempt to help someone with the printer, only to come back to the desk and get me because it’s “too confusing.”)

(My mother is a children’s librarian at the public library. Sometimes I volunteer to help out during story time. My mother’s coworker has the day off, and she and her six-year-old daughter come in. The little girl has a hearing impairment that requires her to wear hearing aids. As I’m supervising the kids during crafts, I hear this gem:)

Little Boy: *running around before he stops and taps her on the shoulder* “Hey, what are those things on your ears?”

Coworker’s Daughter: *turns around to address him* “They’re my hearing devices. They help me listen. You could probably use some.” *turns back around and goes back to her craft*