They’ve Saigon The Wrong Way

, | Brooklyn, NY, USA | Learning | February 20, 2017

(Two young boys have come into the library and pulled down a massive atlas. The librarian comes over to see what they’re doing.)

Librarian: “Aren’t these big maps lovely? Let’s see, what do we have here… What are you boys looking for?”

Student #1: “We’re gonna find the place where [Teacher] was born!”

Librarian: “Uh…okay. And, can you tell me, where was [Teacher] born?”

Students: *in unison* “Madison, Wisconsin!”

(Pause.)

Librarian: “This is a map of Vietnam.”

(Longer pause.)

Student #2: “So… we’re not going to find Madison, Wisconsin?”

Librarian: “Not on this map. You need–”

(Both boys started sobbing.)

Don’t Let Your Hair Go

| NH, USA | Right | February 7, 2017

(When I arrive at work, I realize I have forgotten my purse. As I am wearing prescription sunglasses and my regular prescription glasses are in my purse, I must return to my car to retrieve it, making me late. My boss is very understanding, but I am still stressed out about it until the following happens on my way back. Note that I am wearing my extremely dark hair in a single braid over one shoulder, black jeans, sunglasses, and a dark turquoise knit tee.)

Little Girl: *waves at me* “Hi!”

Me: *waves back* “Hi!”

Little Girl: “Daddy! Daddy! She looks like Elsa!”

Dad: “She… does?”

Me: “Um, I think it’s the braid.”

Dad: “Oh!”

(It made my day!)

Giving Asthma Sufferers A Bad Name

| North Little Rock, AR, USA | Right | February 1, 2017

(I am working at our main circulations desk when three gentlemen come off the elevator. One of them is slumped over and is being dragged by two men at his sides. The middle man is rasping and is semi slumped over.)

Me: “Sir, is your friend going to be okay? Should I call the ambulance?”

Patron #1: “No, he’s fine. He needs his inhaler, is all.”

Patron #2: “We live right around the block. I think he can make it.

Patron #3: *wheezing* “No…” *wheeze* “…ambulance…” *wheeze*

(I’m a little dubious, but all three of them seem unwilling for emergency help. That sends warning signals off in my head.)

Me: “All right, but let me know if you need any help.”

Patron #3: *drops to the floor* “Can’t… breath…”

(Patron #3 is having a lot of trouble breathing. The other two guys ask that I call 911. At one point during the call Patron #3 passes out and stops breathing. My manager rushes down stairs and directs the EMT to the patron.)

EMT #1: “Sir, they tell us you think you’re having an asthma attack. I have to sit you up for a bit.”

Patron #3: *wheezes* “I can’t sit up!”

EMT #1: “Don’t worry, I gotcha.” *sits [Patron #3] up*

(The EMT checks the patron out but declares he is not having an asthma attack.)

Patron #2: “What the f*** man! You scared the s*** outta us and you ain’t even having an asthma attack!?”

EMT #2: “You’re not having an asthma attack.”

Patron #3: *passes out again*

Patron #2: “Calm down man. It could be something else, we don’t know yet.”

EMT #1: *lifts patrons #3 hand and drops it* “Look, guys, he’s not even passed out. Normally if he was, his hand would fall, but before it hits his face it hovers mid air.”

(We all turn to watch as the EMT lifts his hand and drop it an inch from Patron #3’s face. Of course the hand hovers before he hits himself.)

Patron #2: “What the f***?!”

Patron #1: “You gotta calm down. We’re in a library!”

EMT #2: “Has your friend taking any medication or drugs recently?”

(Both Patron #1 and Patron #2 look back and forth between each other but neither wants to say.)

EMT #2: “We’re not the cops; we just need to know where we should go from here.”

Patron #3: *springs back to life* “I… NEED… OXYGEN… YOU… AIN’T TAKING ME!”

EMT #1: “You’ve got to calm down. We won’t take you anywhere you don’t want to go, but we gotta figure out what’s wrong with you first.”

Patron #3: “I got asthma, that’s what’s wrong! D*** doctors don’t know anything!” *wheeze*

(Patron #3 starts screaming randomly. The EMTs are getting frustrated at the whole group when Patron #2 finally gives them a little bit of information.)

Patron #2: “He’s been drinking all day.”

Patron #3: “Ain’t been drinking! I haven’t had anything to drink!”

Patron #1: “Don’t lie, man. These guys are here to help you.”

EMT #1: “Is that all he’s had today?”

Patron #2: “Well… he’s had [illegal substance], too.”

(Patron #3 stands up and starts swinging at anyone close to him.)

Patron #3: “Get off me man!”

(The cops arrive and try to calm the situation down.)

EMT #1: “Look, we can take him to the hospital right now. They’ll be able to give him something to get his breathing regular.”

Patron #1: “Yah, that sounds good. Come on, [Patron #3], let them take you in, man.”

Patron #3: *takes a seat on the stretcher* “I…” *wheeze* “ain’t…” *wheeze* “going to no d*** hospital!”

EMT #1: “All right, all right… fine. If you can get up and leave under your own power we won’t take you to the hospital.”

(They un-strap him from the stretcher, and we all watch as he stumbles out of the library.)

Manager: “What was he on?!”

EMT #1: “[Illegal substance]. It’s pretty strong stuff. You’re lucky; 90% of the time when we get a call like this they’re are naked, afraid, and running.”

An Undocumented Case Of Stupidity

| USA | Learning | January 28, 2017

(I work the front desk at my university’s library. I often help students print from our large touch screen printer.)

Student: “Excuse me, can you help me print?”

Me: “Sure! Which computer are you printing from?”

Student: “One.”

(I walk him over to the printer and show him how to access the printing queue from computer one. There are roughly fifteen documents that pop up.)

Me: “Okay, which documents are yours?”

Student: “All of them!”

Me: “Okay.”

(I’ve never had a student print so many documents at once, but I figure it’s an end of semester project or something. I put in his print card, select all of the documents, and hit print.)

Student: *grabbing the pages being printed* “These aren’t mine!”

Me: “…”

This Situation Will Just Snake Along

| IN, USA | Right | January 25, 2017

(I work in the children’s department on the second floor of our large public library, so I see some interesting things. There are no food and drinks allowed except in the main lobby area. A roughly ten-year-old boy enters the children’s department.)

Boy: “Can I get logged onto a computer? Oh, and this isn’t a drink by the way.” *he’s holding a styrofoam drink cup*

Me: “Yes, there are computers open in the lab. What’s in the cup?”

Boy: “A snake!”

Me: “What? A live snake?”

Boy: “Yep! I found it outside and I’m taking it home but I wanted to come here first. Can he stay in the cup while I’m on the computer?”

(A bit stupefied by the unexpected situation, I agree. I comes to my senses and realize a minute later that this a terrible idea.)

Me: *goes to computer lab* “I’m sorry, we actually don’t allow animals except trained service animals in the library. You need to take the snake outside.”

(The boy reluctantly agrees to do so. Out of curiosity, I watch him from the windows. The library security guard joins me to see what’s going on. The boy has elected to dump the snake out directly in front of the library main doors, which are automatic and still open behind him. It’s November and chilly so of course the snake is going towards heat, resulting in a desperate game of soccer on the boy’s part. There is general relief from the watching crowd when the snake is finally coerced into the bushes. My coworker stops panicking and everyone resumes normal duties. Five minutes later, an adult man walks into the children’s department:)

Man: “Hey, do you have a hole punch?”

Me: “We should, but you have to use it here at the desk. May I ask what you need it for?”

Man: *holding up Pringles can* “I found this snake outside and I put him in this can, but I want to punch some holes in the lid so he can breathe while I’m here. Can I borrow it?”

Coworker: “Why is that snake back in here again?!”

(Please note that he had to walk through the main lobby, past the circulation desk, past the reference desk, upstairs, and around the corner to children’s. The man was denied use of the hole punch, under duress, and the snake was escorted back outside of the library. Such fuss over an average garter snake!)

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