(We run a number of programs to help parents of children with special needs, so they can access services. We occasionally also give out parenting advice.)

Caller: “Can you tell me what makes someone gay?”

Me: “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

Caller: “Gay. What makes someone gay?”

Me: “Ma’am, if your child is gay, nothing ‘made’ them gay. And being gay is certainly not a disability.”

Caller: “Of course it’s not a disability! What kind of disgusting person thinks being gay is a disability?”

Me: “Then why do you want to know what makes someone gay?”

Caller: “I want to make my son gay. I would love to have a gay child. I’m very open-minded!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t make someone gay. If your son is straight, you can’t change that.”

Caller: “Well, I see on the news all the time about how single parent families have gay kids. I am a single mother, but I still don’t think he’s gay.”

Me: “Um–”

Caller: “Should I show him pictures of gay men having sex?”

Me: *stunned* “Um…I doubt that’s a good idea. You would just confuse him, and possibly scare him. Can I ask how old your son is?”

Caller: “He’s three. I want him to be gay before he goes to school. So if gay p*rn would scare him, should I show him straight p*rn? I really really want a gay son.”

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot show a 3 year old p*rn of any kind! You can’t control your son’s sexuality!”

Caller: “You don’t understand. I’m very open minded! You must just be homophobic.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m gay!”

Caller: “Then why won’t you help me? Don’t you want my son to be gay? He’d be such a good gay man!”

(I’m working in the box office and it’s the opening night of “Brokeback Mountain”. An elderly gentleman and his ten-year-old grandson walk up to my window.)

Me: “Hello! What can I get you?”

Customer: “One child and one senior for Brokeback Mountain.”

Me: “Sir, just so you know, there are some scenes that may not be appropriate for children.”

(He pauses and stares blankly.)

Customer: “Oh, it’s nothing that he won’t see in real life!”

(After he leaves, I inform the manager on duty of the situation. About thirty minutes into the movie, we watch as the grandfather and child literally run out of the theater and out of the building.)

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(I’m a bank teller. I have just politely told a customer I could not cash his friend’s check without his friend present.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Why would I lie? This is a good check.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can only give the money to the person whose name is on the check. It’s nothing personal. It’s just a bank regulation to protect against fraud.”

Customer: “Oh, I get it. All this 9/11 crap, huh?”

Me: “Ha, yeah.”

Customer: “You know, people say that those terrorists want to kill Americans because we have gay people here, but that’s not true.”

Me: “Oh, yeah?”

Customer: “Yeah, we should be blaming heterosexual people. They’re the ones giving birth to those d*** terrorists!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Well, have a good day. Try to become a lesbian… for America’s sake!”

Customer: “Could you tell me if this store is bisexual?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “You know, like men’s clothes and women’s clothes together?”

Me: “Unisex? Yes, ma’am, the store is unisex.”

Customer: “Oh, good. Do you go both ways?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I can help you with all your purchases.”

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(Two customers come into the store wearing a uniform from the same company. Often when this happens, people generally get separate items, then pay for them together, so I always ask to make sure before ringing the items up. They are both male.)

Me: “Hello, are you two paying together?”

Customer #1: “No! We are definitely not together! I’m not gay! We work together. That’s all okay! We aren’t gay together! He’s not my boyfriend and we are not a couple! Not that I’m against… You know… I’m not prejudiced! BUT WE AREN’T TOGETHER!”

Me: “Sir, I asked if you are paying together.”

Customer #1: “Oh… No. Separately. Which is what we are. Separate. Not a couple.”

Customer #2: *trying not to laugh* “Sorry about him.”

Me: “Don’t apologise! You guys just made my day. But, you know… separately.”

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