Has A Speech Prepared Right Out Of The Gay-te

, , , , , , | Working | March 1, 2018

(I’ve been working at a grocery store for a few months with a manager who is, frankly, a miserable human being. He’s aggressively rude, blunt in all the wrong ways, and quick to lambaste you for minor mistakes and ride you on them for weeks. And, unfortunately, upper management is terrified of doing anything to him because he’s openly, flamboyantly gay and cries discrimination and homophobia the second someone so much as criticizes him. After finally having enough, I’ve decided to quit and decide to let him — the main reason for it — know exactly what I think about him.)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name], I heard you’re ending your employment with us. That’s a shame. Is there any reason in particular?”

Me: “Well… It’s a coworker issue, mostly.”

(He shoots me this toothy smile like he knows I’m about to say something he can twist. Not wanting to give him even a shadow of a chance of playing this game with me, I cut in.)

Me: “Let me tell you something about myself. I’m in a romantic situation that would make churches in this area try to exorcise us: I’m in a polyamorous relationship with three other people, including a trans-woman and another man. I’m so comfortable in my pansexuality I make you look straight; I’ve just never dared use it as an excuse for abusing people and getting away with it. I’m quitting because you’re an abusive creep of a manager and absolute scum of humanity; it has nothing to do with you being gay, or camp, or whatever. You’re just an a**hole.”

(At that, I flick my name-tag onto the table and toss my company vest off, while he and the rest of the office stand there, too stunned to respond.)

Me: “By the way, last night when he came in, I told your husband I saw you kissing [Coworker] a week ago. I heard you say you wondered why he went to his parents’ and didn’t call you last night; there you go.”

(I left just in time to hear him process what just happened and start freaking out. To his credit, though, a coworker I kept in touch with told me I humbled him pretty badly — even if I ruined his marriage — and he has started taking criticism on how to be a better person.)

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Next Time, Print Them A Clue

, , , , | Working | March 1, 2018

(I am waiting for something to be printed off. There are two women talking in front of the printer, so I assume they’re waiting, like me. After a few seconds, though, I realise they’re just gossiping. My report hasn’t printed yet, so I continue to wait.)

Coworker #1: “Excuse me. Do you mind not being so nosey?!”

Me: “I’m not even paying attention.”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, right. Why don’t you go bother someone who’s actually interested?”

Me: “This is the closest printer.”

(They both look at each other, confused, completely oblivious to the printer behind them.)

Coworker #2: “Whatever chat-up line that was meant to be, it didn’t work. Also, I’m married.” *shows ring*

Me: “So am I. I’m waiting for the printer.”

Coworker #2: *shouts* “Oh, so we have an adulterer in the office!”

(This gets the attention of everyone around us, and both women start ranting at me for being a misogynist. My report finally finishes printing.)

Me: *interrupting* “Sorry, but I’m already late for a meeting.”

(I reach my arm forward and both women lean away from me in disgust. I grab my report and turn.)

Coworker #1: “HOW DARE YOU TRY—”

Coworker #2: “Oh, [Coworker #1], we’re in front of the printer!”

(I heard a lot of laughter as I left for the lift. No one tends to hang around the printer anymore, thankfully.)

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Making It A Laborious Labor Day

, , , , | Right | March 1, 2018

(I work at a popular retail chain in the copy and print department. It is Labor Day, so because of shortened hours, I am working from open to close, alone. A very unhappy man wants some flyers printed off of his flash drive.)

Customer: “I want this flyer here printed at a full half-page. I want like 100 or 200 printed.”

Me: *pulls up document, checks the actual size of the image in inches* “Sir, it looks like this image is 5×5 inches, which is a perfect square; without stretching it out of proportion, it won’t fill it. There will be a white border around some of it in order to keep the proportions of the image in check and not obscure it. I can show you the biggest I can print it without stretching it.”

Customer: *silent*

Me: *prints off the sample document and shows it to him*

Customer: “This won’t work; I need it to fill the whole half of the page.”

Me: “The only way that I can do that right now is to put it into Photoshop and stretch it out of proportion in order to fill it.”

Customer: “No! You shouldn’t have to do that! I had this file made specifically for this; there’s nothing wrong with it!”

(My manager has come over because she needs to count the tills and lock the doors.)

Me: “Okay… Well, because the image is square, it won’t fill it without me stretching it, which might make the small words on the bottom here hard to read.”

(I print him a few more sizes as examples. We get probably eight different sizes printed for him.)

Customer: *looks at all the different sizes of images on the paper in front of him* “I don’t feel like you guys are giving me the time of day. There’s a way to do this, but you guys are just making it harder than it really is.”

Me: “Like I said before, in order to meet the criteria of the image you are requesting, I would have to stretch it to fill the half page, because the file is square and the paper is rectangular.”

Customer: “I deserve more attention than this.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but like she said, it’s not really coming out.”

(I look at the clock and it’s now 6:27, three minutes before I’m supposed to clock out and go home. I haven’t even touched my closing duties because I’ve been helping this guy.)

Me: “It’s 6:27. I need to start cleaning up soon; we’re supposed to be leaving in three minutes.”

(The customer ignores my comment. We print him off some more sizes.)

Customer: “I don’t get why you guys just can’t do this.”

Me: “If you want, I can take down your name and phone number, and I can leave a copy of the image in our customer files. When I come back in the morning, I can make it the correct size, since there isn’t much time tonight to fix the file and print off a hundred flyers.”

Customer: “No, I feel very disrespected. I want my flash drive back.”

Manager: “I’m sorry that you feel that way. We didn’t want to make you feel that way.”

Customer: “Then, why can’t you guys just print it correctly?”

Manager: “It’s just that we closed at six, and it’s a holiday.”

Customer: “Oh, so, you closed at six and it’s a holiday; that’s your excuse. I’m going to make sure you both get written up about this.”

Me: “Yes, we closed over a half hour ago. Did you still want us to try and work on it tomorrow morning?”

Customer: “No! I know there’s nothing wrong with this file. I paid to have it made.”

(The customer storms off towards the doors. My manager follows to she can open the doors and move the gate. As he is leaving, he is making it obvious he is looking for contact information somewhere by the door, and then, thankfully, he wanders off into the night. My manager comes back to the print department.)

Manager: “Well, he was kind of rude, wasn’t he?”

Me: “Yeah, but what can we do?”

(We were both late in starting our closing duties, so we didn’t finish until a half-hour after we were supposed to have already left. My manager said he probably would have been happier had someone with “more technical experience” been working. I don’t know if she meant me or her, but I’ve printed off hundreds of different flyers, so I know how to do it. I might not know every trick in the book. Maybe there was an easier way, but either way, we tried. The next morning I saw my manager again. She told me that she kept waking up last night because of that guy. She was so worried that he was really going to report her that she kept checking our customer survey review website to see if he had anything to say.)

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Your Timing Is Just Sick

, , , , | Healthy | March 1, 2018

(It is evening. I feel I am getting the flu, and that it won’t be better in the morning. I let my team manager know that I will call in sick tomorrow. I stay home for two days and show up at work again. In the stand-up meeting, my manager addresses me.)

Manager: “[My Name], I want to talk about how you called in sick recently. It’s a pity you did so in the evening. It was too early. You should have waited until the morning, like always, and decided then.”

(Everyone in the circle nods and sighs.)

Me: “I don’t understand. I mean, it is good to know it up front, so you can plan ahead with my colleagues.”

Manager: “No, that is not how it works. You showed yourself weak by calling in early. Never do that again.”

(As a result, from then on, those few days a year I was actually sick, I always waited until at least eleven in the morning until I called in, despite HRM wanting to know it as soon as possible every day.)

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You’re Under Attax

, , , , | Right | March 1, 2018

(It’s not uncommon around where I live for people or businesses to leave off sales tax when customers pay in cash. Because this is illegal, my business does not leave tax off, but many customers are still used to this practice. I’ve had many variations of this conversation:)

Me: “Hello! Your total today will be $425.”

Customer: “Okay, but I have cash so there’s no tax.”

Me: “Sorry, sir. Your material is taxable, so I’ll have to charge sales tax.”

Customer: “What?! What are you talking about? I’m. Paying. In. CASH. NO TAX!”

Me: “Sir, it is against the law to not charge tax on taxable items.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t see how that’s my problem!”

Me: “Sir, I am not willing to get in trouble with the government over your $25 in tax money. If you do not intend to pay the full amount, I’m afraid you will not be leaving here with your material.”

Customer: *pays, but leaves muttering about us and the government*

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