A Positive Sign

, , , , | Hopeless | May 7, 2018

(Minneapolis has an annual zombie pub crawl. There’s 10,000 people in attendance and there’s drunken chaos everywhere. It’s late in the night and I’m quite drunk myself. I am trying to get some water from a very tired bartender.)

Me: *yelling* “Can I get a water, please?”

Bartender: “What?!”

(I try several more times, and the combination of my current state and the noise makes her unable to hear me, so I do the only thing that makes sense at the time.)

Me: *in sign language* “Can I have a water, please?”

Bartender: *jumps excitedly, nods and grabs me a water*

Me: *signing and matching her excitement* “You know sign language?”

Bartender: *signing* “Yeah, my grandma is deaf. Have a good night!”

Me: *signing and giving her my last $5* “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

Your Argument Is Plastic

, , , , , | Right | December 5, 2017

(A husband and wife pull up to the store in a large SUV. They order their food, and are very nice throughout the entire ordering process. However, after they pay, I make the dire mistake of bagging their items when I am informed their food is to go.)


Me: “…bagging your things?”


Me: “Yes?”


Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry about that.”

Wife: “It’s just that plastic is TERRIBLE for the environment! I know it’s not your choice to use them; it’s the company’s, but it’s just so irresponsible! You’ve really upset me! I cannot believe you tried to give me PLASTIC!”

(As she continues to ramble about how she knows it’s not my fault we use plastic bags, but subtly hints that it actually is my fault, I recall the car she and her husband drove up in. I look out the window for a few long moments and eye her car before I look at her meaningfully.)

Me: “Is that your SUV? How many miles per gallon does that get?”

(The woman turned bright red, grabbed her food, and ran out. Her husband apologized to me about “all that” and gave me a tip before he left.)

Very Human Resources

, , , , , | Right | November 3, 2017

(I’m answering phones for a big department store when I get this interesting call.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. What can I help you with today?”

Guest: “Can I speak to a human?”

Me: *pauses* “Yes.”

Guest: “Oh, is this a human?”

Me: “Yes, my name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Guest: “Is your store working today?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Guest: “Like, can I go in and shop?”

Me: “Again, yes.”

Guest: “Well, thank you, human.”

Me: “Thank you for calling. Have a good day.”

I Say Potato, You Say Fat

, , , , | Friendly | September 15, 2017

(My grandfather has relayed this story a few times from when he was a kid in the early 1950’s, and says it has always bothered him. In the story, my great uncle walks into the room first. He is a large and stocky person.)

Neighbor: “Looks like you’ve been eating your potatoes.”

(My grandpa walks in. He is very skinny and lanky.)

Neighbor: *looking back at great uncle* “Looks like you’ve been eating his potatoes, too!”

Unfiltered Story #92587

, , | Unfiltered | August 31, 2017

I work full time as a Security Guard at a High-Rise Condominium downtown. I have been working at this building for a few years, so I know the place like the back of my hand. A group of people visiting a unit in the building walk up to the Front Desk and this conversation ensues:
GUESTS: Where is guest parking?
ME: Right down the hallway
I go back to my responsibilities. a few seconds later, the group returns.
GUESTS: Where is the REAL guest parking?
ME: That is the only guest parking we have.
GUESTS: You’re lying! We didn’t park our car there!
ME: That’s the only guest parking we have
GUESTS: You’re lying!
ME; Where did you park?
GUESTS; In guest parking!
At this point, I figure out that they must be confused with another level of our parking ramp, so I decided to approach this a different way.
ME: Who are you visiting?
GUESTS: [Name] in unit [number]
I look through my resident parking list and find that this specific resident parks in a spot that is visible from my vast array of camera angles. I review the camera and see these same people with their resident host parking and leaving a minivan in this resident’s space several hours earlier. This is perfectly legal since the resident gave them access to his/her spot, but it is not our guest parking.
ME: I found where you parked, please follow me.
The group follows me to the parking level where we walk out the elevator, out a lobby door, and into the ramp. As soon we enter the ramp, the guests declare: “This is not where we parked!”. We are about 20 spaces away from the place where I think they parked; I convince them to keep walking towards the spot. As soon as we get to the spot where they are parked. The men in the group exclaim: ” thank you, may you have seven [women] [please] you tonight.” I have strict moral standards, but I just let the comments go and make sure the group leaves safely.

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