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At Least He Remembers Your Name! We Assume…

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 11, 2022

My boyfriend and I are doing some Christmas shopping. We decide to go into a department store to look for a kitchen item his mom has asked for. The entrance takes us by the jewelry section, so I stop to look at the pretty sparkly things. The main display we see is one centered around birthstones.

Me: “Oh, opal. That’s October’s birthstone.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, that’s too bad for you.”

Me: “Um… I think opal is pretty; it’s my mom’s birthstone. But I said it’s for October; it’s not my birthstone.”

Boyfriend: “Oh… right.”

Me: *Suspicious* “You know when my birthday is, right?”

Boyfriend: “Umm…”

I address him by his full first name instead of the shortened version he goes by.

Me: “[Boyfriend], when is my birthday?”

Boyfriend: “Listen—”

Me: “I know your birthday! It’s [his birthdate]. When is my birthday?”

Boyfriend: “I only know two birthdays, okay? My dad’s and my sister’s. I don’t even know my mom’s, because we always celebrate it on Black Friday regardless of when it actually falls.”

Me: “I know your mom’s birthday, too! It’s [her birthdate].”

In his defense, I only know this because his mom’s birthday JUST happened.

Boyfriend: “Um…”

Me: “Do you know what season it’s in, at least?”

He responds after way, way too long thinking about it.

Boyfriend: “Summer?”

Me: “Yes. Do you remember sitting outside at [Restaurant] for my birthday?”

Boyfriend: “Ohh, right. Please ignore me while I answer this totally unrelated text…”

Me: “You’re checking your calendar, aren’t you?”

Boyfriend: “[MY BIRTHDATE]! It’s [my birthdate].”

It’s been a few months. I’m not sure he’d remember if I asked him again!

Persistent, But Not Overly Creative

, , , , , | Legal | May 5, 2022

Our front desk receives its share of junk calls: scammers, cold-callers, magazine shills, and also conniving recruiters. The first time I get it, I have no idea what’s going on.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Company #1], this is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller #1: “Hello! This is [Caller] with [Company #2]. I’m looking for [Employee #1]; I wanted to talk to him about collaboration on an upcoming project.”

I start looking up the employee.

Me: “Let me just check to see if he’s available. Can I ask if this is about a project that’s currently underway?”

Caller #1: “No, it’s not a current project, but it’s about a prospective upcoming project we want to collaborate on.”

Me: “Ah. Can I get some details on the project in case I need to take a message?”

Caller #1: “Of course! The project is—”

The line goes dead; there’s a hang-up tone in my ear — just as I find the employee, too. At the time, I think that it’s a glitch in the system that caused the call to drop. I pass along the few notes I have to the employee, but as we didn’t get a callback number or anything, there’s not much to do with it.

Within two days, I’m picking up another call.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Company #1], this is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller #2: “Hello! This is [Caller #2] with [Company #2]. I’m looking for [Employee #2]. I wanted to talk to him about collaboration on an upcoming project.”

NOW it’s twigging. The formula is almost identical, and it hasn’t been that long, so I remember it pretty well.

Me: “Can I ask if this is in regards to a project that’s currently underway?”

Caller #2: “It’s not. We’re trying to get collaboration on a future project.”

Me: “Can I get some information on the project in question?”

Caller #2: “Of course! The project is—” 

The call dropped.

One time I could call a freak accident, but twice almost the exact same way? I looked up the company name. The results I saw were for a recruitment firm, not a firm in our actual industry. I sent out the message to watch out for them so anyone else picking up the phone knew that we didn’t want to pass them along.

To date, I’ve picked up six calls from these folks. I’m waiting to see if they come up with an actual fake project to talk about. So far, they haven’t.

This Is Your Brain On Autopilot, Part 3

, , , , | Working | April 28, 2022

I work at a tax office doing people’s taxes. My signature phone greeting is, “Hello, this is [My Name] at [Company]. How can I help?”

I’m on the line with tech support and I’m waiting on hold. All of a sudden, the hold stops.

Tech Support: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] at [Company]. How can I help?” *Pauses* “Wait! You’re supposed to be helping ME!”

This Is Your Brain On Autopilot, Part 2
This Is Your Brain On Autopilot

Inhospitable At The Hospital

, , , , , | Healthy | April 27, 2022

I’m in the hospital right now, and I’m a fall risk, so I’m not even allowed out of bed without someone present. My only option for food is the room service menu since I can’t go to the other food places in the hospital or get delivery to the front desk. Their ordering hours are 6:30 am to 6:30 pm every day. I am cutting it close and call at 6:25 pm one night.

The lady starts taking my order and then snaps: 


The offending item was hummus on a tortilla wrap with lettuce and tomato.

He Needs An Injection Of Brain Cells

, , , , , , | Healthy | April 14, 2022

My friend is a bit of a moron. He’s not a bad person, and he’s not an anti-vaxxer, but he legitimately didn’t seem to think that getting vaccinated was important until all his coworkers started getting sick with the latest variant of a particular contagious illness.

As soon as the third coworker where he works caught [illness], [Coworker] scheduled an appointment to get vaccinated, but he could only find one three and a half weeks out.

Sadly, he tested positive himself four days before the appointment. This absolute moron of a man decided to go and get vaccinated while currently sick with the illness, despite my efforts to convince him to wait, because, and I quote:

Friend: “I ain’t waiting another three and a half weeks. I’m ready to do it now, and I’m gonna get ‘er done.”

He was in the emergency room the next day; the vaccine had made his symptoms worse. He spent two weeks in the hospital.

About two weeks after that, he tested negative for the illness. He’d been testing every two or three days. He told me:

Friend: “Oh, good thing. I got my second dose of the vaccine yesterday.”