In late 2019, I lose my job to downsizing. While my husband and I are out shopping shortly thereafter, his mother calls.

Husband: “Hello?” *Pause* “Hang on.”

He puts the phone on loudspeaker and turns the volume down.

Husband: “What’s going on?”

Mother-In-Law: “I just went by your house.”

She lives over an hour away, so showing up out of the blue is uncommon.

Husband: “Any particular reason?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, I just wanted to tell you about the great deal [Multi-Level Marketing Company] has right now!”

She has been in this MLM for nearly twenty years. She will “recruit” when there are rewards she wants and then harass her recruits into finding more people so she gets greater rewards. We made the mistake of enrolling about ten years ago but cancelled after a few months of her harassing us about “not wanting to build a business.”

Husband: “No, thanks.”

Mother-On-Law: “But you enrolled before!”

Husband: “And unenrolled. We aren’t interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, how long will you be out? Are you coming home soon?”

Husband: “We are not interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name] could do it; she doesn’t have a job. It’s easy!”

Husband: “Mom. Listen to me. The answer is no. Never again.”

My mother-in-law growls and hangs up.

Me: “Is she serious?”

Husband: *Sigh* “Oh, probably.”

The next day, she texts me.

Mother-In-Law: “You liked [Multi-Level Marketing Company] products, right? They’re so much better for you than grocery store products!”

Me: “I’m not enrolling again.”

I get no answer.

A week passes without a word from her. Then, a package with [Multi-Level Marketing Company] on the box, in my name, is delivered to our front porch. My husband calls his mom, but she doesn’t answer. At the same time, I call [Multi-Level Marketing Company] directly, not willing to give [Mother-In-Law] a chance to explain. The representative is incredibly cheerful for the entire conversation.

Representative: “Hi there, thank you for calling [Multi-Level Marketing Company]. My name is [Representative]. What should I call you?”

Me: “Um… [My Name].”

Representative: “Hello, [My Name]! How can I help you?”

Me: “I, uh, I got a package from your company but I never signed up for anything.”

Representative: “Hmm. Let me take a look here. Could I verify your info?”

I give my name, phone number, and address.

Representative: “Okay, it looks like you just enrolled. Congratulations!”

Me: “No, see, I didn’t enroll. I’ve said no to [Mother-In-Law] so many times I’ve lost count.”

Representative: “Oh. Well, it says on my computer that [Mother-In-Law] enrolled you four days ago. If you’re having second thoughts about your products, we can discuss crediting your account—”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re just doing your job, but I definitely did not enroll. If you have an account in my name — which you clearly do — it is fraudulent.”

Representative: *Less cheerful* “Oh. That’s pretty serious. Um, let me put you on hold. Okay?”

Me: “Okay.”

Several minutes pass. Call waiting shows that my mother-in-law is now trying to call me. I reject her call.

Representative: “[My Name]? Thank you for holding. I spoke with your enroller and my supervisor and… well… I’m not sure how I can help you.”

Me: “You can cancel that account or—”

Representative: “Are you sure you don’t want to just give it a try for a few months?”

Me: “No. Close it now or I will file a lawsuit against [Multi-Level Marketing Company] for allowing someone to open an account in my name without my consent.”

I have no idea if this is actually possible or if I’m just talking out my a**.

Representative: “But you’ll miss out on—”

Me: “Now.”

My mother-in-law calls again and I reject it.

Representative: *Heavy sigh* “All right. I’ll send the cancellation forms. We have [email] on file.”

The email address is my mother-in-law’s full name.

Me: *Stressed laugh* “No. Use [my email], please.”

Representative: “Okay. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you.”

Me: *Relieved* “Thank you. I’m sorry you’re the one who picked up my call. I appreciate your help.”

A moment later, the email came through. My mother-in-law called for a third time and I rejected her again. I sent the forms back and “my” account was cancelled that same day.

I told my husband what she had done and what I had done in return. He sent her a string of furious texts, saying that he could not believe she would go behind our backs like that, threatening identity theft charges, and telling her that we would seek a restraining order if she even so much as mentioned [Multi-Level Marketing Company] around us again. She replied with one message saying we were ungrateful and closed-minded and that she would block both our numbers.

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When my husband and I have our first daughter, she occasionally likes to suck on a soother.  

Mother-In-Law: “I don’t like those things.”

Me: “I’m not a huge fan myself, but they comfort [Daughter].”

Mother-In-Law: “None of my kids ever had those.”

That’s when one of her daughters pipes up.

Sister-In-Law: “That’s absolutely true, [My Name].”

My mother-in-law looks smug.

Sister-In-Law: “Of course, I did suck my thumb until I was seven.”

My mother-in-law scowled and changed the subject.

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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My doctor has filled out the paperwork for me to get a disabled placard. Today, I’m going to the tags place to have it notarized and sent off. I only have $3 on me, though, so I ask my husband to leave me $5 so I have enough when he goes to work.

I get up and go downstairs, looking for the money. I don’t see it. He comes home for lunch before my mother-in-law and I leave, and the following exchange happens.

Me: “Did you forget to leave me $5?”

Husband: “No, I left it where I normally leave it.”

I look around on the floor, thinking maybe the cats knocked it off. It’s nowhere to be found.

My husband asks my mother-in-law if she saw it.

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, I took it.”

We both told her that he’d left it for me for the tag place. She grew all indignant and said she needed money for lunch.

She gave it back to me, but what gets me is that when he leaves money for her, it’s by her spot. This was down at the end of the table where we sit. It was unbelievable.

My mother-in-law works on her own schedule. I am 100% convinced it’s a power play but she insists it’s always just bad luck. It also only seems to impact the events that my husband and I plan. If you tell her to be somewhere by 2:00 pm, she likely will not get there before 3:00 pm. And it’s never her fault; someone else took too long in the shower or traffic was bad or she got a phone call. She also never gives you a heads-up about what time she will actually be arriving.

When my husband and I get married, we decide to go to a courthouse and have a celebration and reception at the local park the next day. The courthouse has us scheduled for 3:00 pm. When we call my mother-in-law to tell her the time, we tell her 2:00 pm. When my husband calls his dad — they’re divorced — he tells them 3:00 pm. Everyone arrives around 2:30, except for my mother-in-law. At 2:55, she comes strolling in, all smiles, and… dressed in white.

Mother: *Fake sad* “I am so sorry I’m late! I hope you waited for me? I can’t miss my son’s—” *air quotes* “—‘wedding.’”

She takes her son’s arm and turns to me.

Mother: “What did you tell the justice? How did you get him to wait?”

Me: *Smiling* “We’re scheduled for 3:00 pm. You’re right on time.”

Her face fell, and she turned red and stormed out. We went through with our “wedding” without her. The next day, she didn’t show up at the park until the very end. She tried to make it sound like we had purposely told her the wrong time and that we wanted her to miss it, but everyone in attendance was familiar with her shenanigans and she ended up sitting alone, pouting.

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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I have a compromised immune system due to an organ transplant, so leaving the house in the middle of a global health crisis isn’t ideal. Usually, my mother-in-law does the shopping for me, leaving the groceries on the front porch so I can get them after she leaves. My house is on the road between her house and the store, but I still leave at least $20 cash in a designated spot for her troubles, and she leaves my bank card in one of the bags.

This week, I asked for cold items, so she walks right into the house. I am surprised because she doesn’t even knock, but I take the cold items from her and begin wiping down each one before putting it away.

I wear a mask and gloves when I interact with anyone I don’t live with. It might be overkill, but I haven’t had so much as a sniffle since I adopted the practice post-transplant, so either I’m very lucky or it works. My mother-in-law, however, believes it’s all some kind of mind-control conspiracy from the government and refuses to “take it up the a** from the government d**ks.” 

She sees me wiping down a jug of milk, stops, and sighs.

Mother-In-Law: “This is a little ridiculous, don’t you think?”

I’m not interested in getting into this with her for the hundredth time. Neither of us is willing to budge and it only ends in anger.

Me: *Shrugs* “Did you get the cookies and cream ice cream? I don’t see it.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, that much sugar is bad for you.” *Quickly* “They were out.”

Me: “It’s bad for me and they were out?”

She waves me off and begins pulling things from the bags and putting them right in the cupboard.

Mother-In-Law: “The odds of dying are so low, it’s basically nonexistent.”

I grab what she put away and put it on the table.

Me: “Okay, well, thanks for going to the store. I’ll let you get your own groceries home. Is my card in one of these bags?”

Mother-In-Law: “It’s not really that bad. The flu kills—”

Me: “The flu kills people like me all the time. My card?”

She crosses her arms, my card in hand.

Mother-In-Law: “If you’re so scared, why are you making me do your shopping?”

Me: “I’m not making you do anything. [Husband] is away — on a job you convinced him to take because it’s more money now that I can’t work — and I’m here alone. For months. If you don’t want to shop for me anymore, I’ll find someone else.”

Mother-In-Law: *With a smug smile* “[Her Husband] tested positive two days ago and he feels just fine.”

Me: “What?!”

Mother-In-Law: “He’s in the car! He’s not even near you.”

Me: “Get out now!”

She throws my bank card on the floor.

Mother-In-Law: “Don’t call me to do your shopping again!”

I called my husband, crying and angry. He told me he would call her, but I told him not to bother. I didn’t want to believe that she would be so stupid and selfish as to expose me to a direct risk like that, but she did. I called my doctor, too, and she told me to go to the nearest testing facility. That was only a few days ago, so I’m still waiting on my results.