I worked in an IMAX theater many moons ago. We were part of a science center, so we only had one screen to show movies. Besides the educational films we showed during the day, we had blockbuster films we showed in the evenings. The current film had an actor who had recently overdosed and died, so tons of people wanted to see his last movie. One night while the movie was playing, a man approached our concessions and ticket stand.

Customer: “Hey, that poster there.”

He points to a ten-foot vinyl poster of the deceased actor.

Customer: “How much is it?“

Me: “Um… it’s not for sale. Sorry.“

Customer: *Obviously not listening* “No, but how much?“

Me: “I, uh, I’m sorry, sir. It’s not for sale.“

Customer: “Okay, but how much would you sell it for? I’m a huge fan.”

He opens his phone and plays a sound clip saying, “Why so serious?”

Me: “It’s not mine to sell. I can’t say. I can take your contact info and—“

Customer: “No, I want to buy it now.“

Me: “Sir, the poster is not for sale. There is no price. You cannot take it.“

Customer: “Okay, cool, I hear you. But give me a number.“

Me: *Fed up* “Ten million dollars.“

Customer: “What?! F*** that!”

The man left and I, thankfully, never heard another word about it.

I have about three people in line, and just as I am about to serve the next person, a lady cuts in and puts her clothing items on the counter.

Lady: “Can I leave these here while I quickly go and look at some other things?”

Me: “They can’t be left on the counter, but I can put them on hold for you until you’re ready.”

Lady: “Oh, no. I want them now. I just want to quickly look at something over there, but you can start scanning them now so they’ll be ready for when I come back.”

I look at her and then look at the line of customers I have yet to serve.

Me: “No, sorry, I need to serve the customers that are already in line.”

I honestly can’t believe I had to state that out loud to a grown woman.

I am a female, and I work in a day spa that is affiliated with a doctor’s office. We do medical massages here for people with chronic pain, fibromyalgia, muscular injuries, or if they just want to relax. In no way should that indicate anything shady, but there are always a few guys that will call and try to get something naughty. I guess that goes with the whole “massage” territory.

I get the following call from a persistent man.

Caller: “Hey, do y’all do guys’ massages?”

Me: *Spidey sense tingling* “How do you mean?”

Caller: “I mean, do y’all work on guys?”

Me: “Oh, sure, we do medical massages here, and we can work on men.”

Caller: “What do you mean, ‘medical massage’?”

Me: “I mean like if you have pain, or an injury, or you want to relax.”

Caller: “Why did you ask me what I meant before?”

Me: “Well, sometimes we get creepy guys calling in to see if we do erotic massage.”

Caller: “What’s erotic massage?”

Me: *Long pause* “You know, I’m not going to explain it to you. We just don’t do that here.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “We’re a medical facility. We don’t do that.”

Caller: *Hangs up*

I thought that was the end of it. Most guys like this leave us alone after they figure out they’re not going to get what they want. But about twenty minutes later, I get another call.

Caller: “I want to talk to the massager!”

Me: “The massage therapist?” *Pauses* “Did you just call here?”

Caller: “I don’t want to talk to you! I want to talk to the person who does the massages!”

Me: “I’m not putting her on the phone, so you’ll have to deal with me.”

Caller: *Hangs up*

Then, fifteen minutes later:

Caller: “Hey, I need a massage.”

Me: “Hello? This is a medical massage facility. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I have a medical problem.”

Me: *Knowing what’s coming and rolling my eyes* “What’s wrong?”

Caller: “I have a medical problem… in my penis area.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that. So sorry.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Because that is prostitution and that is illegal in this county.”

I hang up and tell my two therapists about what’s going on. One of them gives me an evil idea taken from a particular TV show, and I take notes. About two weeks later, I get yet another call.

Caller: “Hey, do y’all give guys’ massages?”

Me: *Playing innocent* “We give medical massages to all genders.”

Caller: “I have a medical problem. My penis is erect and needs a massage to relax it!”

Me: “Oh, dear! Well, I can reassure you, sir, that our medical office can definitely help your penis relax!”

I then launch into a spiel about how our medical office can do a procedure that involves using a needle to siphon the excess blood from the affected area.

Caller: *Very quietly* “Um, that won’t be necessary. The, um, problem went away on its own.” *Click*

We never got a call from him again.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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The sandwich shop is running a special on specific sandwiches sold at $4 for footlongs and $2 for six-inches. My coworker is on break when I get this call from a customer.

Me: “Thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you have a special right now, correct?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, six-inch for $2 and footlong for $4 on cold cut and meatball.”

Customer: “All right, well, during lunch, my coworker was there and he ordered a cold cut for me and I only got the six-inch. Why wasn’t I given the footlong if it was on special?”

I think we made a mistake and her coworker was given the wrong order.

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. Lunchtime is busy so it’s possible there was a mixup. Were you charged for the footlong?”

Customer: “No, just for the six-inch. But if there’s a special, you should have pushed the footlong.”

Now, I’m confused.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, just to clarify, did you want the footlong or the six-inch?”

Customer: *With attitude* “I ordered the six-inch, but you should have pushed the footlong. Why didn’t you sell him the footlong?”

Me: “Seeing as he only ordered the footlong because that’s what you ordered, I don’t know.”

Customer: “Well, that’s terrible salesmanship. I work in retail, and you always upsell, upsell, upsell. So, what are you going to do for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Can I come in and get the other half of my sandwich?”

Me: “Ma’am, you only ordered the six-inch, so I’m sorry, but there is no other half.”

Customer: “But the footlong is only four dollars! You should have made him take the footlong! Did you tell him about the sale? Why didn’t you make a footlong?!”

I am over it at this point and another customer has just walked in. I motion that I will be right there, and they smile and look up at the menu. I address the customer on the phone who is making no sense and just ranting about upselling and poor customer service.

Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but I’m not sure what you’d like me to do. You ordered a six-inch and that’s what was given to you. If we had given you the wrong sandwich or messed up in any way, we’d be more than happy to correct it. But as it stands, there’s nothing else I can offer you.”

The customer is quiet for a moment before saying, in a snooty tone:

Customer: “Can I speak to someone else? Maybe they will know what to do?”

In the end, I passed the phone to my coworker and took care of the waiting customer who was very nice and understanding after I apologized for the wait.

My coworker later told me she’d repeated the exact same thing to the woman on the phone who got even more upset because we weren’t more aggressive with our upselling. Basically, she wanted us to force her coworker to buy something and she demanded the corporate number. I never heard anything else about it.

I work for an Internet service provider assisting sales agents with order entry issues.

Me: “Thanks for calling ISP. This is [My Name]; how can I help?”

Representative: “Hi. I’m entering an order, but it’s not letting me waive their tech installation fee.”

Me: “What services are they ordering?”

Representative: “Only Internet.”

Me: “Ah, for the tech install to be waived, they need to purchase TV services as well as Internet. The fee, in this case, cannot be waived, so the customer will have to pay $49.99.”

Representative: “Is there someone I can talk to?”

Me: “You’re talking to someone right now.”

The representative hung up.