Probably Don’t Have A Needle That Small Anyway

I am a female, and I work in a day spa that is affiliated with a doctor’s office. We do medical massages here for people with chronic pain, fibromyalgia, muscular injuries, or if they just want to relax. In no way should that indicate anything shady, but there are always a few guys that will call and try to get something naughty. I guess that goes with the whole “massage” territory.

I get the following call from a persistent man.

Caller: “Hey, do y’all do guys’ massages?”

Me: *Spidey sense tingling* “How do you mean?”

Caller: “I mean, do y’all work on guys?”

Me: “Oh, sure, we do medical massages here, and we can work on men.”

Caller: “What do you mean, ‘medical massage’?”

Me: “I mean like if you have pain, or an injury, or you want to relax.”

Caller: “Why did you ask me what I meant before?”

Me: “Well, sometimes we get creepy guys calling in to see if we do erotic massage.”

Caller: “What’s erotic massage?”

Me: *Long pause* “You know, I’m not going to explain it to you. We just don’t do that here.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “We’re a medical facility. We don’t do that.”

Caller: *Hangs up*

I thought that was the end of it. Most guys like this leave us alone after they figure out they’re not going to get what they want. But about twenty minutes later, I get another call.

Caller: “I want to talk to the massager!”

Me: “The massage therapist?” *Pauses* “Did you just call here?”

Caller: “I don’t want to talk to you! I want to talk to the person who does the massages!”

Me: “I’m not putting her on the phone, so you’ll have to deal with me.”

Caller: *Hangs up*

Then, fifteen minutes later:

Caller: “Hey, I need a massage.”

Me: “Hello? This is a medical massage facility. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I have a medical problem.”

Me: *Knowing what’s coming and rolling my eyes* “What’s wrong?”

Caller: “I have a medical problem… in my penis area.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that. So sorry.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Because that is prostitution and that is illegal in this county.”

I hang up and tell my two therapists about what’s going on. One of them gives me an evil idea taken from a particular TV show, and I take notes. About two weeks later, I get yet another call.

Caller: “Hey, do y’all give guys’ massages?”

Me: *Playing innocent* “We give medical massages to all genders.”

Caller: “I have a medical problem. My penis is erect and needs a massage to relax it!”

Me: “Oh, dear! Well, I can reassure you, sir, that our medical office can definitely help your penis relax!”

I then launch into a spiel about how our medical office can do a procedure that involves using a needle to siphon the excess blood from the affected area.

Caller: *Very quietly* “Um, that won’t be necessary. The, um, problem went away on its own.” *Click*

We never got a call from him again.

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