I am an engineer at a TV station, and occasionally we get calls from viewers who have reception problems. Some of the calls are beyond strange, like this from a number of years ago.

Caller: “I’m having trouble watching Donahue.”

Me: “I’m sorry… but we don’t carry Donahue any longer; we run Oprah now.”

Caller: “I know that.”

Me: “Is the problem with Oprah or with Donahue?”

Caller: “Donahue! It won’t come in.”

Me: “Okay, [Other Channel] carries Donahue.”

Caller: “I KNOW THAT! YOU NEED TO FIX IT NOW!”

Me: “You’ll need to talk to someone at [Other Channel], since they carry the Donahue show.”

Caller: “NO, YOU FIX IT RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, you need to call [Other Channel]. I can give you their number.”

Caller: “No, I called you.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do anything about [Other Channel]. Why don’t you give them a call?”

Caller: “Their phone’s busy.”

I wish this sort of thing was unusual.

Related:
Network Not Work

My job is to answer the phones in the office to book a service visit or to look up account information. On Saturdays, I’m the only one in the office. I receive two confusing phone calls back to back.

Me: “[Company], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Is [Manager] there?”

Me: “No, sorry, he’s only here Monday through Friday.”

Customer: “Okay, because he called me and I called him back because I need information that he has. So you’re saying you won’t be able to help me?”

Me: “Um, I could look up your account to see if there’re any notes in the system. What’s your address?”

I look up his account.

Me: “Oh, sorry, I don’t have that information in here.”

Customer: “Oh, I know. [Manager] has it. So you can’t help me?”

Me: “Uh, no, he won’t be in until Monday. I can take a message and tell him to call you or—”

Customer: “No, I knew he wouldn’t be in today. I’ll just call him on Monday.” *Click*

The phone is ringing again right away, even though Saturdays are usually very slow. This phone call is mostly garbled as if on a bad cell phone connection.

Me: “[Company], how may I help you?”

Customer: “I got a quote and I want to—” *garbled*

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say you wanted to book a service or to get a quote?”

Customer: “Yes, I want to know how much.”

Me: “I’m sorry, do you need a quote or do you want to book?”

Customer: “I have a quote and I want to know when.”

Me: “Okay, what is your address so I can pull up your account?”

The phone keeps cutting in and out.

Customer: “…[Address] [Street].”

Me: “And how do you spell [Street]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Yes, [Street].”

Me: “Sorry, how do you spell the street name?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You spell it ‘yes’?”

Customer: “I have a quote.”

I died a little inside.

Our store is right across from a football stadium, which lies in a small town. It’s in the middle of tourist season and a French tourist approaches me.

Tourist: *In French* “Do you speak French?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t understand.”

Tourist: *In bad English* “Is it possible to park our caravan outside?”

Me: “Do you mean for the night?”

Tourist: “Yes!”

Me: “That shouldn’t be any problem, but you have to wait until after eleven pm when the store closes, and at eight am tomorrow, when the store opens again, you have to move. Is that okay?”

Tourist: *Happily* “Yes, very good, no problem.”

I have the opening shift the next day. My mother drives to work and behold: around twenty to thirty caravans have taken over the entire parking spots around the football stadium! Apparently, I had misunderstood the tourist.

Mother: *In shock* “Oh, my God! Look at all those caravans! Who gave them permission to park there?”

Me: *Embarrassed* “I think I did.”

That morning, every customer that came to the store was talking about the army of caravans. I never told anyone that it was me that accidentally gave them permission. Luckily, the local football team didn’t have a match that day!

A friend of mine and I are hanging out on the weekend in the next town over, and we stop to get lunch at a deli that’s just opened up that someone else I know has been raving about. The place is small, with several tables close to where you place your order, and all of said tables are full. We walk up to place our orders.

Server: “What can I get you guys today?”

Me: “Can I get a [Special] on white, with no mayo and extra onion?”

Server: “Sure thing!” *Turns to my friend* “What can I get for you, sir?”

My friend is a bit of a picky eater, so it takes him a second to respond. And he tends to like meat and cheese… a lot of meat and cheese.

Friend: *Still skimming the menu* “Yeah… Can I get [Sandwich], no veggies or condiments, with double meat, triple bacon, and quadruple cheese? And some salt.”

The server gives him a strange look and I just snicker.

Me: “He’ll have a heart attack on a bun, basically.”

The server and my friend laugh, and one of the tables behind us pipes up.

Random Person: “Just so you guys know, we’re off-duty.”

I turned around to see who was talking to us; seated directly behind my friend and me was a group of off-duty EMTs, still in uniform! My friend, the server, and I all cracked up laughing for a good minute, and so did the group of EMTs. One of the funniest stars-aligned moments I’ve had to date!

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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I work for an office supply store. I’m packing our truck when something sounds a bit off. I see a customer, in his forties, opening boxes of plastic file folders, five of four different colors per box. He has a bunch of red file folders out of a box and is trying to close up the boxes.

Me: “Hi. Would you like help with anything?”

Customer: “No, thanks. I’m fine.”

After a brief pause:

Me: “Just out of curiosity, why do you have some folders out of the box, and why are you closing up the boxes?”

Customer: “Oh, I just want all red folders, so I’m swapping them out with the other boxes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you can’t do that.”

Customer: “I can’t?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. That’s technically stealing since other customers will want the different colors on the box, so I would have to damage them out. We do sell the plastic folders individually, though, in aisle nine. I’ll help you once I get this all sorted out.”

The customer wandered off as I fixed the three boxes he’d opened, making sure the count was right. By the time I got to the aisle to help out he was nowhere to be seen. Must have found the right items all on his own.