Knows How To Navigate These Noisy Waters

, , , , | Right | November 16, 2017

I work at the Water Bureau. I got a call to go out to a house on a “loud water” complaint.

A nice elderly gentleman came out of the house and told me that the water was louder and it had been that way for a week. I asked many questions to try to narrow it down to a cause, and the gentleman said he hadn’t made any changes to the house or anything different with the plumbing recently.

Finally, I asked him if there was anything new in his life in the last week. The man thought for a moment and said, “Well, I did get new hearing aids last week.”

I suggested that perhaps he could just hear the water better now that he had hearing aids. The man said, “Well, God d***, I bet you’re right! That just proves to my wife I’m not crazy. Thanks!” And he went back into his house.

Another satisfied customer.

That Age-Old Discount Trick

, , , , , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

(My coworker who normally works in the morning is helping a customer at our donut case. It’s about four in the afternoon.)

Customer: “Why are these donuts so expensive?”

(Donuts are 50 cents each.)

Coworker: “Well, they do go on sale later in the evening.” *to me* “What is the deal with donut sale?”

Me: “Donuts are 50% off after five, but you have to buy a dozen.”

Customer: “I have to wait an hour to buy donuts?!”

Me: “If you want the discount. And you have to buy a dozen.”

Customer: “Can’t you just give me the discount? I only want two. I’m old!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t give you the discount.”

Customer: “Well, who can? I’m old!”

Me: “Maybe the store manager.”

(The customer wanders off and comes back a few minutes later.)

Customer: “The store manager said I could have the donuts for half price.”

Me: “Okay.”

(The customer picks out his two donuts and shakes them angrily at us as he walks away.)

Customer: “I’m old!”

Coworker: “I’m middle-aged! Where’s my discount? You’re young! Where’s your discount?”

The Leather Gloves Are Off

, , , , | Right | November 9, 2017

(A polite old lady enters the shop:)

Customer: “Hello there, dear. I was wondering if you have any gloves?”

Me: “Hello. Yes, all the gloves we have are just here.” *shows them*

Customer: “Oh… I was hoping to find some nice leather ones. Oh well, hopefully some old biddy like me will die soon and I can come back and get her gloves, then!”

She’s Suda-Fed Up

, , , , , , | Right | November 8, 2017

It’s the height of our spring pollen season here, and I’m checking out groceries to my customers in front of the big, sliding-glass shop-front doors.

I feel a sneeze coming on, so I turn away from my customer, sneeze, and excuse myself, laughing it off and commenting about the pollen.

My customer is a tiny, wizened little old lady, at least in her eighties.

She blesses me, and, without missing a beat, follows it with, “The d*** pollen’s so thick out there, the druggies are trying to convert their meth back to Sudafed!”

I stare, stunned. That comment has been floating around social media for a couple of weeks now, but this tiny old lady caught me completely off-guard!

Dripping Wet With Double Meaning

, , , , , | Right | November 8, 2017

(The show “Singing in the Rain,” featuring actual onstage rain, has just finished, and the audience is thanking all the actors for a good show. One elderly lady walks up to me.)

Elderly Lady: “Ugh. This show got me wet. It’s a shame; I get wet every other day of the week, anyway.”

(I was scared to shake her hand after that!)

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