Knows How To Push Your (Belly) Buttons

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work the seafood counter, but it is joined with the meat market. Sometimes the seafood staff have to watch to meat counter for a while. For a few weeks, we have this elderly man come in and try to play pranks on the employees.)

Coworker #1: *in meat department* “Hello, sir, what can I get for you today?”

Elderly Man: “Yes, I would like your best pork belly buttons.”

Coworker #1: “Umm… I will have to ask my boss. One moment.”

Coworker #2: “Sir, pork belly buttons don’t exist.”

Elderly Man: “Well, of course they do!”

Wife: “Leave them alone! I am sorry.”

(A few days later, I am working both counters.)

Me: “Hello, sir, what can I get for you today?”

Elderly Man: “I would like some pork belly buttons, young lady.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but your reputation precedes you. Pork belly buttons do not exist. Is there anything that I can actually get you?”

(He laughed at this.)

Wife: “Leave the girl alone!”

Me: “Oh, no worries, ma’am; I already know who he is. Is there anything I can get for you guys today?”

Elderly Man: “I like you!”

(After that he stopped asking, but if I was working, he would smile at me when they passed by.)

Life Beat You To It

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 8, 2017

(My dad has decided he is going to invent a board game, so there are papers with ideas lying around the place. Mum has decided to clean up.)

Dad: “Don’t throw those out; that’s the game I’ve invented.”

Mum: “You invented a game, really?”

Dad: “Yes. As soon as I get it completely done, I’m going to sell it to a game company and make a fortune.” *he then describes the game in detail to Mum*

(A few days later Mum goes shopping and brings home a game. She puts it in front of Dad.)

Mum:  “There you go; there’s your game.”

Dad: “What? Someone stole my idea; I’ve been working on that for months!”

Mum: “It’s been out for years. I thought it sounded familiar when you described it to me.”

(For the record, the game was “The Game of Life.”)

The Golden Years Are Getting Tarnished

, , , | Romantic | August 9, 2017

(I’m visiting my parents and we’re talking about our favorite things to do at the state fair. My parents are both in their mid-fifties and like to joke with each other about getting old.)

Mom: “I like looking at all the antiques they have on display.”

Dad: “You don’t need to look at antiques. You have me!”

Mom: “You’re not an antique!”

Dad: “Just junk?”

It’s Not Always Nice To See More Of Your Mother

, , , | Related Romantic | June 1, 2017

(My mum has gotten a new phone.)

Mum: *sends picture of her cleavage*

Me: “What are you doing!”

Mum: “You like that big boy? You want more?”

Me: “No!”

Mum: *sends more*

(As she is only downstairs, I decide to just talk to her.)

Me: “Mum, STOP! You’re sending those to me.”

Mum: *going pale and checking her phone* “[Last three digits]?”

(I nod.)

Mum: “Oh, my god, I’m so sorry. I’ve got you saved as your father!”

(I’m traumatised.)

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