Me: *sneezes*
Friend: “Oh, my gosh.”
Me: “What?”
Friend: “Your sneezes are adorable.”
Me: “No, they’re not; they’re sneezes. How can sneezing be adorable?” *sneezes again*
Friend: “Well, they kind of sound like—” *makes a cute sneeze noise*
Me: “That is adorable!”
(I have worked in retail since I was a teenager, but on this occasion I am out shopping with a friend. My friend keeps picking up clothing items to look at, and then just dumping them. Almost out of habit, I am following behind her, straightening them up.)
Friend: *noticing me cleaning up after her* “Um… What are you doing?”
Me: “Just folding this up again.”
Friend: *long pause* “Why?”
Me: “Well, part of me just can’t help it, and part of me is getting a little frustrated that you don’t even try to put something back where you found it.”
Friend: “Whatever. Isn’t that their job? I’m helping them, giving them something to actually do.”
Me: *stares* “Seriously?”
Friend: “What?”
(I have a not-yet-folded t-shirt in my hand, and I begin whacking her with it.)
Me: “Don’t. Ever. Say. That. To. Me. AGAIN! Seriously?! You think these guys don’t have enough to do during their shift? You have no IDEA! You’ve seen me after work, right? Remember when we met up after my shift last week?”
Friend: “Yeah?”
Me: “Remember how exhausted I was?”
Friend: “I guess?”
Me: “THAT’S BECAUSE I SPENT MY DAY PICKING UP AFTER OTHER PEOPLE, AS WELL AS DOING MY ACTUAL JOB. STOP BEING A SLOB JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS PLACE!”
Friend: “Okay, okay, jeez! I’m sorry!”
Me: “OKAY! THANK YOU! All right. Now. This shirt is actually really cute, and you should try it on.”
Friend: “Um. Okay.”
(She takes the t-shirt she has just been beaten with and scurries to the changing room. A staff member has been watching this entire exchange, dumbfounded.)
Staff Member: “Dude.” *extends hand for high five*
Related:
Reasons Why Customer Service Should Be Mandatory: #2
(My group of college friends has one fellow who is from a wealthy family in Panama. One day in the cafeteria he gets an orange with his lunch. When it comes time to eat it, he can’t figure out how to get it open. Baffled, we ask:)
Me: “Have you ever peeled one before?”
Friend: “No! That’s women’s work!”
(I have a friend who has one of those always-young faces. She looks a lot younger than she really is. She also has one heck of a smart mouth on her, and has taught me a lot about how to quietly take people down without losing her temper. We work in different companies, but in the same speciality, and we often meet up at work conferences. At one of these conferences, we meet up for lunch and sit at the same table as a husband and wife we don’t know. We get talking, when the man springs this little gem on my friend:)
Man: “You know, the problem is that you young ones in [industry] know nothing, these days.”
Friend: *polite smile* “Is that so?”
Man: “Yes! Now, you should think of doing [professional qualification]. It might teach you something!”
Friend: *thoughtfully, but sadly* “No. I really don’t think I could do that.”
Man: “It’s not too difficult, you know. You could always study and revise a bit first, if it feels a bit too hard.”
Friend: “Oh, that’s not the problem. It’s more of a logistical issue.”
Man: “How do you mean?”
Friend: “I can’t take that course, because I teach it.”
Man: “…”
Friend: *friendly, but wicked smile* “Yes, I’m afraid I’m one of those people teaching the young ones nothing, these days.”
(My husband and I are going through our ornaments and picking the ones that we would like to put on the Christmas tree.)
Me: *holds up a personalized ornament from when I was younger* “Look! This one says ‘Best Friends Forever’ but only has my name on it!”
Husband: “You are an introvert. You are your own best friend!”
