Pop Goes Your Intention

, , , , , , , , | Learning | September 16, 2017

(A student walks into the cafeteria. This student’s family owns numerous local pizza restaurants.)

Student: *to cafeteria worker* “I brought this pastry from home. Can you toast it in your toaster?”

Cafeteria Worker: “If I bring a frozen pizza from home into your uncle’s restaurant and ask him to heat it up in the oven, will he do that for me?”

Student: “Well, no.”

Cafeteria Worker: “Then I guess you’re out of luck.”

This Oven Lives On Bread Alone

, | USA | Learning | July 4, 2017

(I work at a college dining hall with a lot of self-serve areas. One such is the toaster for bread items. The toaster oven is on a rotating grill that flips the bread over when it gets to the end. I go over and see a student put in something that doesn’t look like bread.)

Me: “Excuse me, that doesn’t look like bread you just put in the toaster oven. What is it, please?”

Student: “Oh, no, it isn’t. It’s a hamburger!”

Me: “Really now? Why did you put a hamburger in the toaster oven?”

Student: “It was all wet so I wanted to dry it out! Great idea, right?”

Me: “Well, the burger is covered in grease and what does grease do when it’s introduced to intense heat?”

Student: “The grease melts? Duh!”

Me: “Yes, that does happen, but it also catches FIRE!”

(As I say this it little sparks of flames pop out of the oven.)

Student: “Oh, s***!” *tries to turn it off*

Me: “Yes, turn it off so it stays in a red hot oven and catches fire even more.”

Student: “Well, you should have told me not to do that or posted a sign saying not to do that!”

Me: *as I point to the very big sign saying ‘bread only’* “You mean that sign not a foot away from your face?”

Getting Away With Fraud Is Murder

| Weston, MA, USA | Learning | May 8, 2017

(I just got my food and I’m going to sit down at my table, where our crazy history teacher, who is also a lawyer, is sitting. I overhear the end of this conversation before he leaves.)

History Teacher: “Long story short, if you have the choice between murder and counterfeit, it’s probably best to find someone you don’t like.” *slinks away*

Not Always Delusional

| UK | Friendly | April 28, 2017

Friend: *picking up a spoon from the cutlery table* “Fork.”

Me: “That’s a spoon.”

Friend: “Fork?”

Me: “Spoon…”

Friend: “I wanted a fork.”

Me: “Well, that’s a spoon.”

(He stared at the spoon for a long time before taking it with him. At the time I remember humorously asking myself how he was supposed to eat his soup with a fork, but we later realised that this was the first sign of his delusions manifesting. After he was in remission I asked him what he thought that day. He just laughed and said he thought he could change the properties of things by describing them as something else. To this day he is still one of my closest friends, but he’s started showing signs of relapse. I showed him these websites once (NAR, etc.), and he goes on them regularly. It keeps him grounded reading how ridiculously people can act, saying some of his delusions seem sane by comparison.)

The Day The Students Flipped

, | KS, USA | Learning | March 17, 2017

My school has a cafeteria with high ceilings and windows with ledges about 30 feet up the wall. My classmates have been adamantly practicing the bottle flipping that has been going around the Internet, but as the class clown I know I can’t be outdone by some freshman with a sports drink bottle.

The cafeteria sells special juice bottles that I decide will he perfect for my stunt. I buy one, empty it to about right for bottle flipping, and stand near a wall. Keep in mind I haven’t told anyone what I’m going to do, but soon a couple people see me and the entire cafeteria quickly silences.

I can see the administrator giving me the stink eye, but I don’t let that stop me. I toss the bottle up and by some stroke of luck it lands perfectly on the ledge and the whole room fills with cheers.

I got detention for a lunchroom violation, but each day another food item appeared on the ledge. First there was applesauce, then a box of milk, another water bottle, and finally a sandwich, before the school finally posted an SRO near the ledge to watch for people like me.

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