Calorie Bombs Are Explosively Delicious

, , , , , , | Right | December 21, 2018

(I am a customer grabbing a quick lunch in a hospital cafeteria. I see that they have a self-serve salad bar, so I make myself a salad, but I realize they are out of croutons. I notice an employee filling up the empty bin of tomatoes, so I approach her.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss, when you get a chance, would you be able to refill the croutons? It seems you’re out, and I love those things.”

Employee: “Sure thing! I can do those right now; just give me a sec…”

(Another customer standing nearby interrupts her.)

Customer: *in a very angry tone* “Don’t you dare put any more croutons out; those are like little calorie bombs! They are so bad for me; they will kill me. My mom is already in the hospital and now you are trying to kill me.”

Employee: “Well, ma’am, you don’t have to put any on your salad if you think they will make you sick, but other people…”

Customer: *interrupting again* “WHO GIVES A FLYING F*** ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?! THEY ARE CALORIE BOMBS AND THEY WILL KILL ME!” *turns to me* “And they will kill you, too, if you’re not careful. CALORIE BOMBS!”

(She then literally ran out of the cafeteria while the employee and I just stared at each other. She refilled the croutons, and I put some on my salad, but I have to say I now think twice every time I use a salad bar when loading up with “calorie bombs.”)

Marketplace Disgrace

, , , , | Working | October 18, 2018

Me: “I’ll have the turkey, lettuce, and avocado sandwich, please.”

(The employee makes my sandwich and writes the cost for a turkey sandwich, extra for avocado, on the wrapper.)

Me: “This is a ‘Marketplace sandwich,’ without the Swiss cheese. Why are you charging more?”

Employee: “How did you order it? Did you order a Marketplace sandwich?”

Me: “No. I see what happened. I ordered the components… but it’s exactly the same, except the cheese.”

Employee: “You should have ordered a Marketplace sandwich.”

Me: “Okay, yes, I understand, but can’t you just rewrite the price?”

Employee: “I can’t charge you for a Marketplace sandwich if you didn’t order one.”

Me: “But it’s the same thing.”

(The employee then THREW AWAY THE SANDWICH and proceeded to make a Marketplace. I was speechless.)

The Director Is A Bad Apple

, , , , , | Working | May 11, 2018

(I am working as a prep cook in a cafeteria that serves over 1000 people daily. For some reason, I am occasionally asked to recycle old food from other stations through my station. For example, I was once asked to make breakfast yogurt parfaits using crushed stale cookies and fruit that was starting to turn. I refused. I am at my station when the director comes walking through the kitchen:)

Director: “Hey, [My Name], can you do something with this?”

(He sets a single apple — rotten on one end — down on my cutting board.)

Me: “Yes, sir, I can!”

(I wait until he has left the kitchen, and then I nudge the apple off my cutting board into the wastebasket.)

Me: “Done. Easy.”

(No one ever came back to check what salad I made for over 1000 people with a single half-rotten apple.)

Making A Veal Out Of It

, , , , , , , | Working | May 11, 2018

The manager of the cafeteria for the dorms I lived in was notorious for picking the cheapest food he could get, regardless of whether students wanted to eat it.

One such food was breaded veal cutlets, which few students wanted. His “solution” to this problem was to not allow students to take other foods unless they took the veal, as well. Of course, this meant most of it went straight to the trash. To add insult to injury, the cafeteria was full of posters with quotes about how students should not waste food and how people in other countries were starving.

One day, when veal was served for the fourth time in a month, I went around and asked everyone for their veal. I ended up with a tray with a two-foot high mountain of veal that must have weighed about 20 pounds. I then wrote, “No More Veal,” on a napkin, pinned it to the top of the pile of meat with a knife, and sent it through the dishwashing line.

Apparently, the message was received, as we did not have veal again for about three months.

Prison Break Your Tooth

, , , , , , | Learning | April 14, 2018

In 2001, I was a freshman attending college. The school had an excellent reputation for its technical and engineering programs, but a much less stellar one for its food. They managed to ruin every meal, including self-serve cereal — a fact that infuriated most students, as the same company would produce gourmet-level meals for parents’ weekend or other special events. However, as the school was located in the middle of a not-very-friendly city, and meal plans were a required part of tuition, most meals were taken at the school cafeteria.

One particular night, my friends and I went for dinner at the all-you-can-eat buffet, where one of my friends decided to have the manicotti. We were all talking, eating, and having a good time, when suddenly said friend got a very odd look on his face. He reached up and spit out a drywall screw! There was a drywall screw in his manicotti.

Naturally, we complained to the management. The manager in charge, of course, immediately declared it wasn’t their fault. It was, and I quote, “A manufacturing defect.”

What part of making manicotti involves drywall screws?

We continued to make our displeasure known, both to the management and to the school. Nothing was ever done about it. My friend was given a refund for the price of his meal, and was promptly ignored.

Of course, the story doesn’t end there. We later would discover that the same company that provided meals for our school also served the local prison, and that we were getting the same meals on the same days as them. We were literally eating prison food. It wasn’t until many years later that it occurred to us that that manicotti might just have been meant to go to the prison. We may have eaten someone’s prison escape attempt. There was probably some prisoner frantically searching through the manicotti, trying to find his smuggled screw.

To this day, I have never been able to eat manicotti.

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