Judged By The Beast

, , , , , | Friendly | June 3, 2014

(One of my closest friends is a youth pastor, and he has asked me to come to his church to judge a talent show. Before the talent show starts, my friend takes me and three other judges to another room to instruct us on what to do. He also gives us each a set of signs with large numbers printed on them, so that we can hold up our scores for each performance.)

Judge #1: “Hey, I just realized I don’t have a 6 in my set of signs.”

Judge #2: “It’s not just you; I’m missing a 6, too.”

([Judge #3] and I also check our signs. We’re also missing the number 6.)

Judge #3: “Oh, I know why! Maybe [Friend] didn’t give us any sixes so we don’t accidentally hold up a 666!”

(This kind of makes sense, considering where we are, and the judges seem content with that answer.)

Me: “Or you know, you could just hold the 9 upside-down, and [Friend] was trying to conserve paper and ink.”

Judge #3: “Err… yes, that is also a possibility.”


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Stupid Friends Are A Hobbitual Hazard

, | Friendly | April 11, 2014

(We’re having a movie night at the youth club, and a couple of counselors and I are discussing movies. I’m a 20-year-old female, Friend #1 is a 16-year-old female and Friend #2 is a 15-year-old male.)

Friend #1: *after Friend #2 and I discussed ‘127 Hours’* “No, I don’t want to see that! Why would you tell me how it ends?”

Me: “Really? It’s based on a 10-year-old real event; it’s not like it’s a spoiler.”

Friend #1: “It is when I haven’t heard the story!”

Me: “There was even a book about it. It’s like when people complain about The Hobbit spoilers when the book came out 70 years ago.”

Friend #1: “The book and the movie are two different things!”

Me: “No, not really.”

Friend #1: “Whatever. What’s this about?” *picks up movie*

Friend #2: “It’s your typical surfer movie. You know, all about catching that big wave.”

Friend #1: “Are there any cute guys in it?”

Friend #2: “Sure.”

Me: “Yeah, him!” *points to the male lead*

Friend #1: “Really? Who is he?”

Me: “You’re kidding, right? That’s Gerard Butler.”

Friend #1: “Don’t know him. Wait, his name is Butler? Isn’t that like a house-cleaner person?”

Me: “Do I even know you?”

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Florida, Key East

, , , , | Friendly | February 22, 2014

(My best friend and I are talking about a group holiday and where we could go.)

Me: “We’ll have to go somewhere that everybody agrees on. We can’t go to a place just one person wants to go to.”

Friend: “Yeah, it’ll have to be somewhere that caters for everyone. Some tourist attractions, a couple of clubs, and a beach.”

Me: “Precisely.”

Friend: “Ooh, what about that place in Spain. Oh, what’s it called? Sounds like ‘Florida’.”

Me: “I don’t know a place in Spain beginning with—”

Friend: “Tenerife!”


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Actually, There’s Probably An App For That

, , | Right | August 11, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I installed the purple bird!”

Me: “Purple bird… You mean Pidgin? Yeah, it’s pretty cool. How can I help you with that today?”

Caller: “My buddy list is empty.”

Me: “Maybe none of your friends are online right now?”

Caller: “It doesn’t COME with friends?!”

Me: “No, sir…”

Caller: *click*

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Dude, Where’s My Brain

, , | Right | July 23, 2009

(Two guys walk into our video rental store, find their video, and come up to pay.)

Coworker: “What’s your phone number?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s [phone number].”

Coworker: “Okay, so, [Customer]?”

Customer’s Friend: “Holy s***, man, he knows your name!” *turns to my coworker* “Dude, what’s my name?!”

Coworker: “…”

Customer: “Dude, I have an account here.”

Customer’s Friend: “Oh. I’m going to go wait in the car…”

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