(Christmas is coming, so we are shipping a lot of items. A customer has placed an order over the phone and I ship him his packages. Two days later, he calls asking where his order is. I check the tracking, which shows the package as delivered and says that it was left on his porch that morning. The customer says this is not the case, nor is this the first time his packages have gone missing with this shipping company. I file for a refund and insurance with the shipping company and send a replacement. The next day, I get an unexpected call.)

Cop: “Hi, this is [Officer]. I was hoping you could clear some things up. We have been finding a number of packages left at a vacant house located at [Address] Road. We are investigating this activity, but I found a package recently shipped by your company to a [Customer]. I was wondering if this was a legitimate purchase?”

Me: “Yes, I shipped a package to [Customer], but the address was [Address] Street, not Road.”

Cop: “Well, you have the address correct on the package. Can you contact the customer and verify the address is [Address] Street? I can take it around to him and see if he can clear some things up.”

(I do, and the customer later calls me to say the police officer brought his package to him and asked him to open it to verify the contents. He then left a statement about other packages that had gone missing recently. A day later I get another call.)

Cop: “Hi, this is [Officer] again. We found another box from your company sent to [Customer] but delivered to the abandoned house.”

Me: “That must be the replacement package I shipped to [Customer] before you called me.”

Cop: “Do you need this to get to [Customer] or does it need to be sent back to you?”

Me: “Well, it’s a low value order, it’s been taken out of inventory, and [Customer] already has his package, so it doesn’t matter too much.”

Cop: “Would you mind if we left it here? We want to see if someone comes to pick up the package.”

Me: “No problem.”

(The next day he calls back.)

Cop: “I’d like to thank you for your cooperation, and I was wondering if we could get a statement from you? The shipping company had a seasonal driver who was leaving packages at similarly named street addresses that were empty houses. His brother would go around and pick them up that night.”

Me: “Wow! No problem. What do you think the chances of the shipping company refunding me the $25 are?”

Cop: “Considering I talked to the driver’s boss, and he claimed he knew this was an issue for months, it was an honest mistake, and that the driver was just reading the labels incorrectly in the same manner?”

Me: “Not worth the red tape. Gotcha.”

(I sent copies of what the police sent me to corporate, who decided to start using a different shipping company.)

(I travel a lot and unfortunately have been getting sick a lot recently. I get a loud banging on my door, so I go check it and all I see is a pink slip from a delivery company that says, “vacant?” I go check my mail and there are three letters in there. A week later, I get the banging again and grab the door to see a postal worker standing there.)

Postal Worker: “You need to check your mail more! I thought you were vacant!”

Me: “I travel a lot, and I’ve recently been too sick to move. Usually I check it every other day.”

Postal Worker: “I don’t believe you! You have at least three weeks of mail piled up at the post office.”

Me: “Yeah, right. Also, you see that mezuzah on my door? Clear sign that it’s not vacant because Jews don’t leave a home without them. So, stop harassing me and give me the dumb slip so I can get my three weeks worth of junk mail!”

Postal Worker: “It’s in the mail box.” *he walks away*

Me: “No, it’s not! You were just writing it. I can see it in your hand!”

(No response.)

Me: “Fine! I’ll be there soon. I hope your coworkers got their flu shots!”

(I am a contract truck driver. I am moving a 3.5-tonne van from a repair yard to the store it does deliveries from, a short 50-mile trip. At 30 miles, the dashboard flashes with multiple faults, the major one being “Critical Gearbox Failure.” The van comes out of gear, due to its automatic gearbox, and I coast it to a safe place. I ring my company to get help, and after a while of conferring with the contract company, they tell me to turn the engine off, leave it a minute, and turn it back on. That gets me back on the road for a mile before the whole thing repeats. The second time, they get me to disconnect the battery because, “these vans can have a touchy computer system and a proper reboot fixes things.” Five miles later, there is a loud bang, and the back of the van vaults into the air before dropping hard and much lower. I work out that it is freely slewing at the back and correct for it while dragging to a halt across two lanes of the road. Once I get my breath back and stop shaking, I get out and take a look. The gearbox has pretty much fallen apart. The drive shaft has fallen off, and because this is a rear-wheel drive van it has hit the ground, dug in, and ripped the rear axle off. I ring the office.)

Me: “You know your reboot to disable the alarms?”

Office: “Yes.”

Me: “The alarms were for a d***ed good reason, and I’m lucky to have survived. We need a recovery truck to the middle of the A27 just outside Chichester.”

Office: “Can you get the van to—”

Me: “No, the back wheels need recovering from 100 metres back”.

Office: “Can you push it off—”

Me: “It was a 3.5 tonne truck before it lost big chunks of drive and some wheels; what do you think? I’m calling the police to report it.”

(Policy has now been rewritten so stupid reboots aren’t attempted on the road for some reason, and I’ve never spoken to that dispatcher again. The police had to close the road for two hours to clear debris.)

(I have ordered something online. After a week, I check the tracking information to see how much longer it will take, when I notice the delivery date has elapsed. I call up customer service and, after several attempts and the usual long hold times, I finally get an answer.)

Me: “My order hasn’t arrived yet, and the tracking system isn’t giving me a new date. Is it possible for you to provide me with one, please?”

(I give my details and she puts me on hold while checking what’s going on.)

Employee: “It looks like the order was taken by another driver by mistake.”

(There is an awkward silence while I wait for more information.)

Employee: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Me: “Umm, well, I did ask for a new delivery date.”

Employee: “And I said a different driver took the delivery.”

Me:“Yes, but what does that even mean? You can’t give me an expected delivery date?”

Employee: “No. We have no idea where the order is or when it will arrive.”

Me: “How can you not know that? Can’t you contact the driver and ask? I paid for it to be delivered this week.”

Employee: “We don’t know which driver took it. It’ll arrive when it arrives, maybe.”

Me: “Maybe?”

Employee: “There’s a chance it won’t arrive.”

Me: “This isn’t exactly filling me with confidence. I’d like a refund, please.”

Employee: “Sorry, refunds can only be made once the order has been delivered.”

Me: “That makes no sense, and I’ve got no idea if it will even arrive.”

Employee: “Yes! I’ve just told you that!”

Me: “And if it doesn’t, what happens then?”

Employee: “Nothing. You paid for an item that we shipped. If you don’t get it, it’s not our problem.”

Me: “No, I’m afraid it is. I’m—”

Employee: “If there’s nothing else I can help you with today… Thank you for calling.” *hangs up*

(I’m shocked by the employee’s attitude and decide to call back. I give my details again, and before I can say another word I’m put through to a supervisor. I explain the situation.)

Supervisor: “I see you have attempted to get a refund. However, you became hostile and the rep had to cut the call, citing expletives.”

Me: “That’s not what happened.”

Supervisor: *not convinced* “Of course, sir. What was the reason for the refund?”

Me: “Well… It hasn’t arrived? You have no idea where it is or if it will ever arrive?”

(There’s a long pause.)

Supervisor: *completely different tone* “I will just put you on hold for a moment, sir. I could be a while, but please be patient.”

(I’m on hold for about twenty minutes when a new person takes the call.)

Manager: “Hello, [My Name]? I’m [Customer Service Manager]. I have been made aware of your situation and would like to personally apologise for the difficulties you have faced with us. Your refund has been processed, and we have also submitted a replacement order, free of charge.”

Me: “Oh, umm, thank you?”

Manager: “You are welcome, sir. Is there anything else I can assist you with?”

Me: “Well, what’s happened?”

Manager: “Ah. The woman you spoke to earlier today has had several incidents with customers since starting this month. She has demonstrated a lack of support expected of our representatives. Yours is the first instance, however, of her actually ending the call and falsifying customer accounts; she added a note on your file that you were a nuisance customer. I listened to a recording of your conversation and deemed her to be in the wrong. You will not encounter her in your dealings with us in future.”

Me: “Oh, well, thank you. I’m sorry for the trouble I might have caused.”

Manager: “No, sir, the apology is mine to make. Thank you, and enjoy the rest of your day.”

(I drive a delivery truck. I hand over an international package to a residence, so it requires a signature. A lady comes to the door.)

Lady: *as she’s signing* “What exactly am I signing for?”

(I give a standard answer indicating I don’t know the contents of the package, but I verify that I am at the correct address, and that the person named on the package does indeed live there. She confirms that she is the person to whom it was addressed.)

Lady: “Who sent it to me?”

Me: *looking at the label* “Uh… Not sure, but it’s coming from China…” *spots a packing list and sees “contents: 1 dress”* “…and it seems to be a dress.”

Lady: “China? I ordered a dress from the Internet, not China!”