Customer: “How much is it to blow this picture up to 10×12?”

Me: “Well, it would have go to onto 11×17 paper, so there would be a $3 service charge, and then copies would be—”

Customer: “I didn’t pay $3 last time!”

Me: “Oh, so you left it with us for longer than an hour? Then it will be a $2 service charge—”

Customer: “No! I didn’t pay $3 or $2 last time! They blew it up for me and it was only $1!”

Me: “They did it for you for only $1? The only way you could have paid that price is if you did it in self-serve.”

Customer: “Yes! We did it in self-serve! There was no $3 fee!”

Me: “Right, self-serve doesn’t have a fee, because you are doing it yourself.”

Customer: “But I want YOU to do it for me.”

Me: “Well, if you want me to do it for you, then I would have to do it in full-serve and charge you the $3.”

Customer: “I didn’t pay no service charge last time!”

Me: “Because you did it in self-serve.”

Customer: “Ya! I want to do it there again!”

Me: “Okay, I’m sorry. I thought you said that you wanted me to do it for you?”

Customer: “Yes! Do it for me in self-serve!”

Me: “Well, I can’t do it for you in self-serve. I can certainly show you how it works, but I can’t go out and just do it for you.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because it’s self-serve. I can definitely help, or answer questions, but if you don’t want to do it at all, I have to do it in full-serve.”

Customer: “But I want you to do it in self-serve!”

(I am a waitress. One of my customers has just finished eating and is using a debit card to pay for his meal. The machine automatically includes a step giving the option to include a tip.)

Customer: “I don’t understand technology. This machine isn’t working. It won’t let me leave a tip!”

(The machine clearly gives three options: Leave a tip in a dollar amount, a percentage amount, or skip the tip.)

Me: “Well, sir, you have three choices: a dollar amount, a percentage amount, or no tip. To choose one, press the button directly underneath it on the screen, and the machine will take you to the next step.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(He proceeds to type in a dollar amount, but the machine does nothing since he has not chosen the dollar option.)

Customer: “It still doesn’t work! They made this machine far too difficult to use!”

Me: “Okay, well, I’ll just explain your options to you again…”

(This time, I physically point to each of the three buttons as I explain the difference between the three options.)

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(He again proceeds to type a dollar amount without choosing an option.)

Customer: “The machine doesn’t work!”

Me: “Okay, sir, if you want to add a tip as a dollar amount, press the first button there labelled ‘$’. The machine will take you to the next step, and then you can enter the amount you wish to leave.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(He still doesn’t get it. I end up explaining about seven more times until he finally pushes the button to proceed to the next step.)

Customer: “Oh… well, that was easy! I don’t know why it took so long for me to understand that. Thank you for being so patient. I’m going to leave you $1 for every time you had to explain it to me!”

(He ended up leaving me a $10 tip. His meal had only amounted to $25. Definitely one of the best customers I’ve had!)

(My province of Ontario has mandatory car emission testing prior to allowing license plate registration, so I bring down my vehicle to the mechanic.)

Me: “Hi, how are you? Just here to pick up the results of my emissions test.”

Employee: “How are you?! I’ll tell you how I am… f***ing s****y! Want to know why?”

Me: “Okay…”

Employee: “A wasp stung me in the eyeball at a backyard party this weekend. I’m not talking around the eye. I mean right in the f***ing eyeball… right in the corneus!”

Me: “The cornea?”

Employee: “Ya, whatever you call it… the f***ing eyeball! So, I was rolling around on the grass for like ten minutes, and my buddy Hank goes, ‘Wanna lie down inside?’ No f***ing way I was gonna lie down! I was gonna kill every last one of those bastards! Hank’s a welder, so I asked him to go get his acetylene torch so I could blast them to extinction, but he goes to me, ‘I’m all out of acetylene!’ What kind of welder is out of acetylene? Answer me that!”

Me: “I don’t know. Actually, I have an appointment soon, so if I could just—”

Employee: “So THEN, I call up Tim ’cause I know for a fact he’s got a f***load of blowtorches, but his old lady answers the phone and she goes, ‘Tim’s passed out drunk on the lawn!’ Then, I got like the best idea I’ve ever had, and ran into Hank’s garage. Wanna know how to burn-up a wasp nest?”

Me: “I don’t have a wasp problem, so—”

Employee: “What you do is get a can of WD-40 and a lighter! Spray a bit at the nest to soak it, and then once it’s spraying you take a lighter to the stream! It’s like napalm! One can gives you like twenty seconds of burning. Trust me, that’s more than you need. I made those wasps pay… ALL OF THEM!”

Me: “Thanks, but I really need to get my emissions test.”

Employee: “Oh yeah, I’ve got the results right here. Your car did really well. In fact, these are some of the lowest carbon monoxide readings I’ve ever seen. Guess you’ll have to run a different car in the garage if you want to kill yourself!” *laughs*

Me: “Okay, will do.”

Employee: “Times are tough, man. This car won’t do the job. You need some old clunker that belches out monoxide!”

Me: “I don’t want to kill myself. I like my life.”

Employee: “In case you change your mind, think late-model car!”

Me: “Thanks…”

(My ethnic heritage is a bit of a mish-mash. On one side, I am of recent European immigrants, while on the other I am native and English. This occurs on the first day of my first job as I am sitting with coworkers and my supervisor in the lunch room. My coworker is getting increasingly vocal about his disdain for native Americans due to recent news items including a blockade of key roads in the Montreal area. The conversation takes place in French.)

Coworker: “Natives are s***! They don’t pay taxes. They’re into smuggling and criminal gangs, and they all drink themselves into prison. I hate them!”

Me: “Um, I’m part Mohawk.”

Coworker: *embarrassed* “Uh, I have to go and compile that program…”

(My coworker leaves. My supervisor, who has overheard everything, approaches me.)

Supervisor: “Well, that ended wrong, didn’t it? I guess every generation has its problem with one group or another. In my day, it was the f***ing DPs. You know what a DP is? Displaced Person. God, they flooded the city after the war. Useless, and I bet most of them were Nazi sympathizers. They were filthy and they brought disease. They took jobs away from good Quebecers!”

Me: “Um, my mom was a DP. I’m part German.”

Supervisor: *laughs* “I put my foot in it that time didn’t I? Well, at least you’re not English.”

Me: “Um…”

(I quit very shortly thereafter.)

This story is part of our Native-American roundup.

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(At our copy shop, we have prepaid cards to use in the self-serve area. Sometimes, the cards don’t activate right after purchasing them. Any time this happens, simply inserting it into the receipt printer will activate it. We’re not sure why, but it works.)

Customer: “My card won’t work!”

Me: “Oh, is it saying there’s no money on it?”

Customer: “Ya! And I gave you $3! It ate my money!”

Me: “No, it didn’t. Sometimes, the cards take a while to activate. All you have to do is put it in the receipt printer, and then it will work. As soon as the card pops back out it’ll be good to go.”

(The customer storms off. I watch her insert her card into the printer and then stare at it for almost a minute after it pops back out. She then huffs and makes her way back over to me.)

Customer: “It’s still not working!”

Me: “Yep, it should be fixed now.”

Customer: “But it didn’t work!”

Me: “You haven’t tried to copy with it yet, though. Put it in the copier, and it will work for you.”

Customer: “Just put $3 on my card!”

Me: “I did already. It wasn’t working before, but I assure you, it will work now.”

Customer: “Look, I just want to make copies, and you’re making this difficult for me! I told you already the darn card isn’t working! I put it in the machine like you told me, and then it gave my card back!”

Me: “Yep, so it should work now.”

Customer: “But it didn’t print a receipt!”

Me: “Oh, that’s okay, it will still work. The only reason it didn’t print a receipt is because you haven’t made copies on it yet. But it will work now.”

Customer: “You’re not listening to me! It won’t work! I put it in that machine like you said and it’s still broken!”

Me: “Have you tried putting it into a copier yet?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “So, go try. It’ll work.”

Customer: *huffs and walks off to put it into a copier*

(It worked.)