Of Emissions, Digressions, And Bad Impressions

(My province of Ontario has mandatory car emission testing prior to allowing license plate registration, so I bring down my vehicle to the mechanic.)

Me: “Hi, how are you? Just here to pick up the results of my emissions test.”

Employee: “How are you?! I’ll tell you how I am… f***ing s****y! Want to know why?”

Me: “Okay…”

Employee: “A wasp stung me in the eyeball at a backyard party this weekend. I’m not talking around the eye. I mean right in the f***ing eyeball… right in the corneus!”

Me: “The cornea?”

Employee: “Ya, whatever you call it… the f***ing eyeball! So, I was rolling around on the grass for like ten minutes, and my buddy Hank goes, ‘Wanna lie down inside?’ No f***ing way I was gonna lie down! I was gonna kill every last one of those bastards! Hank’s a welder, so I asked him to go get his acetylene torch so I could blast them to extinction, but he goes to me, ‘I’m all out of acetylene!’ What kind of welder is out of acetylene? Answer me that!”

Me: “I don’t know. Actually, I have an appointment soon, so if I could just—”

Employee: “So THEN, I call up Tim ’cause I know for a fact he’s got a f***load of blowtorches, but his old lady answers the phone and she goes, ‘Tim’s passed out drunk on the lawn!’ Then, I got like the best idea I’ve ever had, and ran into Hank’s garage. Wanna know how to burn-up a wasp nest?”

Me: “I don’t have a wasp problem, so—”

Employee: “What you do is get a can of WD-40 and a lighter! Spray a bit at the nest to soak it, and then once it’s spraying you take a lighter to the stream! It’s like napalm! One can gives you like twenty seconds of burning. Trust me, that’s more than you need. I made those wasps pay… ALL OF THEM!”

Me: “Thanks, but I really need to get my emissions test.”

Employee: “Oh yeah, I’ve got the results right here. Your car did really well. In fact, these are some of the lowest carbon monoxide readings I’ve ever seen. Guess you’ll have to run a different car in the garage if you want to kill yourself!” *laughs*

Me: “Okay, will do.”

Employee: “Times are tough, man. This car won’t do the job. You need some old clunker that belches out monoxide!”

Me: “I don’t want to kill myself. I like my life.”

Employee: “In case you change your mind, think late-model car!”

Me: “Thanks…”