This conversation takes place when I’m at the age where jewellery starts becoming a part of my life. My mom promised me anything I wanted from her collection as a gift. She’s taken all her jewellery out and is showing me the pieces, one by one.

We’ve gone through a truly surprising number of pieces, including a ring engraved with my name that I am eyeing. But then she pulls out one last ring, and it stands out because of how old it looks.

Mom: “And this horridly outdated piece is our family engagement ring. It’s been passed down from mother to daughter since before World War Two. I got it off Grandma back when she thought she was going to die any day.”

Me: “Wait, what? But Grandma’s so healthy.”

Mom: “Turned out to be a false alarm, but she gave me all her jewels back then. She really regrets that now.”

Me: “Wait, it’s an engagement ring. How is it that mothers give it to daughters? I thought engagement rings were given by the guy?”

Mom: “Normally, it’s given from mother to daughter-in-law. Well, more accurately, the son will ask his mother’s permission to marry, and his mother will give him the ring to propose with. But as things happen, Grandma doesn’t actually like [Aunt #1], [Aunt #3], and [Aunt #4].”

Me: “What? But they’re all so nice.”

Mom: “Well, Grandma was supposed to give it to [Uncle #1], but she didn’t like [Aunt #1]. She thought she was a gold digger, so my older brother didn’t get the ring. Not that it stopped him.”

Me: “Ridiculous. [Aunt #1] is my nicest aunt.”

Mom: “My mom had this silly belief that brides shouldn’t be older than their groom, and [Aunt #1] is older than [Uncle #1].”

I shake my head in disbelief.

Me: “Then what happened with [Aunt #3]?”

Mom: “Back then, Grandma didn’t actually think architects were a real job. So she was really annoyed that [Uncle #2] became an architect. So when my younger brother married [Aunt #3], who was another architect… Well, there’s a reason they live in another country.”

Me: “I get the point.”

Mom: “And I trust we don’t have to discuss [Aunt #4]?”

Me: “Nope. I already know what Grandma thinks of [Aunt #2] marrying [Aunt #4].”

My mother’s older sister had to go overseas to do it, as Singaporean law forbade — and still forbids — same-sex marriage. Grandma still insists that the marriage is invalid.

Me: “So, because she never gave it away, you got it when she gave you all her jewels.”

Mom: “That, and I’m her only child that had a ‘respectable’ marriage.”

I snort.

Mom: “Anyway. That’s the last piece in my collection. Want the engagement ring?”

Me: “No, thanks. Maybe in the future. For now, the ring I want literally has my name on it.”

That conversation was nearly a decade ago. Now, I have that ancient engagement ring in hand and am about to go out for dinner with my girlfriend. Wish me luck.

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When my aunt and uncle get married, around 1970, my uncle makes the unfortunately typical male assumption that my aunt will be doing all the housework, even though both of them are working full-time jobs as nurses. My aunt is a modern woman and is not happy about this. She decides to address the issue in a way that is still legendary in our family to this day.

One morning, my uncle is getting ready for work and wants to put on a clean shirt… only to discover that there isn’t a single shirt in his wardrobe, and he is running low on other items of clothing, as well. He goes to ask my aunt about it.

Uncle: “[Aunt], where are my shirts?”

Aunt: “Well, [Uncle], are they your shirts or my shirts?”

Uncle: *Puzzled* “Mine.”

Aunt: “Then why, pray tell, do you assume I would know anything about them?”

Uncle: “Well, haven’t you done the laundry?”

Aunt: *Pointedly* “And why exactly should I be the one doing the laundry?”

Uncle: “Well… you… I mean…”

My aunt gave her husband a good talking-to about how it was unfair of him to expect her to do all the housework on top of her job, just because she was a woman. He agreed to share the chores from then on, and their marriage was a very happy one after that. But my aunt did let him deal with the enormous pile of accumulated laundry to drive home the message.

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I’ve been shopping with my husband. My seven-month-old is tired and fussy, so he drops us off at a coffee shop so I can breastfeed her whilst he finishes our shop. The only seat left is next to their loud vintage coffee machine and it keeps startling her from her feed.

As I sit, I watch a couple of older ladies point and snicker at a transgender woman who is minding her own business. They’re loudly commenting on her hair, dress, and stature, clearly unhappy with her even existing.

A table with an upholstered chair comes available and I get up, ready to move, as I’m struggling to carry my toddler — still feeding — and bags. The ladies loudly tut at me and sigh about “young mothers and unfortunate degenerates.”

All of a sudden, a chair is thrown back and the woman they were commenting on takes hold of my bags and coffee and makes a path for me to the table. She settles us down without saying anything, smiles at my copious thanks, and goes back to her table without any fuss.

Suddenly, a loud comment is directed at me.

Woman: “She could have asked if you needed help. How rude!”

Me: “At least she helped! You just bloody stay there, you miserable, small-minded cow! Enjoy your coffee and leave us ‘unfortunate degenerates’ alone.”

They silently finished their coffee and left. When my husband came back, I explained and he also thanked the kind woman. She refused all offers of thanks but reaffirmed my belief in humanity. Wherever you are, thank you!

This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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I’m at a chain bookstore, browsing a section near the door where an employee is arranging a display of the biography of a famous former football player and coach, which just came out. Said former football player recently thought it was funny to say, “Sieg Heil,” after an interview between a journalist and a German-speaking football trainer which was broadcast during a football-themed talk show where he was one of the guests.

What this has done for his popularity is evidenced by the following exchange between the bookstore employee and a man who notices the display upon entering the store.

Customer: “I really don’t think you should have those out, not after what that guy said on TV.”

Employee: “Corporate decides on our displays, sir. But to be honest, you’re not the first person to make a remark like that.”

I don’t think that biography is going to sell well anytime soon.

My girlfriend is visiting me in my apartment. She has an upcoming vacation planned to Panama with two friends. One of her friends speaks Spanish as her first language. During many of my conversations with her about this trip, she mentions the “Spanish friend” going with her on the trip and how helpful she has been in spearheading the arrangements since she speaks the national language of Panama.

Me: “You know, there are differences to how Spanish is spoken in Spain compared to how it is spoken in Latin America. Has she been experiencing any issues?”

Girlfriend: *Confused* “What do you mean?”

Me: “Your friend, the one from Spain going with you on your trip.”

She looks at me as if I’m wearing a block of cheese as a hat.

Girlfriend: “She’s not from Spain! She’s from Honduras!”

Me: *Confused pause* “Throughout the entirety of the weeks you’ve been talking about your trip, you’ve been saying, ‘My Spanish friend this,’ and, ‘My Spanish friend that.'”

Girlfriend: “Because she speaks Spanish!”

Me: “That doesn’t make her Spanish; she’s Honduran.”

Girlfriend: “It’s the same thing.”

Me: “No, it is not the same thing. You’re an American, but what if you were living in a foreign country and your local friend kept referring to you as their English friend? Wouldn’t that bother you?”

I can see the wheels turning in her head as she realizes I am right, but she’s trying to deflect.

Girlfriend: “Well… this isn’t like that.”

Me: “Yes, it is. It is exactly like that. You’re Asian. Do you speak Asian?”

Even after all that, every single time her friend comes up in conversation in the days or weeks that followed, she still refers to her as “my Spanish friend.”

Me: “You don’t have a Spanish friend; you have a Honduran friend.”

She would either reply with, “Whatever!” or she would repeat her statement with “my HONDURAN FRIEND!”

Related:
Totally Estúpido! Part 16
Totally Estúpido! Part 15
Totally Estúpido! Part 14
Totally Estupido, Part 13
Totally Estupido, Part 12