Multiple Signs That This Is About To Go Bad

, , , | Right | November 30, 2017

(Out of our four registers, the third one is always card-only. This is made clear every time it opens. Sadly, this is a situation that happens far too often.)

Me: “This register is card-only.”

Customer: “What?! That should be made clear! I only have cash.”

Me: “It’s indicated by a white-and-blue arrow just above the beginning of the register, there is a sticker at the end of the conveyor belt, every bar has that same message printed on it, it is written on my cigarette dispenser, and I repeat it every few minutes to remind you. Also, the conveyer belt has been painted bright blue, with the words ‘No Cash, Only Cards’ written on it every 30 centimeters, in words and pictograms. Can we make it any more obvious?”

Customer: “It should be better indicated!”

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Mass Extinction Can Wait For After Lunch

, , , , , , | Learning | November 27, 2017

(I volunteer as a tour guide for a group of six- and seven-year-olds in a natural history museum that has a famous dinosaur collection. Before lunch, the kids visit a temporary exhibition, and after lunch it’s time for the dinosaurs. During lunch, one of the kids is impatient and wolfs down his lunch so fast that his teacher needs to remind him several times to take smaller bites. At the same table, there’s a girl that’s eating very calmly, and she’s one of the last to finish. The boy insists that she eats faster.)

Teacher: “[Boy], give [Girl] the time to eat. There will be time enough to visit the dinosaurs.”

Me: *jokingly* “Yeah, don’t worry; the dinos won’t run away.”

Girl: *in an “I can’t believe I need to explain this” voice* “That’s because they’re dead.”

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Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 8

, , | Right | November 26, 2017

(One of our registers is a card-only register that we open only when the store is busy. Once the crowd lessens, we close it. I just opened the register a few minutes ago, but I am about to close it because there are no more people at the register. A customer walks up to the register.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, I’m about to close. You can go to one of the other two open registers.”

Customer: “But I heard you open.”

Me: “Yes, sir, five minutes ago. But now I’m closing because there are no more people. You can go to the other registers.”

Customer: “This is the card-only register.”

Me: “Yes, but you can pay with your card at the other registers, too.”

Customer: *seeing the three people per register before him* “Then I don’t want this anymore!”

(He drops his full shopping cart at the beginning of the conveyor belt and storms out.)

Me: *speechless*

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Getting Into Some Meaty Discussions

, , , , | Working | November 25, 2017

(I work at a butcher shop. The two main butchers, also the manager and assistant manager, are two men of about 50 years old. One is short and rotund, and is extremely tough looking, but his personality is exactly the opposite. The other guy is humongous, nearly seven feet tall and built like a brick house, mainly because he hauls huge slabs of meat all day. He is a bit simple minded, though, and not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He is also the sweetest person I know. The main form of communication they use, however, is shouting. They’re not angry or anything, they just don’t have inside voices. It’s always funny when we have new customers or new coworkers, because they always jump when they first hear the two shout.)

Customer: “And I’d like a couple of steaks as well—”

Butcher #1: *shouts loudly while chopping up meat* “I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE LIKE THAT!” *whacks cleaver loudly onto the block* “I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK! I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU LEFT!” *whacks again* “I TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES!” *vigorously whacks a final time* “DIDN’T I TELL YOU SO?”

(At this point he walks over to the other butcher, weaving his cleaver around. The regulars are used to this, but the new customers are easily spotted due to their white and shocked faces.)

Customer: “Uh…”

Butcher #2: *shouting even harder* “I KNOW YOU TOLD ME THAT, BUT I DIDN’T EXPECT IT TO BE SO BAD! IT WAS HORRIBLE!”

(He grabs a knife as well, and starts waving it around while he’s looking for his whetstone. The waving around is just his way of emphasizing his point. By now, some customers are genuinely scared.)

Customer: “Are… are they all right? What’s going on?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, it’s nothing; they’re always like that. It’s no big deal.”

Butcher #1: “I TOLD YOU THE BEACH WOULD BE BUSY! IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER!”

Me: “Apparently they’re discussing the beach today. Anything else, sir?”

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Sadly That’s A Real-World Foreign Policy

, , , , , | Learning | November 22, 2017

(I have a friend who does not have any talent for languages, but has a well-known love for those video games where you manage an empire and either plot world-domination or achieve victory by diplomacy or other means. We are in French class, and my friend has been asked to answer a question in French.)

Friend: *in plain Dutch* “I can’t; I don’t know how to.”

Teacher: “You need to learn languages. Do your best! Imagine you’re playing your empire control game. What if a region under your control only has French citizens? How would you rule them?”

Friend: “I don’t; I execute them all.”

Teacher: “Not the point I was making, but I suppose it would work.”

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