For Your Twinformation

, , , , | Working | April 12, 2018

(I work in a large, open-plan office space. I overhear this gem at the island next to mine:)

Coworker #1: “Hey, did you know our general manager had a twin sister? He told me they’re really close; they talk to each other almost every day.”

Coworker #2: *who is going to be a first-time dad in a few months* “Wait. How is that possible? Can a boy be twins with a girl?!”

All Of Us: “…”

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Driving Can Be A Real Headache

, , , | Right | March 23, 2018

(I’m working at a craft store when a customer comes up to me with a piece of fabric.)

Customer: “Can you help me find matching thread for this? I have a terrible migraine; I can barely see!”

Me: “Sure! Let’s have a look.”

(I find thread that matches perfectly and show it to her.)

Customer: “Oh, I’m just going to take your word on this. This migraine is so bad, I’m seeing double, and everything’s blurred!”

Me: “No problem, and I hope it gets better!”

Customer: “So do I! Driving here was so hard. I’m really not looking forward to driving home! I can barely see!”

(I was speechless.)

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And A Very Good Coffee To You, Too!

, , | Right | March 22, 2018

(It’s about seven am and I’m about to finish my night shift, when a guest walks out of the elevator and into the lobby.)

Me: “Good morning, sir!”

Guest: “Coffee.”

Me: “…”

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Time To Retire Her File

, , , | Healthy | February 6, 2018

(I am in the retirement home where my mother has spent her last years, doing some paperwork with the clerk. A nurse comes into the office, and the clerk introduces me:)

Clerk: “Meet Mrs. [My Name]’s daughter.”

Nurse: *very cheerily* “Oh, yes! Mrs. [My Name] is doing great; no problems!”

Me: “No doubt about it! She was cremated yesterday.”

(The nurse slunk away silently.)

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Love Is A Game

, , , , | Romantic | December 30, 2017

(I play a survival game online with a group of friends, among them a married couple.  We’re clearing a cave of giant insects. Our strategy revolves around having people grapple up to the ceiling and shooting from there while a ground team keeps the bugs busy. We are starting to run out of ammo, when…)

Tribe Leader: “Okay, I’m calling a retreat; back to base to restock.”

(We begin to run, with several bugs on our heels when we hear, through the voice chat:)

Wife: “Hey, [Husband]! You’re forgetting something.”

Husband: “What?”

Wife: “ME!”

(It turned out she hadn’t been able to grapple down to join us and had been cut off. [Husband] mounted a rescue as soon as we restocked on ammo.)

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