Minimally Criminal

, , | Legal | May 30, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, civil department.”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to know what happened in my son’s case today.”

Me: “I can’t tell you any details, but I can tell you if they have finished. Can you give me the case number?”

Caller: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Are you sure this is a civil case and not criminal?”

Caller: “Definitely civil. Not criminal! My son’s not a criminal!”

Me: “Okay, could I get a last name to see if I can find it that way?”

Caller: “The name is [Last Name].”

Me: “Okay, that name isn’t showing up at all. Are you sure it’s not a criminal case?”

Caller: “MY SON IS NOT A CRIMINAL! How dare you suggest it, you b****!”

Me: “Okay… can you tell me what the case was about?”

Caller: “Oh, kidnapping and assault.”

Me: *transfers the call to criminal*

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Like A Robber In A Donut Shop

, , , , | Right | May 20, 2009

(This is early December, when most of the companies have their big night out. A visibly drunk patron needs to be asked to leave due to inebriation.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I think you’ve had enough for tonight, and I think it’s best if you call it a night.”

Customer: “What? I’m not druuunk! You’re ouuut of yoooour mind!”

(I guide the drunk customer to the door, which he immediately grabs a hold of to resist being led out of the bar.)

Customer: “I’m not leaving! You’re going to have to call the cops to get me out of here!”

Me: “Well, sir, if you take a look over at the table with the people looking very intently at us… that’s the police department’s Christmas party.”

Customer: *leaves, rather expediently*

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Thanks For Shopping At Quadruped, Inc.

, , | Right | May 19, 2009

(I witnessed this interaction between a girl and her dad.)

Dad: “Are you as picky about your toilet paper as your ex-stepmom was?”

Girl: “No, not really.”

Dad: “Okay, grab one of those, then.”

(The girl reaches for a pack that’s on its side.)

Dad: “No, no, not that one. I want one that hasn’t been touched by human hands!”

Girl: “Are you saying the store employees aren’t human?”

Dad: “Well, you’ve seen them… You be the judge.”

(I had to walk off so they wouldn’t hear me laughing.)

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How About We Toilet Paper Your Lawn Instead

, , | Right | May 8, 2009

(Some landscapers are helping landscape our lawn. I’m also helping them move stuff when my neighbor comes over.)

Neighbor: “Hey, can you guys come over and help clean up some of our lawn?”

Landscaper: “No, we’re busy working over here.”

Neighbor: “It won’t take more than a couple of minutes. Just come in here, replace the grass with their sod, plant some extras; that’s all!”

Landscaper: “You mean redo your landscape?”

Neighbor: “Yeah, it won’t take too long. They’re not gonna notice!”

Landscaper: “I’m pretty sure he’ll notice since he actually lives here and is helping us.” *points at me*

Me: “Hi there!” *waves*

Neighbor: *retreats to her house*

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Hell Hath No Fury Like A Customer Scorned

, | Right | May 1, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Thanks for calling [Company] Networks, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I already called once today – I want you to stop sending me emails!”

Me: “You’re getting emails from us? What do they say?”

Caller: “It’s a bunch of delivery failure messages. I’ve gotten two thousand of them today, and I want you to fix it NOW!”

(I start explaining how spammers forge emails, causing these kinds of delivery failure messages, and I begin to offer a workaround.)

Caller: “NO! Stop bull-s****ing me, just fix it NOW!”

Me: “I’m trying to tell you that it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anyth–”

Caller: “HEY! Can I just say something? I know a lot of stuff, and I know you can fix this, so JUST DO IT!”

Me: “Well, it’s…”

Caller: “JUST FIX IT! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Caller: “Mr. Dumas! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?!”

Me: “Is that a pun?”

Caller: “Yes, and you’re a f***ing idiot! If you had half a brain, you’d be smart! So are you going to fix it or not?”

Me: “Sure.”

Caller: “Well, seeing as how you never asked for my name, I think you’re just trying to blow me off!”

Me: “As I said, it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anything…”

Caller: “Do you know who I am?!”

Me: “No, you never told me your name.”

Caller: “That’s right! And I’m not going to! I’m going to keep calling and wasting your time like you’ve wasted mine! I bet you could have handled five customers in the time we’ve been on the phone!”

Me: “Yes, you’re probably right.”

Caller: “Well, I’m just going to keep calling!”

Me: “Who will that benefit?”

Caller: “ME!”

Me: “How?”

Caller: “VENGEANCE!”

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