Have Customer, Will Poke

, | Right | July 13, 2009

(At the museum where I work, I see a patron knocking on one of our replicas with his knuckles.)

Patron: *to wife* “Hey, look, honey. This here is a replica!” *knocks again*

Me: “Sir, please don’t touch that.”

Patron: “But it’s a replica, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, it is, but we still ask that you don’t touch it.”

Patron: “Well, it’s not under a glass case, which means that it is not valuable. I have every right to touch it.”

Me: “No, actually–”

Patron: “Yes! If I see something that’s not cased, it means I can touch it, AND I WILL TOUCH IT!”

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Clandestine Calorie Cutters

, | Right | July 10, 2009

Customer #1: “Do you have any sugar-free ice cream?”

Customer #2: “Yeah, that a diabetic can eat?”

(The two spend the next five minutes sampling almost every frozen yogurt we have and inquiring into the sugar content of everything. I went along with it, not wanting to put someone in a diabetic coma or anything.)

Customer #2: “Okay, we’ll take two of the blueberry pomegranate yogurt on sugar cones.”

Me: “You’re aware that sugar cones contain sugar, right?”

Customer #2: “Oh, we’re not really diabetic; we just didn’t want you to sneak us something fattening.”


This story is part of our roundup about people lying about their health!

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One More Puke On The Path To Recovery

, , , | Right | July 8, 2009

(I’m a female working in a gas station and it’s close to midnight. The customer is obviously drunk, which means I can’t sell him alcohol.)

Customer: “You’re the kind of pretty thing I’m not allowed to touch.

(He proceeds to our beer cooler and takes one bottle out of a six-pack.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t sell you that for two reasons. One, you are obviously drunk and store policy says you can’t buy alcohol. Two, if you were sober it would have to be the whole six-pack or nothing.”

Customer: *stares at me for 30 seconds and then pukes on his coat*

Customer: “Am I sober enough now?”


This story is part of our Grossest Customers Ever roundup!

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Always Right, Even When Shooting Down A Helicopter

, , , , , | Right | July 2, 2009

(At the golf course where I work, it’s been a very hot day and an older man, unfortunately, has a stroke or heart attack in the middle of the range. The course is at a remote location, so a medical helicopter is called in and lands in the middle of the range. Another golfer comes over, obviously upset.)

Golfer: “It’s my tee! I want to take my shot but the helicopter is blocking it.”

Me: “Sir, there’s a medical emergency on the range so you’ll have to wait for a little while.”

Golfer: “But it’s my shot! I pay good money to play here and it’s my shot!”

Me: “Sir, someone may be dying over there. Please have some patience. It shouldn’t take long until they lift off.”

Golfer: “If they get hit, it’s their own fault.”

(The man then pulls a club out and before I can stop him, he swings and hits the helicopter.)

Me: “Sir! For God’s sake, stop!”

Golfer: “It’s my tee! They can just blame themselves for being in the way. I don’t have time for this!”

(I ended up reporting him to the caddie master and range supervisors. His license was revoked and was banned from playing there ever again. Thankfully, the helicopter was not damaged and the patient was saved.)


This story is part of our Golf roundup!

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Lacking The Most Important Sense Of All: Common

, , | Right | June 26, 2009

(At my store, we have several baggers that are deaf. On this day, one of them was bagging for me and I was running a register.)

Customer: *to bagger* “Excuse me, where is the men’s room?”

Bagger: *motions that he is deaf and cannot hear him*

Customer: “I SAID where is the men’s room?!”

Bagger: *points to the sign on his nametag stating he is deaf*

Customer: “Aren’t you going to tell me where the men’s room is?!”

Me: “Sir, he can’t hear you; he’s deaf.”

Customer: “Why is he so f***ing rude? I asked him a question; he could just TELL me he’s deaf.”

Me: “Sir, the men’s room is over there.” *points*

Customer: *to Bagger* “You should’ve told me you’re deaf. It’s rude to not answer people like that.”

Me: *signs to Bagger to tell him what the customer said*

Bagger: *signs back, “What an idiot!”*

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