Cocktail Fail

, , | Right | November 11, 2015

(I work at the bar of a venue that holds specific functions.)

Customer: “Hi. Do you do cocktails?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we’re not able to do cocktails tonight.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Can I just get an espresso martini then?”

Me: “…Um, no.”

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Won’t Get Her Pie In The Sky

, , , | Right | October 3, 2015

(I work in an Australian department store which has a food hall. An elderly customer approaches our bakery which sells fresh cakes and pies.)

Customer: “Hello, dearie, I’d like a steak and kidney pie.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t sell steak and kidney pies, but we do have a selection of others.”

(I proceed to read the selection to the customer.)

Customer: “I’ll have the beef and mushroom pie, then.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Customer: “Can you pack it well? I want to take it on the plane.”

Me: “The plane?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m flying back to London today.”

Me: “You want to take a fresh pie with meat products in it on an international flight back to England?”

Customer: “Yes, of course.”

Me: “You can’t take food that isn’t sealed out of the country and into another one.”

Customer: “Of course I can. Just sell me the pie”

(I sold the customer the pie and I still wonder how far she made it before customs stopped her.)

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A Toast To The Beat

| Learning | July 20, 2015

(In my elective music class, due to the usual teacher being absent, we have a substitute who is pretty lax so instead of teaching, he is playing on the drum kit. It is also a rather cold day so my friends and I are sitting around the wall-mounted gas heater.)

Friend #1: “Ugh I want some d*** toast.”

Friend #2: “So do I. Is there any way we can make some?”

Friend #3: “…I have an idea.”

(She then proceeds to open the front flap for the heater, exposing the pilot light.)

Friend #3: “We could totally use this!”

Me: “And I actually have some bread with me!”

(We then proceed to skewer pieces of bread onto xylophone sticks and spend the next twenty minutes toasting various bits of our lunches. All while this is happening, the sub teacher is still on the drum kit.)

Teacher: *stops for a moment* “Can you guys smell toast?”

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Don’t Query The Enquiry

, , , , | Working | March 11, 2015

(As he has gotten himself into financial trouble I am in charge of my partner’s finances. As such I have authority to talk to all the credit agencies and they usually just call me first. Note: My partner works night shift so we normally have a request not to be called before midday. One morning I get the following call…)

Agency: “Hi, is [Partner] available?”

Me: “May I ask who is speaking?”

Agency: “My name is [Name] from [Agency].”

Me: “[Partner] is asleep at the moment but you can talk to me… I have authority to speak on his behalf.”

Agency: “Ah… hang on I need to figure out how to do the authority.”

(We go through the authorization process confirming that I do have permission.)

Agency: “It appears payments are behind a week.”

Me: “No, we have paid every payment. I’m the one who pays them and I can tell you that last payment I paid MORE than normal by accident. But the payment before took a little longer to get through to you guys because of the public holidays.”

Agency: “Ah, yes, I can see you made your last payment on time and it was $360 but it hasn’t cleared the account here yet.”

Me: “Yes… I accidentally paid the rent into this account.”

Agency: “Well… can you make your normal payment of $225 next fortnight?”

Me: “Yes…”

Agency: “All right. Thank you for calling; have I dealt with all your enquiries today?”

Me: “Ah… yes?”

Agency: “Have a good day.” *hangs up*

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Don’t Care To Rub Elbows With This Teacher

, , , | Learning | March 6, 2015

(It is school sport on a Saturday morning. I injure my left elbow. I attempt to play through the pain, but at the end I’m relatively sure that something is very wrong. After a quick chat to the umpires, and to my best friend, who’s captaining the team, we grab a third teammate and walk off the field so that he can take over the keeping duties. However, as we reach the boundary, a teacher, notorious for being a stickler for the rules, walks over to us.)

Teacher: “What are you three doing? The game’s still going on.”

Captain: “[My Name]’s injured his elbow. We’re gonna get [Teammate] to keep instead.”

Teacher: “You can’t be serious. There’s only ten overs left in the game. Besides, you’re holding up play. Let me take a look at this.”

(She grabs my elbow, sending a sharp burst of pain up my arm.)

Me: “Ow! Don’t touch that!”

(By this point, the third teammate’s got the wicket-keeping gear on, and has also ran over to get the first aid officer in the pavilion.)

Teammate: “I’ve got the first aid guy. I’ll head back out. Hope you’re not hurt too bad, [My Name].”

(He walks back out to the middle of the oval.)

Teacher: “You should head back out too, [Captain]. We can’t afford to hold up the game.”

Captain: “Not yet. I need someone to fill in for [My Name] in the field. We’re down a player.”

Teacher: “Fine. Just hurry up, will you?”

(Having overheard the last few lines of conversation, the first aid officer cuts off the teacher.)

First Aid: “Wait, we’ve got what might very well be a broken arm here, and your major concern is the game finishing on time?” *to me* “Let me have a look at that arm…”

(It takes him a few minutes, but he figures out that yes, something is probably broken in my elbow. Meanwhile, the captain’s convinced his two-years-younger tomboy of a sister – our scorer – to fill in in the field for us, and has already cleared this with the teacher representing the other school, and the umpires.)

Teacher: “[Captain], you can’t let her field. It’s a boy’s game, and she’s not in whites!”

Captain: “We’ve cleared it with everyone else here. I thought you didn’t want to hold up the game?”

Teacher: “…fine.”

(The captain and his sister run out onto the field, and the game resumes. Meanwhile, the first aid officer recommends that I get an X-ray done on my arm ASAP. The first aid officer and my father help me pack up my cricket gear, then my father and I walk back to the car so that we can go to the hospital. At the entrance to the car park, however, we are stopped one last time by the teacher.)

Teacher: “You can’t leave. The game hasn’t finished yet.”

Me: “Didn’t you hear the first aid guy? I need to get this arm X-rayed really soon.”

Teacher: “But the game’s still in progress. You’re not supposed to leave the sports grounds until the game is over. If you leave now, you’ll have to explain yourself to the [Deputy Head] first thing Monday morning.”

Me: “I’ll take my chances with that. See you on Monday.”

Father: “You really are useless, aren’t you? The school is going to hear about this.”

(The X-ray showed that I had fractured my elbow. My father put in a complaint to the school. Still, I had to go in to school early on Monday morning, left arm in cast and sling, to explain my early departure from the game to the Deputy Head. Needless to say, the Deputy Head took one look at me, and at the teacher’s account of what happened, and just told me to get to class. I took over scoring duties temporarily from the captain’s sister while my arm healed. Two weeks after this happened, we had a new teacher coaching the school cricket team.)

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