Pies And Sisters And Soccer, Oh My

, , , , , | Related | March 4, 2015

(Usually, on Friday and Saturday nights, my parents fall asleep on the couch until I decide to go to bed and wake them up.)

Me: *shakes mum* “Goodnight. I’m going to bed now.”

Mum: “Do you… want… a pie?”

Me: “No, I’m going to bed.”

Mum: “But you put an order through.”

Me: “I’m going to bed.”

Mum: “Have a pie… Eat your order.”

Me: “I’m not hungry for orders.”

Mum: “What week is it? Have you eaten your order?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Mum: “Hurry up and eat the order… You’re going to be late for school!”

Me: “Mum, it’s almost midnight! School isn’t for two more days!”

Mum: “Midnight! Why d… didn’t you fall… wake?” *snores*

Me: “Mum, wake up. I’m going to bed now.”

Mum: “You have… soccer tomorrow… Go to break… fast.”

Me: “I don’t play soccer.”

Mum: “Wake your sister up!”

Me: “I don’t have a sister…”

Me: *turns TV on and turns up volume*

Mum: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Go to bed! What time is it? Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Me: “I’m not hungry for orders. And I don’t play soccer or have a sister. Mum? Are you leading a double life?”

Mum: “What?”

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Never Too Late (Or Early) To Apologize

, , , , | Right | January 22, 2015

(A young woman in her late teens approaches the counter — her face is beet red. I’m a new hire and don’t want to deal with her, as she’s clearly angry, but she catches my eye before I can hide in the back.)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am! What can I get for you today?”

(The woman glares at me, but takes a deep breath and rubs at her eyes– then holds up her hand as though she is physically restraining herself from doing anything stupid.)

Customer: “Look. My boyfriend just broke up with me and I’m really not in a good mood but I’m not angry with you and I’m really sorry you have to deal with me because I’m going to be rude and mean and you don’t deserve that. Okay? Sorry in advance.”

Me: *taken aback* “Er… all right?”

Customer: “Could I f****** get the unhealthiest f****** thing on your f****** menu, please? F***.”

(Here’s the kicker: she was much more polite than most people I dealt with that day!)

 

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Giving Dry Humor A Dry Run

, , , | Working | June 17, 2014

(I work in a remote roadhouse. After many years of the same questions I get a bit tired of them so I have a little fun.)

Customer: “Do you have a shower?”

Me: “Yeah, about once a day. Twice if it’s hot.”

Customer: “Where are your toilets?”

Me: “If you go out that door you can go anywhere in the courtyard. All of the plants need to be watered.”

(Everyone usually laughed. They hadn’t seen people on over 100 km so a sense of humor was appreciated, no matter how dry.)

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Counting And Discounting

, , , , , , , | Right | June 3, 2014

(I’m a cashier at a place that sells small items of furniture, storage containers, and so on. We are having a 10% off sale. My last customer caused a huge amount of trouble due to getting angry and shouting over not understanding the difference between 10% and $10, so I’m feeling frazzled. A mother and her child, probably seven or eight, come up to my register and start unloading their items while they talk.)

Mother: *to the kid* “Now, this container was $19.95, but we bought two, so how much is that?”

Kid: “$39.90!”

Mother: “Well done! But remember, there’s 10% off today. What’s 10% of $39.90?”

Kid: “$3.99, so the real price would be… umm, $35.91?”

Mother: “That’s right! Nicely done! But now here comes the hard one, so look out! I have my membership card!”

(The child’s eyes widen. Membership cards give a further 25% discount.)

Kid: “Okay, okay, umm…”

Mother: “You can do it!”

(By this time, I’ve scanned the items and bagged them. Just as I’m about to say the total, the child beats me to it.)

Kid: “$26.93!”

Mother: “Fantastic job! I think we get to stop at the playground on the way home!”

Kid: “Yes!” *jumps up and down gleefully*

(After my last customer, a fully grown man who couldn’t understand what a percentage was, I’m literally dumbfounded. In the end, I call my manager and we give the mother a further employee discount, which her child also worked out.)

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Customer Engagement At An All Time High

, , , , , , | Right | December 17, 2013

(A regular customer comes in every Thursday night without fail. She comes in to see what new jewellery we have in stock. On this day, her boyfriend has come into the store at about 1 pm. He specifically asks for me.)

Boyfriend: “Hi, [My Name]. As you know, [Regular Customer] will be coming in tonight. I need your help to find her the most perfect diamond engagement ring. I don’t want to ask her what she wants. I want her to choose. But… I don’t want her to know. Can you help me?”

Me: “Oh, absolutely! I’ve already got some ideas! Now, when you come in tonight, please just act normal. Then play along, okay?”

Boyfriend: “Okay! I knew you could help me with this!”

(I go speak with my manager and explain everything. She agrees that I can help. Approximately six hours pass. I see the regular customer walking into the store, with her boyfriend behind her. She does her normal look around the store. I’m standing behind the diamond ring section, pretending to clean some of the rings. She eventually makes her way to my section.)

Me: “Good evening, [Regular Customer]. Come to admire our jewels again?”

Regular Customer: “This is like Nirvana for me! I absolutely love this store. Always nice staff and nice jewels!”

Me: “And, as always, it’s lovely to see you again.”

(The boyfriend is looking a little green at this stage. I know the nerves are really starting to kick in.)

Me: “Here’s a new diamond ring that came in today.”

(I hand her the diamond ring, and she is admiring it.)

Regular Customer: “Nope. Doesn’t do anything for me.”

(I find a couple of other new rings and show them to her.)

Me: “What about these? Any of these catch your eye?”

Regular Customer: “Not really. I’m such a fusspot!”

Me: *taking a chance* “Would you like to see a ring on your finger?”

Regular Customer: “Oh… That’s pretty! I like that one!”

Me: “Good choice! It even has matching wedding bands, so you will be able to have the whole set.”

Regular Customer: “I like that. Less hassle before a wedding!”

(I take the ring from her and give it another polish. I stand back a little and watch what I know is about to happen.)

Boyfriend: “So, this one?”

(In a split moment, the boyfriend gets down on one knee. He holds the ring up to her and asks her to marry him, right in front of me.)

Regular Customer: “Oh, my god! YES!”

(I now have tears in my eyes. The manager rushes over and dumps a whole heap of confetti on them both. I reach underneath my counter and present a champagne bucket with champagne on ice and two glasses.)

Regular Customer: “Oh, [My Name]. You knew all along! You knew he would do this! Thank you so, so much for helping him!”

Boyfriend: “How can I ever thank you?”

Me: “Just come back and get your wedding rings from me!”

(After the shock and excitement died down a little, we cracked open the champagne. We toasted the happy couple (my champagne was in a coffee cup!). They left about half an hour later. The couple returned to the store about an hour after leaving, with a HUGE arrangement of flowers and my favourite bottle of perfume. It most definitely made my day!)

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