Puns With Friends  

, , , | Friendly | June 12, 2017

(Playing ‘Words with Friends’ online, my friend frequently places tiles until they make a word, with no idea what the word actually means.)

Friend: *plays ‘PARGE’* “No, I don’t know what it means.”

Me: “It’s the ridge in a pear tree.”

Friend: “Really? There ya go. I learn something everyday!”

Me: “The parge ridge in a pear tree is only visible on the first day of Christmas, though.”

Friend: “Why am I questioning your reasoning now?”

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Didn’t Have To Scream For That Ice-Cream

, , , , | Working | June 12, 2017

(I work at a small convenience store in my fairly rural town. It’s a really casual work environment, especially on this Sunday afternoon where we haven’t seen anyone for the last 20 minutes. I’m on shift with the owner and a new girl on her second shift.)

New Girl: “It’s so hot! I’d kill for an ice cream right now.”

Me: “Mmm, yeah. Great idea. What type? I’ll go grab some.”

Manager: “I’d love a Cornetto.”

New Girl: “Oh, no, it’s okay. I don’t have any cash with me, anyway.”

Manager: “Cash? Hun, you don’t have to pay.”

New Girl: “But—”

Manager: “None of my employees have paid for food since I opened this shop. You’re not going to start.”

New Girl: “But—”

Manager: “Help yourself. Just don’t steal smokes or anything, yeah?”

New Girl: “Are you sure?”

Manager: “Yes!”

New Girl: “Uh…”

Manager: “Oh, just eat the god-d*** ice-cream!”

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Cut From The Mouth Of Babes

, , , | Right | June 12, 2017

(I’m quite short and petite, so many customers mistake me for a teenager and patronise me even though I’m actually 20. This isn’t helped by the fact that it’s currently school holidays.)

Customer: “I need three metres of this fabric. But I need you to cut it straight.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. We make an effort to ensure that every cut has been measured currently and is straight.”

(I measure out the fabric and take normal precautions to ensure it is properly lined up with the ruler so the cut will be straight. The customer apparently doesn’t think I’ve done this correctly, and moves the fabric. I firmly move it back and begin to cut. She starts to move the fabric while I’m cutting.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s impossible for me to cut the fabric straight if you keep moving it.”

Customer: “But it’s not straight!”

(She keeps moving the fabric.)

Me: “I’d really appreciate it if you’d leave the measuring and cutting to me. I’ve been working here for over two years and I can assure you that you will receive three metres of correctly cut fabric. After I’ve finished cutting you’re welcome to measure the piece for yourself. If it’s incorrect I’ll happily cut you a new one.”

(She went red and kept quiet after that. To add icing to the cake, my colleague in her mid-40s approached me while I was processing the transaction and asked me how to place a complicated order. Never assume that someone who looks young is inexperienced.)

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Will Stick Those Solar Panels Where The Sun Don’t Shine

, , , , , | Working | June 9, 2017

(I’m a manager, and I’ve just transferred from a stand-alone store (with a drive-thru and a dining room) to one located within a shopping centre food court. It’s the middle of our busiest half hour of the day, as the local school kids come for lunch when the phone rings.)

Me: “[Location], [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hello there. How are you this afternoon?”

Me: “Well, thank you. How are you?”

Caller: “Thank you so much for asking. I’m well, too!”

Me: “I’m glad to hear…” *at this point wondering if this is a prank call*

Caller: “By the way, my name is [Caller] and I’m calling from [Solar Panel Company].”

(At this point I recognise the script, having taken these calls almost daily at my old location, On average it would take about five minutes to convince the caller that I can’t agree to install solar panels on our roof, and that anything like that is decided by our corporate offices.)

Me: “Listen, I’m going to stop you right there.”

Caller: *continues with script about government rebates*

Me: “Listen! You’ve called a store located within a food court. You need to do some research before calling random businesses. I do not own the roof or the building. Please do not call this number again.” *hangs up*

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They’re Their Own Smoking Gun

, , | Learning | June 8, 2017

(Teacher #1 caught a group of boys smoking out the back of her classroom a few days ago. As a result, those boys are on an in-school suspension and doing some work for Teacher #2. We are in Teacher #2’s class when the boys report in.)

Boy #1: “Sir, we’ve finished doing what you asked. What now?”

Teacher #2: “You can take a break for a bit. Come back in fifteen.”

Boy #2: “Yes!”

Boy #3: “Break time!”

Boy #1: “Yeah, let’s go have a smoke!”

(They all start laughing as they walk off when Teacher #2 sticks his head out of the room. We all think he is about to yell at them, but then he says this instead…)

Teacher #2: “Boys! Not near [Teacher #1]’s classroom!”

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