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Deadly Choices

, , , , , , | Related | November 29, 2019

(My aunt is preparing to make dinner while my brother, mother, and I are watching TV.)

Aunt: *calls from the kitchen* “Hey, [My Name], will you run downstairs and get some turkey burgers out of the deep freezer? Or [Brother], either one?”

Mother: *very promptly* “I don’t think [Brother] is in the freezer.”

Aunt: “Okay, good one. But will you go?”

Me: “Is it my choice which one I get out of the freezer?”

Aunt: “Yes. Your choice. Am I cooking burgers or your brother?”

Brother: “Don’t give them that choice.”

Don’t Drop The Call

, , , , , | Related | November 25, 2019

(My nana and I live in the same apartment complex. I get a frantic call from my aunt.)

Aunt: “I was one the phone with Nana when I heard a yell and the phone disconnected! Can you go down and make sure she’s okay?”

Me: “Of course.”

(I go down to Nana’s apartment.)

Me: “Where did you fall?”

Nana: “How’d you know?”

Me: “[Aunt] called me right after. She said she heard a yell, and then you hung up.”

Nana: “I didn’t hang up on purpose; the phone disconnected when I banged my head on the table.”

Me: *to my aunt on the phone* “She’s alive. She said she fell and hit her head, but there’s no blood or bruising.”

(My aunt comes over to Nana’s apartment.)

Aunt: “Don’t ever do that again!”

Nana: “Would you rather I wasn’t on the phone with you the next time I fall?”

Aunt: “Yes! Just don’t do it while I’m on the phone with you!”

One More Thing The Nazis Ruined

, , , , , | Related | November 21, 2019

(My parents are from India. My uncle is visiting and my mom is talking to him about a trip she took recently to the West Coast.)

Mom: “In the city, it was very segregated, you know! I stayed in the Chinese section, and everything was covered in Chinese lanterns and letters and all and the people were Chinese, and then I went to the Jewish section and everyone was wearing the black caps and the buildings all had Jewish symbols–”

Aunt: “Jewish symbols?”

Uncle: “Ah, like the blue star or the Swastika or something.”

Mom: “No! Not the Swastika! That is the symbol of the Nazis.”

Uncle: “Oh! See, I knew the westerners had corrupted that symbol and I knew that it was associated with the Jew.”

(To be fair, there are many Indians who wish the Allies should have lost the war because they know much more about the Bengal famine happening to Bengalis in India and other British atrocities in India than they know about the Holocaust happening to some faraway religion in some faraway place. However, my uncle represents the European and African foreign relations for his company that purchases and sells to people in Europe and Africa, making me wonder how many deals he’s lost in the past due to Nazis.)

Her Colon Still Has Eight Good Years

, , , , | Related | November 12, 2019

(I’m at the doctor’s office with my aunt for a physical examination. There’s a poster with a picture of platform heels on it that says, “If you remember wearing these, you probably need a colonoscopy.”)

Me: “Hey, [Aunt], do you remember wearing platform heels?”

Aunt: “Um, [My Name], those are for fifty-year-old people like your dad and [Other Aunt]. I have eight years to go.”

Me: “Are you sure you’ve never worn platform heels before?”

Aunt: “That’s irrelevant. It’s still for fifty-year-olds, and I have eight years to go.”

When Mixed Feelings End Up With A Mixer

, , , , , | Related | November 5, 2019

(My wife and I start dating in 2010. I am the first — and only — real boyfriend she has ever had. We date for two years, get engaged, and are together for another two years before we officially tie the knot. We deal with long distances, being in college, and holding off until we both graduate — I am a year ahead of her. On top of that, we go through premarital counseling with the pastor who marries us. The only thing we don’t do is actually live together, because of our shared religious beliefs. To say we have a solid relationship would be an understatement. My wife’s aunt is two-times divorced, going through marital problems with her eventual ex-husband, and has an all-around polar opposite personality and lifestyle of ours. This phone call happens about two months before our wedding, while my wife is in full-on planning mode with her mom.)

Wife: “Hello? Oh, hi, [Aunt]!”

Aunt: “Hi, [Wife], I’m just RSVPing for your wedding. We are not going to be there.”

Wife: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Aunt: “Yeah, we just don’t feel like we can support your marriage to [My Name]. You guys barely know each other, you’ve never dated anyone else, and you two haven’t even lived together! I just don’t think you guys are going to make it, and I don’t want to see you make the same mistake I did. You’re young; you should go out and date other people. Really make sure [My Name] is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.”

Wife: “I’m really sorry to hear that, [Aunt]. We were really looking forward to seeing all of you. If it makes you feel any better, [My Name] and I have a really solid foundation. We’ve been doing [everything I mentioned above], and we’ve dealt with the different bumps in our relationship so far with open and honest conversations. We don’t ‘fight’ but we make sure to talk things out and not bottle up our emotions. If you really can’t support us or come I understand, but we would still love to have you at the wedding, even if only so we can see [cousins 20+ years younger than her]. I’d really just love to have all the family there.”

Aunt: “Oh, well, I guess we could try to come. I’m sorry I didn’t trust your judgement about [My Name]. Now, I just don’t know what kind of gift to get you. Is there something not on your registry that you’d like?”

Wife: “Well, the only thing we didn’t put on the registry was a [Brand] stand mixer because we knew it was more than most people could afford and we had enough other expensive things on there that we thought were more important.”

Aunt: “Great! What color do you want?”

(And that’s how my wife caused her aunt to guilt trip herself into buying us a red [Brand] stand mixer for our wedding. We just passed our five-year anniversary and had our second kid. Our marriage is stronger than ever. I’m super glad my wife didn’t let her aunt or anyone else talk her out of marrying me!)