(I’m at my Grandma’s house for Christmas. I have my sketchpad to finish drawing my friend’s Christmas presents. My family is all “oohing” and “aahing” over my work.)

Uncle #1: “You’re pretty good.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Aunt: “Yeah, this is pretty impressive.”

Uncle #2: *whispering* “Notice how they keep saying it’s pretty good, but no one is saying you’re really good.”

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(I am looking up a book for a little girl.)

Me: “I’m sorry sweetie, my computer shows I’ve only got one copy of that book left. The display’s right over there. It’s empty, so that means someone else has it.”

(A helpful customer overhears our conversation and produces the book.)

Customer: “Actually, someone misplaced it. It was over there. Here you go!”

Little Girl: *to me* “You must be almost as old as my mommy if you didn’t think to go do that!”

Me: “Well, I could be. I don’t know. I don’t know how old your mommy is, sweetie.”

(The little girl opens her mouth to tell us how old her mother is, but I interrupt her.)

Me: “I don’t think she’d want you telling everyone how old she is, though.”

Little Girl: “Oh, no. That’s okay. She told my aunt on the phone this morning. After she sees the doctor next week, she won’t care if people know how old she is. They won’t believe it with her new boobies!”

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(A customer in his late 20s walks into the store looking confused.)

Me: “Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “My niece is asking for something. I don’t know if it exists or not, but she asked for a rainbow-colored bear that smells like fruit.”

Me: “Actually, sir, I know exactly what you are talking about.”

(I lead him to the girls’ section where there is a new toy bear in stock. It’s multicolored and is scented like bubble gum.)

Me: “Here you go, sir!”

Customer: “Oh, is this all you have?”

Me: “Well, there are other bears but this is the only scented one.”

Customer: “I’m just not sure this is it.”

Me: “I can assure you, sir, this is the only rainbow-colored and fruit-scented bear toy in the entire store.”

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