CONTENT WARNING: Child Abuse

Several years ago, I visited Germany with some friends to see a band on tour. I’m American, so that involved a lengthy transcontinental flight over the ocean. This happened on my flight home.

It was the dead of night, and we were somewhere over the middle of the ocean. We flew into some sort of weather or pressure pocket, and I could feel my ears go all funny for a couple of moments.

A little girl, maybe four or five, was half asleep a few rows up, but this apparently startled her awake, and she started crying. And you can’t really blame her. We’d been on that plane for quite some time, she had probably got a confused sleep schedule, it was an unfamiliar environment, and now something startling had happened.

Instead of comforting her, which would likely have solved the problem and left me with no story to tell, the mother took a different approach.

Mother: *Sharply* “Girl! Stop crying. You’re waking people up.”

The little girl continued crying. And again, can you really blame her? She was reasonably upset, and now it seemed as if her mother was yelling at her.

Mother: *Sharply. “If you can’t be quiet, I’m going to put you outside the plane until you can calm down.”

Me: *Mouthing to my best friend* “What the effing eff?”

Now, I’m pretty sure all of us, when we were the little girl’s age, had some understanding of the concept that planes fly very high up, and if you go outside the plane, you will fall. That, of course, terrified the little girl more.

Little Girl: *Sobbing* “Mommy, please don’t. Please don’t send me outside. Please don’t, Mommy, please, please, please.”

Mother: “Be quiet, or you’re going outside.”

At this point, a middle-aged woman two rows up had had enough — not with the child but with the mother.

Woman #1: “Mein Gott im Himmel. You’re frightening her! Stop screaming and comfort her.”

Mother: “Don’t tell me how to raise my child.”

Woman #1: “Raise? This is not how you raise a child. This is how you ruin a child.”

Another woman motioned to the mother. She spoke with a heavy German accent, but her English was good.

Woman #2: “Here, she can sit with me. I will calm her.”

Mother: “She wouldn’t be able to understand you. I am perfectly capable of raising my daughter.”

At that point, the flight attendant arrived. She had a look on her face that I’ve not seen since my days in Catholic school when one of the nuns was about to mete out serious punishment. The look alone could wither most problems, but the mother was of a special breed.

Flight Attendant: “Please attend to your child. Passengers are trying to sleep.”

Mother: “I told her to stop crying. I can’t do anything if she refuses to listen. You’re clearly not parents, or you would know that.”

Some cheeky young man piped up.

Young Man: “You’re clearly not, either, or you’d be parenting right now.”

The flight attendant shot him a look. Then, she returned her attention to the mother.

Flight Attendant: “Your daughter is clearly distressed. We cannot land should she require medical attention. You need to attend to her.”

Mother: “She will stop crying when she stops crying.”

The flight attendant began to head to the front of the plane — maybe to speak to the pilot or something? I don’t know, honestly.

The mother, dozens of sets of eyes glaring at her, turned to the little girl and hissed.

Mother: “Shut up, girl! You’re going to get in trouble. The pilot is going to kick you off the plane, and then you’ll never get home!”

Brilliant thing to say to a frightened child. A man behind me snapped.

Man: “Shut your mouth, lady. The kid’s only crying because you’re a psycho. If you’d sit down and shut up, the kid would probably calm down in no time.”

Mother: “Don’t you take that tone with me!”

Man: “I’ll take any tone I like — especially with a psycho, child-abusing b****.”

The mother got up out of her seat and got in the man’s face. She was standing right beside me, screaming at him. It was terrifying, and I don’t know how he kept calm.

Then, she slapped him. Big mistake. BIG MISTAKE.

The flight attendant, returning from the front, saw this.

Flight Attendant: “I recommend you sit down and remain seated and quiet for the rest of the flight. Authorities will escort you off the plane when we land.”

The mother sputtered and attempted to protest. The flight attendant would have none of it.

Flight Attendant: “You committed an assault, and things are now out of my hands. Any further issues will likely compound your charges.”

The mother got up, stomped down the aisle to the bathroom, and shut herself in.

Immediately, the German-speaking woman sat in her seat and started comforting the little girl. She soon calmed and ceased crying.

The mother stayed in the bathroom for the rest of the flight, until it was time to land and she was ordered out. True to the attendant’s words, we were told to remain seated while she was escorted off the plane. The man who she’d slapped followed shortly after.

I have no idea what transpired after that, as I had to catch a connecting flight to my hometown airport. But hopefully, she faced some serious charges and that poor kid got someone better to care for her.

I’m planning on going back to Germany for the band’s next tour. Hopefully, this flight will be a lot more peaceful.

Many years ago, I used to travel frequently for business. This was back in the days when women in business wore suits. I had a blue suit with a white blouse and a red bow tie that apparently looked a bit too much like a major airline’s flight attendant uniform.

One evening, when I was flying home after a long day at a client’s, I didn’t have time to change before I boarded the flight. I’d had a lot of coffee that day and had to keep getting up to pee. Every time I did, someone would stop me and ask for a drink, a pillow, or a blanket. I had to keep telling them I wasn’t a flight attendant. This one guy stopped me for a drink more than once, and I finally got so annoyed that I said, “Get it yourself!” and continued into the bathroom.

While in the bathroom, I figured I would stop the madness by undoing my bowtie, untucking my blouse, and unbuttoning the blouse down to where you could practically see my bra. I figured nobody would mistake me for a flight attendant in such an unkempt state.

When I emerged, a man wearing a suit — whom I noticed had been sitting behind the drinks guy — rushed up to me. He shoved a business card in my hand which said something about being an executive for that airline.

Man: “Button your blouse right now and bring that man a drink!”

I paused, reared back, looked him right in the eye, and said:

Me: “F*** OFF!” 

It was, by far, the best “f***off” I have ever delivered. Man, I said it with FEELING! He sputtered in apoplexy, but I just pushed past him and continued down the aisle.

I saw him angrily stalk up to the flight attendants, who apparently informed him that I was not, in fact, a flight attendant but a passenger. He looked sheepish and returned to his own seat without even glancing at me.

A little while later, one of the flight attendants came over and apologized.

Attendant: *Whispering* “We’ve been wanting to say that to him for years. You’re our hero!”

And she gave me free drinks for the rest of the flight.

I boarded a full flight, took my seat, and waited for takeoff. A woman was standing in the aisle holding her child — maybe five years old — in her arms, looking distressed.

Woman: “How can we not be seated together? I have to be with my baby!”

Attendant: “Okay, where are your seats?”

Woman: *Pointing* “Mine is this window and hers is the middle behind me.”

Attendant: “Okay.”

She addresses the older woman sitting in the middle seat in the same row as the distressed mother.

Attendant: “Miss, would you be willing to switch seats with the child behind you so she can sit with her mother?”

Woman: “No, that’s my mother. She’s elderly; she can’t be moved.”

Attendant: “Okay.”

Now she addresses the woman sitting in the window seat beside the child.

Attendant: “Miss, would you be willing to switch seats with the child behind you so she can sit with her mother?”

Woman: “That’s my sister! What is wrong with you?”

She points to the six seats taking up two rows.

Woman: “This is my family.”

Attendant: “So… you’re all together.”

Woman: “Yes! But I’m supposed to be sitting with my daughter.”

Attendant: “Well, if they’re all your family, perhaps one of them can switch with one of you so—”

Woman: “No! I will not make my family move!”

Attendant: *Throwing her hands in the air* “Well, I don’t know what to tell you, ma’am. You can sit with your family, and your daughter can be with her aunt, or—”

Woman: “You are useless!“

Attendant: “I am about to have you removed from this flight.”

Woman: *Quietly* “Please don’t.”

Attendant: “Your daughter is sitting with family. If you don’t want to trade or have someone trade with you, there is nothing I can do.” 

The woman scooted into her window seat, her daughter sitting in the middle behind her. I’ve thought about this moment off and on for years and still cannot determine what she wanted the attendant to do.

I’m an air steward, and the captain has just made an announcement to the plane.

Captain: “To those passengers who are sitting on the left side of the plane, even at cruising altitude, you can make out the Hoover Dam below us. Enjoy the view!”

A minute later, I get a call from a passenger sitting on the right side of the plane.

Passenger: “That’s not fair!”

Me: “Pardon me, sir?”

Passenger: “The passengers on that side of the plane got to see the Hoover Dam! How come we don’t get to see it?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the route we’re taking happens to have the dam on the left of the plane. The captain was just making sure those passengers who could take advantage of the view had an opportunity to see it.”

Passenger: “Well… turn the plane around!”

Me: “Sir?”

Passenger: “If the passengers on that side of the plane get to see it, then we should get to see it, too!”

Me: “Sir, this is not a sightseeing flight. Our obligation is to get you to your destination on time, not to make sure you spot landmarks on the way.”

Passenger: “But it’s not fair!”

Me: “Sir, you’re not even sitting at a window seat. The two passengers next to you would need to move if you wanted to get a view. Also, at this section of the plane, all you’d be seeing is the wing.”

Passenger: “Then this is a badly designed plane!”

Me: “Sir, you’re safely being shuttled halfway across the planet in less than half a day, and you’ve been able to enjoy eating a hot risotto and three cans of beer while doing so. The plane is fine.” 

He sat there and stewed for the rest of the flight.

I am on a packed flight. The plane is quite small, with two rows of three seats and a single aisle in the middle.

Shortly after takeoff, a mother releases her toddler (a boy no older than three) into the aisle, and he proceeds to zoom up and down it as fast as his little legs can carry him. Once would be fine, as the little guy probably needs to stretch his legs, but he carries on zooming up and down the plane.

Over, and over, and over again. He starts screaming and squealing as he does.

It comes to a head when he runs straight into the food and beverage cart that the air stewards have started to use.

Air Steward: “Hey there, little guy. Maybe go and sit down with Mommy now?”

The boy, having the time of his life, obviously completely ignores the air steward and turns around to start another sprint to the front of the plane. He charges back toward the back and this time slams himself into the air steward.

Air Steward: “Okay, that’s enough, little guy. Let me take you to your seat now.”

The little boy doesn’t know where he’s seated, so the steward takes his hand and asks aloud:

Air Steward: “Can a parent of this young passenger please make themselves known?”

Nothing.

The steward checks with the head steward, and they identify a woman reading a magazine as the mother.

Head Steward: “Ma’am, your son is running up and down the aisle and disrupting our operations, as well as causing a disturbance to other passengers. Please keep him occupied in his seat for as much of the flight as possible.”

Mother: *Not even looking up from her magazine* “He’s fine. He’s just burning off some energy.”

Head Steward: “Ma’am, with all respect, it is not fine. I need you to keep him occupied in his seat for the rest of the flight.”

Mother: “He’s just running up and down the runway! I don’t see what the big deal is!”

Head Steward: “Because, ma’am, the runway is what the plane uses to land and take off. It is not the strip in the middle of the plane that your son can use as his own private racetrack.”

The mother actually looks up for once to see two stewards glaring at her, one of them holding the hand of her son, who is getting ever more fussy.

Mother: “Why do you have my son? Let him go! What do you think you’re doing?! You’re hurting him!”

Head Steward: “Actually, ensuring that he stays in his seat with his seatbelt fastened is doing the opposite of hurting him.”

The mother tuts loudly but manages to bribe her son to his seat with some chocolate.

The chocolate bar is scarfed up in roughly half a second (maybe an exaggeration, but it was quick!) and he’s back to his “zoomies” in no time. The mother seems to be so engrossed in her horoscope that she’s ignoring her son’s antics again.

The head steward heads toward the front of the plane, and a few minutes later she’s escorting the little guy back to his seat… again.

Head Steward: “Ma’am. Ma’am! Please pay attention. Your son is to remain in his seat with his seat belt fastened for the rest of the flight.”

Mother: “The seat belt light isn’t on!”

As if on cue, the seat belt lights for the entire plane all activate, and there’s a “ping” on the speakers before we all hear the captain’s voice.

Captain: “I’m keeping the seatbelt sign on for the remainder of the flight. Passengers are only allowed out of their seats to use the restrooms. For those who wish to complain about my actions, please mention in said complaints that some customers were unwilling to control their children until it became technically illegal not to do so. I wish most of you a pleasant remainder of the flight.”

That little boy was forced to sit in his seat and gave his mother nothing but tantrums for the next three hours. The rest of the plane endured it, but it was nice to see the mother forced to parent for a little while!