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Preparing Is Breath Practice

, , , | Right | January 14, 2021

On a plane, the old lady next to me calls the flight attendant.

Old Lady: “Where are the oxygen masks?”

Flight Attendant: “They come down automatically when they are necessary.”

A few moments after the flight attendant leaves, the old lady pulls out a package from under the seat, opens it, and pulls out a life jacket. The flight attendant freaks out.

Flight Attendant: “Ma’am, what are you doing with the life jacket?”

Old Lady: “I wanted to practice using it.”

I Left My Brain In… Some Other Place

, , , , , | Related | December 28, 2020

Two young boys are sitting behind me on a flight to San Francisco. As we land, [Boy #1] says: 

Boy #1: “Hey, I recognize this place!”

Boy #2: “[Boy #1], you live here.”

Is Throwing Her Out The Window An Option?

, , , , | Friendly | CREDIT: sassy-cheese-cube | November 25, 2020

When I am fourteen, I have to go to Australia with my parents for my uncle’s wedding. To a fourteen-year-old me, that sounds pretty good. Little do I know that I will be encountering an entitled jerk on the plane.

Our seats are a bit far from each other, but I am okay with it. I sit next to a woman and her toddler, who is asleep. I offer one of those fake salutation smiles, but she just stares blankly at me. I think nothing of it. I just sit down and open my laptop and play some games. After a while of playing, I decide to do my summer homework, basically translating some English paragraphs into Hindi — I’m Indian.

I have not been thinking about the woman next to me, but suddenly:

Woman: “What do you think you are doing?!”

Me: “My assignment? I am a student.”

Woman: “Uh, no! You are a terrorist! That’s what you are!”

I just give her a confused look.

Woman: *To the air hostess* “Excuse me, miss! This is a very dangerous man; he is writing something in Afghanistan!”

Hostess: *Visibly sorry for me* “Ma’am, he is a child.”

Woman: “But he’s Pakistani!”

Me: “I’m Indian, and I’m just doing my homework—”

Woman: “SHUT UP, YOU TERRORIST”

At this point, a gentleman stepped in and started full-on verbally attacking the woman. He called her out on her racism and called her a stupid b**** and an Islamophobe.

My angry parents came up, wanting to kill the woman.

The sleeping toddler woke up crying.

IT WAS TOTAL CHAOS.

The airhostess reprimanded the woman, and most people of colour on the plane were trying to strangle her with their eyes. To my shock, the woman decided to shut up. She did not, however, apologise to me.

The air staff apologised profusely for the woman’s behaviour, and ultimately, they decided to give me an upgrade so that I didn’t have to sit with her. I was not scared, but I was really disappointed in the woman.

My family and I thanked the gentleman who interceded, and the rest of the trip went well.

People, be like that gentleman. Sir, if you’re reading this, thank you again!

Totally Estúpido! Part 14

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 10, 2020

I just boarded the airplane with my significant other traveling on vacation. The flight attendant is attempting to explain to an Asian couple that doesn’t speak English that they can’t sit in the exit row.

Attendant: “You can’t sit here if you don’t understand English. I have to move you to another row.”

There is no response from the couple.

Attendant: *Louder* “You can’t sit here. I need to move you.”

There’s still no response.

Attendant: *Louder and slower* “I need to move you.”

Significant Other: *To me* “You speak Spanish. Maybe you can help.”

Me: “They’re… Chinese…”

Related:
Totally Estúpido! Part 13
Totally Estupido, Part 12
Totally Estupido, Part 11
Totally Estupido, Part 10
Totally Estupido, Part 9

Sandwiched Between A Bickering Couple

, , | Right | November 2, 2020

I am a flight attendant. I am serving passengers during our meal service, which is an additional fee. An old couple is sitting on each side of the aisle; the lady asks me for a coffee.

Wife: “Ask my husband what sandwich he wants.”

I turn to the husband.

Me: “Sir, your wife wants to know which sandwich you would like?”

The husband looks at me and doesn’t react, so I raise my voice and ask the question again.

Husband: “No, no, not hungry.”

I turn back to the wife.

Me: “He doesn’t want anything, madam.”

Wife: “He is diabetic; he needs to eat something!”

I turn again to the husband and show him the menu.

Me: “Sir, your wife insists you should eat something. Here is the list of sandwiches we have available today.”

Once again, the husband refuses. I tell the lady, who asks me to insist. This goes on for five more minutes, where I go back and forth between the two of them with the husband becoming more and more annoyed at his wife, refusing any option I offer.

I finally give up.

Me: “Madam, I cannot force him to eat, but I can sell you a sandwich, and once he gets hungry you can give it to him.”

Wife: “No, thank you, because if he doesn’t eat it, it’ll go to waste.”

As I’m not the type to force a sale just for the sake of it, I give her the coffee and continue my service. Not five minutes later, as I am back in the galley, my cabin manager runs to me.

Cabin Manager: “[My Name], this old gentleman is feeling unwell! His wife told me he is diabetic and hasn’t eaten anything all day! Give me something for him to eat right now!”

I grab a sandwich.

Me: “Is it by any chance the gentleman in question in row twelve?”

Cabin Manager: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Don’t worry about it… Here’s a sandwich for him.”

Listen to your spouse! They’ve been dealing with you for half their life; they know your needs!