Just Plane Crazy

| SK, Canada | Related | March 27, 2014

(Two men and I are all sitting in one row of an airplane. I’m tall and willowy, and my hair is dark red. The first man is also tall, but he’s heavy and broad-shouldered and his black hair is cut very short. The second man is a small, slight man with very thin grey hair and a mustache. The flight attendant comes by to offer us drinks.)

Me: “I’ll have a Coke.”

Man #2: “I’ll have a tonic water, but could I have the full can, please?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I’d like the full can, too.”

Man #1: “I’ll have a cranberry juice, and I’ll take the can as well.”

Attendant: *jokingly* “Now see what you’ve done. You’ve got everyone started!”

Man #2: “It’s a nice change. They listen to me so rarely.”

(The attendant looks completely blank until I speak up.)

Me: “This is my dad and that’s my brother. Our mom comes from a tall family, and I dye my hair.”

Taking The Red Eye

| Orlando, FL, USA | Related | January 28, 2014

(I am 12 years old. My family is flying home after a vacation. Our hotel has an arcade in it, with tickets to exchange for prizes. I get just enough to get a toy eye that rolls around and will always look up. My mom tells me to not take it out on the plane, but I figure they’ll never know since our seats aren’t next each other. Unfortunately, it slips out of my hands and rolls off somewhere. My mom notices me fidgeting a little seeing if I can find it.)

Mom: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “I dropped my eye!”

Mom: “I told you not to take it out!”

(The passengers next to me start to look sick. I haven’t looked at them yet, so they seem to think it’s like a glass eye. You could also hear murmurs from the front of the plane of people discussing how someone can lose their eye. The flight attendant comes over.)

Flight Attendant: “Is there something wrong?”

Me: “I lost my eye!”

Can’t Make The Connection

| Chicago, IL, USA | Working | October 6, 2013

(I am flying to Tucson, AZ for college. After a layover at Chicago, we are taxiing to the runway.)

Flight Attendant: “Hey, turn your cell phone off! They all need to be off RIGHT NOW!”

Passenger: “My cell phone is off!”

Flight Attendant: “No, it needs to be all the way off. Hit the power button!”

Passenger: “But if I hit the power button, it’ll turn back on. It’s already off!”

Flight Attendant: “I’m not joking. Turn it off. All the way off. Hit that power button!”

Passenger: “What is wrong with you? I’m telling you it’s all the way off. OFF! The power button will turn it ON!”

Flight Attendant: “Look, I’m not playing games with you. If you don’t turn it off, we’re going back to the gate and throwing you off the aircraft. Your phone could interfere with aircraft systems, and we can’t have that. So hit the power button and turn it off. I’m not telling you again.”

Passenger: “But if I hit the power button, it’ll turn ON! If it’s on, it can interfere with the aircraft systems. Lady, it’s off, I promise you. You want to check it? Go ahead, check it.”

Flight Attendant: *to the senior flight attendant* “Tell the captain to take us back to the gate. I have an uncooperative passenger who won’t turn off her phone.”

Other Passengers: “We saw her turn it off! This is delaying us! Can we just go?”

Flight Attendant: “No, we’re going back to the gate! We can’t leave because your fellow passenger here won’t turn off her phone.”

Senior Flight Attendant: “Have you actually checked the phone yet?”

Flight Attendant: “Well, no. But I don’t need to. I know it’s on.”

Senior Flight Attendant: *to passenger* “May I see your phone, ma’am?” *checks the phone* “She’s right. The phone is powered off. Now, if you don’t mind, [Flight Attendant], I’m going to tell the captain to take us back. You need to be more careful about things like this.”

(We did end up departing only five minutes late, thankfully. And the passenger got an apology. Luckily, she was a better sport about it than the rest of us.)

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Breaking The Bathroom Breaking

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Right | September 18, 2013

(I am taking a four-plus hour flight. It’s a full flight, so our row is full. I’m in the middle seat. The passenger in the window seat is ordering carbonated water and alcohol every time the flight attendant comes by. She has been doing this for hours and is getting up to pee every few minutes; aggravating the rest of us.)

Window Passenger: *to the aisle passenger in the seat next to her* “Can you move? I need to use the bathroom.”

Aisle Passenger: *in aisle seat* “You’ve been doing this every few minutes! Could we switch seats? It’ll be easier if you have the aisle seat.”

Window Passenger: “No! I want this window seat. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go.”

(She goes, comes back, sits down, and orders another water, which she gulps down. Eight minutes pass.)

Window Passenger: “Excuse me, move! I need to get to the bathroom!”

(She goes. The aisle passenger and I are both tired, because we’re trying to sleep and she keeps waking us, and we’re angry because her shoes are getting dirt on us.)

Me: “Look, man, move into the window seat. I’ll deal with her.”

(He moves into the window seat just as she comes back. The window passenger instantly yells at him.)

Window Passenger: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SEAT?!”

Me: “I told him to move there.”

Window Passenger: “YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!”

Me: “YOU have no right! You’ve made 24 bathroom trips in three hours. We’re trying to sleep, and you’re climbing over us every few minutes and getting dirt from your shoes on our clothes! You left bruises on my leg where you climbed on it! This guy offered to let you sit in the aisle seat, and you said no!”

Window Passenger: “B****! I’LL TELL THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT!”

(The flight attendant is called, and I tell him the story.)

Flight Attendant: *to the window passenger* “Normally, ma’am, I’d side with you, but in this case, I think the young lady is right. It’s very disruptive to our other passengers for you to be climbing over them every few minutes. The gentleman vacated a perfectly good aisle seat, which you will have to use as the flight is full.”

Window Passenger: “F*** ALL OF YOU! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE DOING THIS TO ME!”

(She does, however, sit down and stop ordering drinks. She sulks for the rest of the flight, and upon landing, rushes off the plane as fast as she can.)

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Making A Drool Out Of Himself

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Romantic | September 10, 2013

(My boyfriend and I are taking our first flight together and are sitting side by side. We both fall asleep and I decide to wake him.)

Me: “Babe, wake up.”

(My boyfriend wakes up and notices a crazy amount of drool coming from his mouth down onto his shirt. He looks at me embarrassed.)

Boyfriend: “Well, at least there wasn’t a hot girl sitting beside me.”

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