(I work for a cable company in a call center. This is the end of a conversation I have with a customer.)
Me: “Anything else I can help you with today?”
Caller: “Oh, yes! I do have a question. There are these numbers on my cable box that keep changing. What are they? Like, right now, it says 5-4-7.”
Me: “Ma’am, that’s the time.”
(I work for the financial aid department at a local tech school. A student comes in and asks about his student loans.)
Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”
Student: *dismayed response* “Yeah, I want to check my student loans request.”
Me: “Sure thing. Can I get a student ID number?”
Student: “I ain’t got one.”
Me: “Can I have your last and first name?”
Student: “Yeah.”
(There’s an awkward silence as he doesn’t say anything.)
Me: “Sir, may I get your last and first name?”
Student: *gives name*
(I search for the student, but can’t find him.)
Me: “Sir, are you a student here?”
Student: “I ain’t got time for this! I want my money!”
Me: “Sir, you have to be a student to get student loans.”
Student: *shocked* “Oh, s***, really?”
(I work at a “cut your own” Christmas tree farm.)
Customer: “Are these locally grown?”
This story is part of the Farmer roundup.
(Oftentimes, customers want free advice on the phone on what to do in order to save on getting an estimate or an inspection.)
Caller: “I need advice on something. Let’s say I have a big wall dividing the kitchen and the dining room, but I want to open it up so I have a big room. Can I do that?”
Me: “Well, probably, but there might be complications. For example, if you have a load-bearing wall, we’d need to set it up so that the load is distributed differently. Not to mention, there are pipes and wires you need to worry about. Really, we’d need to send someone out to look it over, sir. It’s not really something we can tell you over the phone without seeing it first.”
Caller: “No, no. I got what I needed.”
Me: “Uh, okay.”
(He then hangs up. One week later, he calls back.)
Caller: “I’m going to sue you. I’m going to sue the living heck out of your business. You ruined my life.”
Me: “What? What’s going on? Who is this?”
Caller: “I called for advice. You said I could remove my wall in between my kitchen and dining room. Well, I did. I cut it out with my chainsaw and everything was fine until my ceiling caved in. And you know what’s above my kitchen? The upstairs bathroom. The bathtub fell through and I had to turn off the water because it damaged my pipes. Now, who’s gonna pay for that?”
(We greet customers as they come in and answer questions they may have. A man comes in with his wife and comes over to me.)
Me: “Did you have a question, sir?”
Customer: “So, what have you heard about woodchucks?”
(I’m completely confused, so I try to just play along.)
Me: “I hear they chuck wood.”
(The customer begins to scowl at me, actually looking offended and disgusted with my answer. He then asks me a few questions about some of our products before heading off to shop.)
Customer: *cryptically* “And you keep thinking about those woodchucks…”
(He returns later and I am the cashier to take care of him. He brings up the woodchuck thing again as he’s about to leave.)
Customer: “I’ve only had one person, this old man — a veteran — answer me correctly. He told me… 42.”
This story is part of our Veteran’s Day roundup!
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