Failed The Smell Test

, , , | Right | May 22, 2020

A woman wanders into the store looking very out of it. She starts talking out loud even though there is no one close by to answer her. She wanders around the store for a bit before coming up to me holding a packet of scratch-and-sniff stickers.

Woman: “I have a question.”

Me: “Of course! What is it?”

Woman: “Where exactly do you scratch and sniff?”

Me: “Uh, well, you have to take the plastic packaging off first.”

The woman looks confused.

Me: “But then you just scratch the sticker.”

She attempts to scratch the sticker through the plastic and then holds it up to her nose.

Woman: “Hmm… I guess you have to take the plastic off first!”

Me: *Pause* “Yes.”

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The Ups And Downs Of Roadtripping

, , , , | Legal | May 7, 2020

I’m roadtripping with my mom and step-dad from my home in Florida to their home in Vermont, along with my best friend. We’re on the last leg of the journey and I’m driving while everyone else is asleep, as it’s around six or seven.

The roads are familiar to me but I’m not used to driving over hills, so when I crest a hill at speed, I’m unable to slow down enough before crossing into the construction zone on the other side.

Of course, I’m immediately pulled over, though I try to be as smooth about it as possible to not wake everyone else.

Officer: “License, registration, and insurance?”

I hand them over.

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Speeding in a construction zone. Sorry, sir, I’m not used to driving over hills.”

At this, the officer does a double-take at my Florida license, then walks behind the car and takes a good hard look at the Florida plate, and then walks back up to the window and hands back my documents.

Officer: “Is your destination close?”

Me: “Yes, sir. Next town over.”

Officer: “Carry on. Drive safe.”

Me: “Thank you, sir.”

I drove off just as my passengers were stirring from the talking and lack of car movement. I told them to go back to sleep and then later regaled them with my short tale of how being a silly Flatlander got me out of a nasty speeding ticket.

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When Paper Towels Are Worth More Than Gold

, , , , , , | Related | March 29, 2020

Our home computer is in the kitchen/dining room area. My mom is at the computer and I am in the kitchen. I’m puttering around when I feel the need to blow my nose, so I tear off a paper towel and blow.

Nothing comes out. No snot, boogers, or mucous-like substances. Just hot air. So, now, I’m standing there with a perfectly good paper towel, wondering what to do with it, when I spot a water spill on the counter. Happy that the paper towel shall not go unused, I quickly wipe up the spill with the non-nosed side of the towel and turn to toss it.

That’s when I see my mother looking at me as though she is replaying my entire childhood in her head and wondering where exactly we went wrong with my upbringing. I explain that I’d actually failed to blow my nose, and we share a laugh, but I don’t know if she actually believed me or just thought I was covering for myself.

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Do Yourself A Service And Leave Service Dogs Alone

, , , , , | Friendly | March 26, 2020

(I have a service dog for multiple disabilities. I don’t always work with him with any identifying gear because people are more likely to leave us alone if they can’t tell he’s a service dog. In this instance, he is wearing a vest marking him as a service dog. My father and I are running errands after my classes end for the day and I’m entering the store a few minutes after him so that [Service Dog] could relieve himself. As we approach the door, there is a man in his car in the accessible parking spot who sees my service dog and leans out the window of his car.)  

Man: “HEY, PUPPY! Come here, puppy!” *makes kissy noises* 

Me: *to my service dog* “Leave it.”

(He doesn’t need the reminder, but sometimes people get the hint and leave us alone when I say that. We start to enter the store.)

Man: “WHAT THE F***?! WHAT THE H*** IS WRONG WITH YOU, TAKING A F****** DOG IN A F****** STORE?!”

(Thanks, random man who decided I needed to be screamed at for taking my vested service dog into a store. Also, to make things worse, I was wearing my jacket from my alma mater so, for all he knew, I was a high school student. It’s always adults, too; we never have issues with kids.)

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They Haven’t Studied Occupations Yet

, , , | Learning | February 3, 2020

(I’m a teacher and have to go to the bathroom during my break. I hate stall bathrooms so I go to the single person bathroom and double-check the door is locked as young students will just barge in.)

Student: *frantically tries to open the door* 

(I give the student a minute to realize there is someone in here and that is why the door is locked, but the connection is not made.)

Me: “Knock first!” *thinking now he will realize*

(The kid starts pounding at the door.)

Me: “It’s occupied!”

Kid: “I don’t know what that means!”

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