(In music, “pianissimo” means “very quiet”. It is abbreviated as “PP” on sheet music and scores. Currently, I am teaching a student who always pounds the keys, no matter what dynamic level is indicated.)

Student: “Oh no! This has PP!”

Me: “Yep, it’s a quiet piece.”

Student: “I hate PP! It’s too hard to do. I can’t do PP!”

Me: “Sounds like a personal problem to me, buddy…”

(I work for a company that hosts kids’ parties. One party is coming in just as another is leaving, and in the chaos, a gay couple and their daughter are getting overlooked. At the time, I am the only female on duty.)

Me: “Can I help you, sirs?”

Customer: “We just bought a ball, but we don’t know how to blow it up.”

(I take the family to the pump and show their daughter how to use it. Her dads thank me profusely and one of them makes sure to comment.)

Customer: “That’s proof, Charlotte. If you want something done right, you have to ask a woman.”

(This conversation takes place as I approach a table where a woman is sitting with a menu across from her.)

Me: “Hi, how’re you doing?”

Customer: “We’ll take two water lemons. No, watermelons! No, wait, lemon waters!”

Me: *struggling not to laugh* “Alright, ma’am, I’ll be right back with two lemon waters.”

(I am a cashier serving an elderly woman in her 70’s or 80’s. I have just finished scanning her items and she is handing me the money after looking through her purse for several minutes.)

Customer: “Here you go, dear. I was a bit worried for a moment that I wouldn’t have enough money! I thought I might have to… well, you’re probably too young to know.”

Me: “What’s that, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, I thought I might have to go down to [well-known brothel] and stand out on the street. You know, earn some fast cash!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *laughing* “You have a lovely day now!”

(I’m a hostess at a restaurant. Many of the employees wear headsets to communicate with each other. It’s a busy Friday night and I’m walking an English gentleman over to his table.)

Customer: “Excuse me, why do you have a red light on your backside?”

(I look around and realize what he’s talking about.)

Me: “Oh, it’s my headset. The light just indicates that it is on.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(I drop him off at his table and leave laughing. Later, the server for his table comes up to me…)

Server: “He asked me, ‘Do you have a red bottom too?'”