(I’m working as a programmer for a company that provides software to hospitals to manage ambulances and patient trips between rooms. I sometimes have to answer the phone to help some nurses or managers to use our product.)

Me: “[Company], hello!”

Guy: “Hello. I’m calling because some ambulances are blocked at the moment. Can you do something?”

Me: “Huh?” *not sure of what he is talking about* “Okay, tell me again what hospital you are calling from, and I will connect on your server to try to see the problem.”

Guy: “[Hospital]!” *clearly pissed that I’m not a mind reader of some sort* “But quickly! We have other s*** to do!”

Me: *as I’m starting to open the connection, still trying to figure out what is going on* “Yes, I’ll try, sir. So, on what part of our software are the ambulances not usable?”

(We have several.)

Guy: “What?”

Me: *more slowly and loudly* “On what part of our software are the ambulances not usable? [Software #1]? [ Software #2]?”

Guy: “On the parking!”

Me: *stopping everything* “What?”

Guy: “On the parking! There are a s***-ton of cars parked all over the place and the ambulances can’t get through!”

Me: “Sir, you are at the wrong number; you are calling a helpline for [Main Software name].”

Guy: “Huh?!”

Me: “The software the hospital is using to manage your work with the ambulances.”

Guy: “So? You can help me!”

Me: “I’m afraid not. I repeat: I think you have the wrong number. I have nothing to do with parking management.”

Guy: “But I have a sign in my vehicle that said, “If there is any problem, call [my company phone number]!”

Me: “Yes, computer problems! I am not sure how this sign ended up in your vehicle, but I am not in the hospital. I am not even near [City], so I certainly can’t help you from here. You should calm down and try to reach someone from the hospital itself.”

Guy: “I’m CALM! F*** YOU, B****!” *click*

Me: *sigh* “Good day to you, too.”

(I work at a Chinese restaurant that is owned by a family and has two locations. I’m taking a phone order for pickup.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Chinese Place] on [Location #1]. Is this pickup or delivery?”

Customer: “Pickup.”

Me: “Can I get a phone number?”

Customer: *gives number and name*

Me: “Okay, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “I just need a shrimp fried rice, but I want the noodles instead of the rice.”

Me: *confused* “So, you want the shrimp lo mein?”

Customer: “No! I want the shrimp fried rice, with noodles instead of rice! I get this every time I go there!”

Me: *rings her up for shrimp lo mein* “Okay, is there anything else I can get for you?”

Customer: “No. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

(An hour later the customer comes in, looking furious.)

Customer: “I went to the wrong place. I went to [Location #2] and they said they didn’t have my order. I need to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. One moment while I get her.”

(It takes a few minutes to get my manager since she is packing orders. While I am getting her, my coworker reads what the lady ordered.)

Manager: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Your idiot employee sent me to the wrong location and put in the wrong order. I wanted the shrimp fried rice, with noodles instead of rice! I should not have to pay for this food if the service is going to be this bad.”

Manager: “I apologize if she didn’t tell you which location to go to. But the fried rice and lo mein are different meals and different prices.”

Customer: “I know about the price difference. The fried rice is cheaper, so I order that but with noodles.”

Manager: “We can’t do that. You have to order lo mein if you want noodles. Have a nice day.”

(She walks back to the kitchen.)

Customer: *to me* “I want your corporate number. I have never been treated like this before.”

Me: “We are a family-owned business; there is no corporate number.”

Customer: “Well, then, I’ll just call the cops and tell them how you are all crooks!”

(She did call the cops. When they got there, she told them what had happened. They talked with both my manager and the owner. The lady was ticketed for making a false emergency call. We haven’t seen her since.)

(I work as a cashier and for the last few months, I’ve frequently been getting colds and other minor illnesses. None of this has prevented me from coming into work but has become very annoying.)

Me: “I’ll be seeing a doctor tomorrow because this is getting ridiculous.”

Coworker: “Your immune system is so rubbish.”

Me: “I know.”

(A customer approaches and I ring her up.)

Me: “That’ll be [total], please.”

Customer: “Okay.” *digs her hand into her pockets for change*

(I hold my hand out for the change. At the same time, she draws her hand out of her pocket and reveals her change,  along with a very used tissue, which she dumps into my hand. Then she takes the tissue back.)

Customer: “Oh, sorry, dear. I need that.”

(I have a very good theory about why I keep getting colds.)

There’s very limited counter space at the checkout of the dollar store where I work, yet, without fail, semi-weekly there’s customers that decide they can pile all of their shopping cart onto it and I’ll manage to pick through it. Sometimes the people making the mountain are quite especially idiotic, and here is one such story.

I worked in fast food before the dollar store, so my speed is bizarrely quick. A middle-aged woman piles her mountain high carts — yes, two full shopping carts — onto the counter, almost appearing to attempt to race my flying hands. While continuing to empty her cart, at times not looking at the counter, and perhaps being blind to it entirely, the customer starts dropping items onto the floor. Eventually, she breaks a bottle of juice on the floor. The woman glares at me instead of accepting responsibly.

I say simply, “Perhaps you can take a rest on emptying your cart, as I now have to mop up the juice before you or another customer is injured.” I then take my sweet time putting up signage and cleaning up the spill. After this passes, it seems her mood has, as well, and she apologizes for her earlier behavior.

Patience is priceless.

(I’m a cashier in this story at a bookstore. It’s around 10:00 am on a Saturday. At the back of the store is a Starbucks, but unfortunately, every once in a while people don’t pay attention…)

Me: *noticing the next person in line has no purchases* “Good morning, ma’am, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “One triple shot latte, please.”

Me: “Ma’am… this isn’t Starbucks.”

Customer: *looks up at me, sees there are clearly no coffee machines anywhere* “Oh! I saw the Starbucks logo in the window and just assumed…”

Me: *points to Starbucks*

Customer: *walks away quickly*

Me & Coworker: *bursts out laughing*

(I think she needed a quad shot that day!)