(This happens back in the mid-2000s when I work at a computer store that will later go belly-up. I am a service tech, meaning all I do is check in computers. There are actual techs who work on the machines, and I flat-out make a point to explain that I am not technically proficient to give advice on how to fix machines.)

Customer: “My laptop won’t stay on, even with the battery, anymore. It won’t hold a charge. What do you think I should do?”

Me: “It’s hard to say… It could be the battery, or it could be the laptop. We can check it in for testing. It’s initially $19, and if there’s anything wrong with it, the techs can advise you from there.”

Customer: “Hmm… $19 to get it looked at? I mean… couldn’t it just be the battery? Maybe I should just get another battery.”

Me: “Maybe. I’m not a tech, so I can’t say if it is or not, and it’s not been tested. Besides, batteries run over $100 in some cases, so it may be cheaper to have the tech look at it. If the laptop is under warranty, it may be something easily fixed for free.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t have that long. I have to travel this weekend, and I need to take it with me. What kind of batteries do you have for [Model]?”

Me: *shows him the different ones, none of which match his model laptop, as it’s an older computer* “I really wouldn’t suggest buying one of these unless you know it works with your computer, though. Since you didn’t bring it with you, choosing one blindly wouldn’t be wise. We don’t accept batteries back once they’ve been opened.”

Customer: “That’s okay. I’m sure it’s this one.”

(The model version is for a newer type of laptop than what he has. I suggest again that he bring his laptop with him to try them out, but he decides to buy it all the same. Cue a month later…)

Customer: *red in the face* “You sold me the wrong battery! I want my money back, now!“

Me: “Sir, all returns are at the returns desk. And I hate to tell you that we don’t take batteries back.”

Customer: “Yes, you did! You flat-out told me to buy this one!”

(I hadn’t remembered the man at first, but it finally clicks when he shows me the battery in question.)

Me: “Ah… Yes, it didn’t fit, did it? I did warn you to bring your laptop up here. We’re not able to take the battery back, just because it didn’t fit. We could only take it back if it was malfunctioning.”

Customer: “TAKE IT BACK!”

(He threw his plastic bag at me, which did nothing but float to the ground. By this time, our tech manager wa at the desk talking to him and backing up what I’d said. The general manager was then called and she told him word for word what I had told him. He started screaming and throwing such a tantrum that she told him to leave the store or she would call the police. He went outside and started slamming the battery against the brick column outside the store, then tried to come back in and claim that the battery was malfunctioning. Such a waste. He could have sold that and gotten most of his money back elsewhere.)

(I work at a very small dentist office in a very small town. We service at least 1,000 patients with one dentist. It’s a Friday. The doctor is at a meeting all day and I am just here answering phones. We are an affordable dentist office. Nothing fancy here.)

Me: “Dr. [Dentist]’s office; how can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, um, I was in there a few months ago and had a root canal. I couldn’t afford a crown, so the doc did his magic, but the filling is really loose and I think it may come out. Can I come in this afternoon and have him fix it again?”

Me: “Oh, no! I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, the doctor is out today and we are completely filled up on Monday. I will be more than happy to get you in on Tuesday around two o’clock.”

Patient: “WHAT?! Tuesday is too long to wait! My tooth is already ruined. If I wait until Tuesday it will be totally ruined! I will just go somewhere else!”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. Have a great day.”

(This happens more often than not. People think they are the only patients we have and that the world revolves around their tiny, sad, smalltown lives. Twenty minutes go by. The phone rings again.)

Me: ”Dr. [Dentist]’s office; how can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, um, I’ll take the two o’clock on Tuesday…”

Me: “Not a problem, sir. I’ve got you down and we will see you then. Thanks and have a great day.”

(Sad thing is, he probably called around and found out how much most other dentists charge for simple procedures. You’re paying for his nice new office, chairs, all the pretty assistants, and his new BMW parked outside.)

(I shop I work at has a ton of artist-made, one-of-a-kind items. It’s is also quite small and built in a historic building.)

Customer: “Do you have this bowl in blue?”

Me: “I’m afraid what you see is all we have.”

Customer: “Could you check the back?”

Me: “All of our product is on display; we don’t have overstock.”

Customer: “Don’t be lazy! Just check the back room.”

Me: “There is no back room to check.”

Customer: “Then what’s that?”

Me: “That’s our back door.”

(The customer rolls their eyes and huffs but continues shopping. A few minutes later, the alarm shrieks out. The customer has opened the back door, setting off the alarm and stepping outside. I rush to disable the alarm, and there’s a minute of silence before I hear a knock at the back door. Outside, there’s a narrow, private alley locked on both sides by a tall gate, and the customer has obviously found himself caged in. I open the door to find him looking sheepish, and he quickly makes his way through the store to leave. I can’t help calling after him:)

Me: “Did you find overstock in the back room?”

(I’m a cashier at a superstore, and it kills me when people hand me cold or frozen items they don’t want. I cannot leave, nor can I call anyone, so that food is definitely going to spoil. Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to ask the customers to return the items, either. This is why it always brings a smile when people run the items back themselves. It may hold up the line for a little, but that is worth not wasting food. The following happens to be a very unusual instance of customer consideration:)

Customer: “Oh! Just hang on a sec while I grab a soda!”

Me: “Sure!” *the powered cooler is a few feet away*

Customer: *starts laughing*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “It looks like someone didn’t want their milk.”

Me: *leaves the register for a moment to look* “Oh, my!”

(A container of milk was sitting amongst the sodas. After a bit of a laugh, the customer and I returned to my station and I finished checking them out. Thanks for preserving the milk, random customer!)

(I am at work at a shoe store when a customer walks in. She has a very thick accent.)

Customer: “Do you have clits?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Clits! Clits, you know, for soccer!”

Me: “OH, CLEATS! No, I’m sorry, we don’t sell those.”