Lowest Common Denominator
Customer: “I’d like a Chicken Kiev pizza, without chicken, garlic or sweetcorn. And throw some ham on there.”
Employee: “So, you want a ham pizza?”
Customer: “Yeah, why not.”
The customer is NOT always right!
God, I Love Lawyers
Me: “Okay, sir, so I would just need you to verify your information and sign here–”
(The patient cuts me off, snatches the clipboard, and gives me this I’m-not-stupid look.)
Patient: “Listen, I don’t need you to tell me what to do. I’m a lawyer and I know how the system works!”
(He sits down and starts looking over the paperwork. Five minutes later…)
Patient: “Ma’am, where did you need me to sign?”
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Sure, We Have A Cow Out Back (Part 2)
Customer: “Um… yes, are you guys going to put out more skim milk?”
Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but we’re all out of white milk, both skim and 2%. All we have left is chocolate.”
Customer: “Completely out?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am, we’re completely out.”
Customer: “Oh, well. Do you think you could make some more?”
Me: “Are you serious?!”
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All That For Nothing
Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. Can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, please, you sell doonoo?”
Me: “I’m sorry? Do we sell what?”
Customer: *points at menu board* “You know, noots!”
Me: *looks up to where he’s pointing which is a picture of some bagels* “Bagels?”
Customer: “No! Noots! Doonoots!”
(This goes on for several minutes, both of us getting more and more frustrated, until…)
Me: “Wait, are you saying nuts?”
Customer: “Yes, yes!”
Me: “We have peanuts for our ice cream sundaes.”
Customer: “No, no, no. DOOnoots!”
Me: *with a huge smile of understanding* “You mean doughnuts?!”
Customer: “Yes!”
(Keep in mind we have been working on this for a good five minutes. He now looks so excited that what I say next nearly breaks my heart.)
Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t sell doughnuts.”
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A Pyrrhic Victory
(Earlier in the day this guy called to make a reservation, even though we were totally booked. The manager decided to take it anyway. When he got to the restaurant, he proceeded to pick his own table though I had no idea he had.)
Me: “Okay, sir, just follow me and I can bring you to your table.”
Customer: “But I’ve been waiting for this one.”
Me: “Well, sir, that table is still occupied however I do have an available table for you.”
Customer: “NO! I don’t want that table. I’ve been waiting for this table for twenty minutes now! Why should I go sit at that table when I’ve been waiting for this one!”
Me: “Okay. But just so you know. It’s going to be another twenty minutes before they pay and get up, if they decide to get up after paying. Even then you’d still have to wait for a busser to clear it and another one to reset it and right now they are backed up.”
Customer: “I just don’t understand why I can’t have this table.”
Me: *annoyed* “And I don’t understand why you won’t sit at an open table that we have waiting for you where you can sit down and start enjoying your meal now instead of waiting another 30 minutes for THAT table to be ready for you.”
Customer: “Attitude? Are you giving me attitude? I don’t think so buddy!”
Me: “Weelll…”
(At this point the other hostesses gave me a death look to shut up so I gave up. The customers at the table he was waiting for actually did decide to camp out for another hour. By that time we sat the table we were to give him. He ended up waiting an extra hour and a half to be seated.)
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