(The client, a postman, walks in with his older machine. He sets it down on the desk. I turn it on and dust comes out the back. He explains how slow it’s been and how much he hates Windows Millennium Edition.)

Me: “We can fix that up for you, but with the cost of the upgrade to Windows XP, the memory to support it, etc., it might be wise just to purchase a new computer and transfer the data.”

Client: “Nah, that’s all right. I like this one.”

(I go around the desk to fetch his paperwork. He somehow finds a paper clip and decides to remove the dust on the back of his power supply fan with it. Shortly thereafter, a blue flash comes out the back, he jumps a bit, and the computer turns off.)

Client: “Yanno what? I’ll just get that data backup.”

Me: “One moment, please…”

(I am a volunteer at the zoo, and I am walking around an exhibit room with a boa constrictor in my arms so people can pet her.)

Man: “Can we pet it? It’s not slimy, is it?”

Me: “No, sir, not at all. She’s very sweet; go ahead.”

Man: *pets snake* “Wow, it’s really soft.” *reaches for my head* “Let’s see if its handler is, too…”

Me: “?!” *dodges his hand*

(Thankfully, he left quickly!)

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Customer: “You have shoe with knife on bottom?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “Shoe with knife on bottom!”

Me: “Do you mean ice skates?”

Customer: “Yes, skate!”

Me: “Yes, we do sell ice skates.”

Customer: “NO! You have skate?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “So you have shoe with knife on bottom?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “Thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome–”

Customer: “Thank you!”

Me: “You’re wel–”

Customer: “Thank you!”

*click*

(Our store was pretty dead on this night; no one came in for at least half an hour before closing, but like good employees we kept the doors unlocked until our registers read 8 o’clock on the dot. I lock the doors, and five minutes later, a woman walks up to the door.)

Customer: *pulls on door, notices it’s locked, pulls harder*

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed. But we’ll be open at nine tomorrow.”

Customer: “What the h***?”

Me: “Ma’am, we closed five minutes ago. I’m sorry, but our hours are posted.”

Customer: “This is insane, it’s 7:59! You shouldn’t lock the doors so early.”

Me: “Our registers show that it’s 8:07–” (I look at my watch and my cell phone) “–and I’ve got 8:08. I’m sorry, we open at nine tomorrow.”

Customer: “I just need a few things! It won’t take long.”

Me: “Our registers are closed, so there’s no money in them. You can come back tomorrow at nine. Even if it was 7:59, it takes more than one minute to shop and check out.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I just need a few things.”

Me: “Fine.”

(I unlock the doors to let her in; my coworker finishes closing the registers. The woman runs around the store for ten minutes, grabbing several things that probably could have waited until morning, and plops them down on the register.)

Coworker: *smiles* “Did you find everything you needed?”

Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, our registers have been closed for 20 minutes and I can’t ring the sale after hours. Would you like me to hold it for you until tomorrow?”

(The customer’s jaw drops. I go to hold the door open for her.)

Me: “We open at nine.”

(Coworker and I high-fived.)

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Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is [My Name].”

(The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)

Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48-inch dick.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I mean DECK!”

(It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)