(My little brother is a fan of an FPS game with characters of various origins. One of his favorite things to do while playing other video games is to imitate the voice of one of the characters, who has a super-loud voice with a Russian accent. When I get the calls from “Microsoft,” this interaction happens.)

Scammer: “Hi, this is Microsoft. We detected a virus on your computer.”

Me: “Please hold for Heavy.” *covers phone and goes to [Brother]’s room* “Heavy, it’s for you.”

Brother: *picks up the voice and dons bad Russian Accent* “Heavy Cyber Security Handlers. WE PUNCH HACKERS! What needs pun-” *switches to normal, quiet voice* “They hung up on Heavy.”

(My family has a competition on who handles them the best. My brother got first place, second goes to my uncle who answers the phone with “Sheriff’s Department.”)

(I am standing at the till when a customer approaches me with a set of driving lights. They normally cost $350; however, they have been put on a clearance price of $200. While I have some power to adjust prices, I can’t on this particular item, as the store would already be losing money at the clearance price.)

Customer: “How much are these?”

Me: “As the ticket says, they would cost you $200.”

Customer: “Can you do a better price on them?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. They normally cost $350 and are already on clearance for $200; that’s the best I can do.”

Customer: *stands and looks back and forth between the lights and me for a minute* “Fine. I’m just going to take them, then.”

(I assume he means buying them until he starts walking to the exit, lights in hand.)

Me: “Excuse me, but no. You need to pay for those.”

Customer: “You’re excused, bye!”

(Unfortunately, it seems this guy was an old pro at this, as he was riding a bicycle and therefore, we had no vehicle registration to provide the police, and while we have surveillance cameras, the glare made the guy’s face so obscured, it could not be made out.)

(Children have been throwing stones at my friend’s house for years. My friend, who is disabled and has intellectual difficulties, is terrified. He calls the police. A cop is taking a witness statement from me, as I witnessed the most recent attack. Law enforcement is an extremely dangerous job here; police officers look under their car for a bomb every morning. I am EXTREMELY respectful and do what I can to lighten their day.)

Cop: “The second attack was at 1430. What happened then?”

Me: “I went outside, saw five kids, and told them to stop throwing stones because [Friend] was very scared.”

Cop: “Did you recognise any of them?”

Me: *addressing him by his rank* “No, constable. I have Asperger Syndrome and I’m face-blind. I have extreme difficulty recognising people.”

Cop: “Can you say what age they are?”

Me: “Same problem, sir. Between seven and fourteen? Hey, there’s [Friend]’s cat, Marty. He could give you better evidence.”

Cop: *grinning* “Perhaps, but I’m not sure a cat makes a competent witness.”

Me: “Did you know police in Wales tried to prosecute a guy for murder on the grounds that he confessed to his cat?”

Cop: “What?”

Me: “They had bugged his flat, and found he talked to his cat a lot. Apparently, he told the cat he killed the guy. Really, I studied law.”

Cop: *laughter* “So, anyway…”

(He talked to the other kids, who quickly turned in the culprit. He will be dealt with!)

(I am working third-shift in a convenience store. One night, a somewhat intoxicated woman comes in carrying a handful of sunglasses.)

Woman: “Hi. I need to return these sunglasses.”

Me: “Hello. I can help you with that; I just need to see your receipt to process your refund.”

Woman: “They didn’t give me no receipt! Just give me my money back.”

Me: “No problem; I can reprint your receipt. When did you purchase these items?”

Woman: “Um, Tuesday?”

Me: “Okay, and about what time on Tuesday?”

Woman: “I don’t know; my sister actually bought them… from [another location]. Just give me my money!”

(At this point the customer staggers and knocks over a jerky display.)

Me: *having lost all patience* “Lady, you stole these sunglasses, didn’t you?”

Woman: “Please, just give me my money! I need some money, please!”

Me: *taking the sunglasses and putting them on the back counter* “No, I think I’ll call the police, instead.”

(The woman cussed me out and fled the store. The next day the district manager sent out an email warning about a woman who stole some sunglasses from [other location]. I called him and told him I had them right here with me.)

(My coworker is examining pee samples for a patient. They need to pass the drug test to be able to drive a vehicle for work.)

Coworker: “[My Name], come look at this.”

(He hands me the pee sample and the results.)

Me: “Hmm, well, it says here Mr. [Last Name] is pregnant, so unless he’s trans and it’s not on file, I’d say he cheated.”

(I’d doubted anyone would be stupid enough to have a pregnant woman cheat for them but, as it turns out, he was.)