Cat Caught Your Offending Tongue

, , , | Legal | January 20, 2019

(Children have been throwing stones at my friend’s house for years. My friend, who is disabled and has intellectual difficulties, is terrified. He calls the police. A cop is taking a witness statement from me, as I witnessed the most recent attack. Law enforcement is an extremely dangerous job here; police officers look under their car for a bomb every morning. I am EXTREMELY respectful and do what I can to lighten their day.)

Cop: “The second attack was at 1430. What happened then?”

Me: “I went outside, saw five kids, and told them to stop throwing stones because [Friend] was very scared.”

Cop: “Did you recognise any of them?”

Me: *addressing him by his rank* “No, constable. I have Asperger Syndrome and I’m face-blind. I have extreme difficulty recognising people.”

Cop: “Can you say what age they are?”

Me: “Same problem, sir. Between seven and fourteen? Hey, there’s [Friend]’s cat, Marty. He could give you better evidence.”

Cop: *grinning* “Perhaps, but I’m not sure a cat makes a competent witness.”

Me: “Did you know police in Wales tried to prosecute a guy for murder on the grounds that he confessed to his cat?”

Cop: “What?”

Me: “They had bugged his flat, and found he talked to his cat a lot. Apparently, he told the cat he killed the guy. Really, I studied law.”

Cop: *laughter* “So, anyway…”

(He talked to the other kids, who quickly turned in the culprit. He will be dealt with!)

Just Plain Jane

, , , , | Right | January 10, 2019

(I am working at an international call center, which, though located in the middle of continental Europe, mostly receives calls from various places on the British Isles. Names in the story have been changed.)

Me: “Hello. My name’s Charlie; how can I help you?”

Caller: “What? You’re a woman!”

Me: “Yes, how can I help you, sir?”

Caller: “What was your name again?”

Me: “Charlie. Oh, I get the confusion. It’s short for Charlotte, sir.”

Caller: “That’s a man’s name! You’re a woman! You’re lying to me!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, sir. Now, how can I help you?”

Caller: “This is ridiculous! You’re trying to be a man. I demand to speak to your manager!”

(I sigh, but I ask the guy to wait while I go to get my supervisor. She has a very low voice that still sounds female in real life, but over the phone, it can sometimes sound a bit masculine. I’m sure everyone can see where this is going. I only hear the following because the guy is so loud it bleeds out of the headset.)

Supervisor: “Hello, sir, I’m the supervisor. My name’s Jane. How can I–“

Caller: “What is this?!”

Supervisor: “Sorry?”

Caller: “Where the f*** did I call?! You’re all liars!”

Supervisor: “I’m not sure I follow.”

Caller: “You’re a man!”

Supervisor: “Sir, my name’s Jane, and I’m the supervisor you asked for. How can I–“

Caller: “You are all f***** up! What is this bulls***!?”

Supervisor: “Sir, if you insult me or any employee one more time, I have to inform you that according to policy, I am allowed to hang up on you.”

Caller: “Shut the f*** up, you [gay slur]!”

(The supervisor hangs up, rolling her eyes, and summarizes him thusly:)

Supervisor: “Well, here’s one for the training team…”

Unfiltered Story #135090

, , | Unfiltered | December 27, 2018

(It was late one night and me and two other co-workers were in the shop alone, a gentleman holding a bottle of vodka came swaggering into the shop)

Me: Hello sir can I help you?

Customer: Do you sell any lucozade in the shop

(I stood there a bit baffled)

Me: Um, no I’m afraid not sir but they do sell lucozade in the shop that you’ve just come out of

(Customer waddles out of the store mumbling, a couple of hours later I tell my co-worker this and she looked at me kind of confused)

Co-worker: Lucozade? What was he on?

Me: Well he had a battle of vodka in his hand when he came in so probably that

I Smell A Rat…

, , , , | Right | December 16, 2018

(I am approached by a shifty-looking, female customer. She slinks up to me and gets in close so she can speak in a low voice.)

Customer: “Excuse me, young man! The rat poison you have on sale there — is it harmful to people?”

Me: “Yes, madam, I’m almost certain it will be harmful to most living creatures. You need to keep it out of reach of children and pets.”

Customer: “So, if I gave some to a person, would it kill them?”

Me: “Well, yes, I suppose it would.”

Customer: “Definitely?”

Me: “I can’t say for sure, madam, but I’m 99% certain that it would kill a person if they took enough of it.”

Customer: “Do you know how much you would need to kill a person?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I really can’t say, madam; it depends on the person.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, thanks!” *nods conspiratorially and walks off*

They Wanted Skinny Fries

, , , , | Right | November 6, 2018

(I work in a bar and restaurant chain with a pretty diverse menu. We have many meals that are listed twice — one normal that comes with fries, or a “skinny” option with salad, instead. This happens far too often.)

Customer: “I’d like a skinny chicken burger, please.”

Me: “That’s the burger and salad, right?”

Customer: “Yeah, the skinny chicken burger.”

(Transaction completed, we deliver the food.)

Customer: “Where are my fries?!”

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