The Bar Has Been Set Very High

, , , , , , | Working | April 16, 2021

Years ago, I worked in a meat processing factory. Although I was employed as one of the admin staff, I still had to go through the same company induction as everyone else. So, I turned up at 7:30 am on the day of induction and sat through all the usual guff one might expect in a company induction: Health and Safety, Terms and Conditions, and so on. Just before lunch break, one of the training team gave us a very detailed talk about the company’s drugs and alcohol policy. The short version: don’t drink or take drugs on the job, and if you must drink or take drugs on an evening or weekend, at least make sure you’re sober/clean by the time you arrive on site for shift. We were also told that the company does conduct random, voluntary, and for-cause drug tests.

During the spiel about the drug tests, I raised my hand and asked, “Ever caught anyone during these tests?”

The trainer started to chuckle. He told us that several years previously, he’d been standing in the exact same room, giving the exact same talk about drug testing. He’d dismissed the inductees for lunch and gone off to get his own lunch. A little while later, he’d gone off to use the toilet, and when he walked in, he found one of the inductees sitting in the cubicle, puffing away on a joint!

The inductee was swiftly fired, just a few hours into his induction, and without even having made it as far as the factory floor to meet his colleagues!

We all got a good laugh out of that story.

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No Hope Is Left

, , , | Right | April 14, 2021

A customer calls in looking for help with her computer.

Me: “I need you to click the start icon on the bottom left-hand corner.”

Customer: “Your left or my left?”

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Wrap This Person In Bubble Wrap! Part 2

, , , , | Healthy | February 6, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: Major Injury

 

All through my life, I have been accidentally injuring myself in spectacular ways. The fact that I have balance and coordination problems as a result of ASD and Dyspraxia doesn’t help. At school, the teachers knew me as “the girl who’s always getting hurt.” I have so many stories about me getting injured that it would be impossible to share them all here, but here’s one of the worse ones.

This was about two years ago when I was nineteen years old, on the night of my sister’s sixteenth birthday. My sister and I don’t get on, so my mother and I agreed that I could spend the evening in my room. I was happy enough, as I don’t really cope well with lots of people around, and anyway, none of my sister’s friends liked me.

I was sitting in my room playing a game on my computer, and I got up to use the bathroom. As I slid out from between my desk and my chair, my foot must have gotten caught in a cable, because I tripped. I fell and smacked face-first into a set of bookshelves, smashing my glasses. My hands, forearms, and knees hit the wooden floor with full force. My mother, hearing the loud crash, came rushing in to find me sprawled on the floor, blood pouring from my nose, unable to use my arms to push myself upright. She did her best to stop the bleeding from my nose and then decided that it would be prudent to take me to the hospital.

A couple of x-rays later and the extent of my injuries was shocking. I’d broken my nose in three places; the pain was so bad that I felt sick. I’d broken my left radius and ulna in six places and shattered my left thumb. I’d broken my right wrist in two places and three fingers on my right hand. After an overnight stay in hospital, I went for surgery the following morning and was kept in again overnight.

My mother came to pick me up from the hospital and, according to her, I “looked a real sight.” I had two black eyes and bruising on my cheeks, and my nose was in a cast. My left arm was casted from my fingers up past my elbow, and I had a cast on my thumb. My right arm had a cast covering my three broken fingers and running along my arm until just before my elbow. My knees were bruised, and although not broken, it was painful to bend them.

As I walked out of the hospital with my two arms in slings, it occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to do much for myself for the next few weeks. Plus, I’ve been deaf and non-speaking since birth and I use sign language, so I knew I’d have to get by with nodding and shaking my head. I hated needing my mother to feed me, wash me, and dress me, but what could I do? I told myself that at least I could still walk…

And then two weeks later, I fell down the stairs, broke my leg, and ended up confined to bed anyway!

Related:
Wrap This Person In Bubble Wrap!

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Two Bros Sleeping Five Feet Apart Because They’re Not Gay

, , , , | Friendly | January 23, 2021

I have a friend who is… strange, to say the least. He is FIERCELY pro-gay rights and yet is simultaneously one of the most homophobic people I’ve ever met. Don’t ask me to explain his logic, because I can’t. It’s worth noting that neither of us is gay.

I invite him to go with me on a trip to London, which requires an early morning departure; our flight is at 6:30 am or something like that. To soften the pain of waking up early, I decide that we’ll go to the airport the night before and check ourselves into the airport hotel, literally a three-minute walk from departures.

We arrive at the hotel and check in, and on entering our room, we discover that the reception has put us in a double room instead of a twin. I say nothing, but my friend starts THIS conversation.

Friend: “It’s a double bed.”

Me: “Yes, it is. Reception must have messed up.”

Friend: “So, can we talk to them? It’s a double bed!”

I phone reception, who realise their error and apologise, saying that they can’t do anything about it as they are fully booked. They give us a complimentary dinner in the hotel as an apology. I thank them, tell them we manage with a double bed, and hang up.

My friend emerges from the bathroom as I’m hanging up the phone.

Friend: “Well?”

Me: “They’re fully booked.”

Friend: “So what do we do? It’s a double bed.

Me: “We’ll have to manage.”

My friend looks genuinely terrified at the prospect of having to share a DOUBLE BED with a male friend.

Friend: “But…”

Me: “But what?”

Friend: “…”

Me: “Oh, come on, mate. It’s one night. What are you afraid of? Sharing a bed with your male friend isn’t going to turn you gay, you know!”

Friend: *Panicking* “Don’t say stuff like that!”

We went down to dinner and my friend seemed more nervous and on-edge than usual; he always was highly strung. Back in the room, I lay on the bed to watch TV while my friend sat awkwardly in a chair. When bedtime arrived, he squirmed as I climbed into my side of the bed, and then he rolled over and tried to get as far away from me as possible. He was being ridiculous.

We both ended up sleeping very well, and my friend survived his “ordeal” with no “damage” to his sexuality. We had a great time in London and arrived home safe and sound. To this day, I still feel his response to sharing a bed with me was an overreaction. Am I right?

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Purity, Gone In A Flash

, , , , | Working | January 11, 2021

My boyfriend and I — both male — are tourists in Northern Ireland. We have a few hours to pass, so we walk into a large cathedral to look around. We are both very interested in history, and religious buildings of all forms are great preservers of local history, so they are some of our favorite places to visit when we travel.

While we’re walking around the cathedral, a priest approaches.

Priest: “Hello, and welcome to [Cathedral]! Do you have any questions about this magnificent building or the area around us?”

We end up spending several minutes chatting to him, and he happily answers all of our questions about the cathedral itself and the city we’re in. Finally, we have only one more question to ask.

Me: “Is it okay to take photographs of some of the displays and artwork around the building?”

Priest: “Yes, it is okay, although I must advise you not to use flash, as it could damage some of the older artworks.”

Me: “That’s fine. We go to a lot of museums, so we’re used to no flash.”

Priest: “Of course, women may flash in here… but surely, two handsome young gentlemen such as yourselves know all about that, as well!”

With that comment, my boyfriend and I — again, both male — were both stunned into silence. Before either of us could respond, the priest chuckled to himself, wished us a blessed day, and wandered off to introduce himself to the next visitors. My boyfriend and I wandered around for another ten minutes or so, taking pictures — without flash, of course — and then headed to the nearest pub to try and wash the awkward memory away.

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