Signing In A Scottish Accent

, , , , , , | Learning | March 20, 2019

(I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I often feel like I don’t “fit in” because relating to people is challenging for me. However, I’ve started learning British Sign Language, and I love it. It is literal, logical, and has grey areas. Deaf people are very direct, too. I also have a photographic memory, which I haven’t found to be much use… until now. I learn new signs extremely fast. Even my deaf teacher struggles to keep pace. In class, we are learning about countries. This roleplay happens in front of the class, in BSL.)

Classmate #1: “Where are you going on holiday?”

Me: “New Scotland.”

Classmate #1: “What?”

Me: *slowly in BSL and English* “New Scotland, Canada: Nova Scotia.”

Classmate #1: *confused*

Teacher: “If you want to say two countries, you need to say, ‘and.’ Scotland A-N-D Canada.”

Classmate #2: *in English and BSL* “He didn’t say Scotland; I think he means New England and Canada.”

(I am extremely confused. The signs for England and Scotland are very different and unmistakable. I have no idea where she got “New England” from. As for my teacher, he didn’t have a clear view, and missed the sign “new.” He thinks I mean Scotland and Canada. I can’t get it across in BSL, so I resort to English.)

Me: “No, I signed literally, ‘New Scotland.’ That means Nova Scotia in Canada, which is Latin for ‘New Scotland.’ In most languages, including BSL, Nova Scotia is translated literally. I saw it last week from an interpreter on TV.”

Teacher: “Oh. Nothing wrong with the sign, but maybe we’ll keep it at the right level for the exam?”

(I continue to learn BSL extremely fast. One day I hope to qualify as an interpreter.)

Unfiltered Story #141279

, , | Unfiltered | February 21, 2019

(This has actually happened to me a couple of times, because of my accent, some people mistake me for being American, which isn’t a bad thing when you listen to the accent of my hometown, one day there was a gentleman who came into the store buying a Chromecast)

Customer: So how are you enjoying Northern Ireland?

Me: Pardon?

Customer: It must be interesting for someone from America to visit Londonderry

Me: Um, I’m not really American sir

Customer: Are you not? Where are you from then, Canada? Canada is a lovely place isn’t it?

Me: Oh I’m not from Canada either sir

Customer: Really? Where are you from?

Me: Londonderry

Customer: Oh…really? Did you move here?

Me: No, born and raised in Londonderry

Customer: Oh

Me: Have a nice day

(Customer leaves the store)

Manager: You know you should just say your from America just for fun

Me: Nah

Cat Caught Your Offending Tongue

, , , | Legal | January 20, 2019

(Children have been throwing stones at my friend’s house for years. My friend, who is disabled and has intellectual difficulties, is terrified. He calls the police. A cop is taking a witness statement from me, as I witnessed the most recent attack. Law enforcement is an extremely dangerous job here; police officers look under their car for a bomb every morning. I am EXTREMELY respectful and do what I can to lighten their day.)

Cop: “The second attack was at 1430. What happened then?”

Me: “I went outside, saw five kids, and told them to stop throwing stones because [Friend] was very scared.”

Cop: “Did you recognise any of them?”

Me: *addressing him by his rank* “No, constable. I have Asperger Syndrome and I’m face-blind. I have extreme difficulty recognising people.”

Cop: “Can you say what age they are?”

Me: “Same problem, sir. Between seven and fourteen? Hey, there’s [Friend]’s cat, Marty. He could give you better evidence.”

Cop: *grinning* “Perhaps, but I’m not sure a cat makes a competent witness.”

Me: “Did you know police in Wales tried to prosecute a guy for murder on the grounds that he confessed to his cat?”

Cop: “What?”

Me: “They had bugged his flat, and found he talked to his cat a lot. Apparently, he told the cat he killed the guy. Really, I studied law.”

Cop: *laughter* “So, anyway…”

(He talked to the other kids, who quickly turned in the culprit. He will be dealt with!)

Just Plain Jane

, , , , | Right | January 10, 2019

(I am working at an international call center, which, though located in the middle of continental Europe, mostly receives calls from various places on the British Isles. Names in the story have been changed.)

Me: “Hello. My name’s Charlie; how can I help you?”

Caller: “What? You’re a woman!”

Me: “Yes, how can I help you, sir?”

Caller: “What was your name again?”

Me: “Charlie. Oh, I get the confusion. It’s short for Charlotte, sir.”

Caller: “That’s a man’s name! You’re a woman! You’re lying to me!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, sir. Now, how can I help you?”

Caller: “This is ridiculous! You’re trying to be a man. I demand to speak to your manager!”

(I sigh, but I ask the guy to wait while I go to get my supervisor. She has a very low voice that still sounds female in real life, but over the phone, it can sometimes sound a bit masculine. I’m sure everyone can see where this is going. I only hear the following because the guy is so loud it bleeds out of the headset.)

Supervisor: “Hello, sir, I’m the supervisor. My name’s Jane. How can I–“

Caller: “What is this?!”

Supervisor: “Sorry?”

Caller: “Where the f*** did I call?! You’re all liars!”

Supervisor: “I’m not sure I follow.”

Caller: “You’re a man!”

Supervisor: “Sir, my name’s Jane, and I’m the supervisor you asked for. How can I–“

Caller: “You are all f***** up! What is this bulls***!?”

Supervisor: “Sir, if you insult me or any employee one more time, I have to inform you that according to policy, I am allowed to hang up on you.”

Caller: “Shut the f*** up, you [gay slur]!”

(The supervisor hangs up, rolling her eyes, and summarizes him thusly:)

Supervisor: “Well, here’s one for the training team…”

Unfiltered Story #135090

, , | Unfiltered | December 27, 2018

(It was late one night and me and two other co-workers were in the shop alone, a gentleman holding a bottle of vodka came swaggering into the shop)

Me: Hello sir can I help you?

Customer: Do you sell any lucozade in the shop

(I stood there a bit baffled)

Me: Um, no I’m afraid not sir but they do sell lucozade in the shop that you’ve just come out of

(Customer waddles out of the store mumbling, a couple of hours later I tell my co-worker this and she looked at me kind of confused)

Co-worker: Lucozade? What was he on?

Me: Well he had a battle of vodka in his hand when he came in so probably that

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