Regular Customer #1: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
Me: *beaming* “I have, in fact! I’ve had to fight pretty hard for it. Thank you for noticing!”
(Ten minutes later…)
Regular Customer #2: “Are you having a baby?”
Me: *no longer beaming*
(At University, I am dating a girl for about 6 months. However I realise after some deep thought that I am gay, so I decide to break up with her.)
Me: “Honey, we need to talk?”
Girlfriend: “Okay…”
Me: “There’s no easy way to say this, but, I’m gay!”
Girlfriend: “Okay.”
Me: *confused* “Erm…”
Girlfriend: “I knew you were gay 2 months ago. It’s pretty obvious. I didn’t say anything because you needed to figure it out on your own. Now, tell me what you think of these new shoes I bought?”
(We’re still best friends, and we make constant jokes about this when we’re out with our respective boyfriends.)
(I work weekends at a local gym. We have a maintenance worker that is notoriously lazy. His boss, the director of maintenance, has instructed him to rinse off the pool deck with a hose. His boss has said he’ll check the surveillance tapes the next day to make sure he’s done his job. It should also be noted that the cameras are very grainy and cheap.)
Me: “You remembered to do the deck, right?”
Worker: *laughs* “Check this out, man: I went back there, unrolled the hose, hooked it up to the tap, and then just walked around the pool waving the hose around for 15 minutes. Then, I unhooked the hose, rolled it up, and put it back. All just so the camera could see.” *laughs some more*
Me: “You know, had you just turned the tap on, you would have actually done it. And it wouldn’t have taken you any extra time.”
Worker: “Well… yeah… but…”
(Not surprisingly, he got fired about a week later.)
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(It’s 8 am on a Sunday morning, and only my second day working the register alone at a very large, well-known 24-hour store. Two customers come up to my register with four carts overflowing with food.)
Me: “Good morning, how are you today?” *starts scanning and bagging items*
Younger Customer: “Hello, these are separate orders.”
Me: “Oh, okay! Just let me know when to stop for the first order.”
Older Customer: “Who said to scan this stuff?! What’s wrong with you!? Did I say we were ready for you to start? Are you stupid?”
Me: “Oh! Um… I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
Older Customer: “You should!”
(At this point, the older customer begins to dig through the carts with the younger customer, separating things and barking at me to scan items here and there. After a bit, she asks me the price of a box of crackers.)
Me: *checks the price on the register* “They’re [price].”
Older Customer: “No! It said something else! It was a different price!”
Me: “Well, ma’am, I can have someone check—”
Older Customer: “You don’t know the price?”
Me: “Not off the top of my head, no. I just started—”
Older Customer: “Well, I DO know the prices of everything in the store because I shop here, and that is [price]! GOD, you’re stupid! And what are you doing?! Double bag everything! You’re being an idiot on purpose, aren’t you?!”
Younger Customer: “Come on, mom. She’s trying her best.”
Older Customer: “No, she’s too stupid to work here. She shouldn’t be dealing with people if she’s this stupid!”
(She ended up calling me stupid several more times before leaving. A few months later, she went through another cashier’s line; her profession? A pastor.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] Tech Support. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The technician needs to come.”
Me: “Sorry about the issue you are having, what seems to be happening?”
Caller: “It’s too bright!”
Me: “What seems to be too bright?”
Caller: “The light!”
Me: “What light are you talking about?”
Caller: “The light on the box!”
Me: “I’m sorry, what box are you referring to?”
Caller: “Internet light!”
Me: “Is this the light to your modem or your computer?”
Caller: “The light is too bright and I can’t sleep at night. I need the tech to come out and not make it bright!”
Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Have you tried turning the modem around to face a wall or put something over the lights?”
Caller: “No, do you think that would work?”
Me: “Possibly.”
Caller: “Well, I still want my other box back! It wasn’t bright!”
Me: “…”
