A Comic Misunderstanding

, , , , , | Friendly | December 13, 2018

(I’m the stupid one in this story. I’m on vacation, and my wife and kids are looking in a bookstore while I run off to an ATM. When I come back, I see my daughter, age seven, looking through a cardboard box of comic books. Immediately my attention is focused completely on the book she’s about to open; it’s very racy and not appropriate for a seven-year-old.)

Me: “You know what? That one’s not really for kids. Let’s look for a different one.”

(I take the comic and put it back into the box before she can open it. Suddenly my wife appears at the end of the aisle, having overheard, and looks at me, horrified.)

Wife: “[My Name]! Why are you reprimanding someone else’s child?”

(I had been so focused on the comic book that I didn’t even see that the girl holding it — though she was the same height as my daughter — was not my daughter at all! That’s when I turned around and saw the girl’s actual father, to whom I apologized profusely. He must have been confused when a stranger entered the store and started criticizing his daughter’s choice of comic books!)

Bald Eagle Meets Blind Human

, , , , , , | Right | August 15, 2018

(I am part of a campground’s janitorial staff, meaning my duties include cleaning the bathroom facilities, picking up litter, etc. This occurs as I am walking with several coworkers from one of the eight bathroom facilities to the next. As we’re passing a campsite, a camper flags us down from his truck.)

Camper: “Do you guys know anything about the wildlife around here?”

(As janitorial staff, the only wildlife knowledge we have to have is what’s endangered, what’s invasive, and what’s dangerous, but while he could very well be asking for something along those lines, I have a passing knowledge beyond that, as well, so I step up.)

Me: “I’m not an expert, but I might still be able to help, and if not I’m sure I can get a hold of someone who can.”

Camper: “Do you think you can identify a bird for me?”

Me: “I could give it a try.”

Camper: “Well, it was about seven feet tall, and it had these pink and purple stripes up and down it.”

(I take a moment to think, mostly about whether or not he’s being serious.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I have no idea what that could be.”

Camper: “Well, here. Maybe a picture would help.”

(He gets out his phone, brings up a photograph, and shows it to me. It’s a very clear photo of a bald eagle standing on a dune. To this day, I have no idea where he got “seven feet tall,” or “pink and purple stripes” from.)

Me: “Oh, that’s a bald eagle.”

Camper: *looks at picture* “Are you sure?”

Do What I Want Or I’ll Hate You So There

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2018

(I work for a cell phone company. All day I chat to customers about hardware upgrades, issues with their accounts, etc. Most of the time I can’t fix their problems because of conversations like this one.)

Customer: “Hi, can you upgrade my phone, please?”

Me: “Hey, my name is [My Name]. May I have your full name and number or account number?”

Customer: “Okay, my name is [Customer] and my number is [number].”

Me: “Thank you. Just one moment while I open your account.”

(I look at his account to see what I can offer, and what I can’t. He just upgraded his phone to the new iPhone 6 Plus and owes the company $2,000; that needs to be paid before another upgrade.)

Me: “It looks like I am unable to complete your request at this time. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “WHY? THIS IS DUMB! UPGRADE MY PHONE! I WANT THE iPHONE 6S NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it looks that you have just done an upgrade and still owe on that.”

Customer: “SO? GIVE ME A NEW ONE!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I am unable as the system will not let me unless the balance is paid off in full.”

Customer: “How much do I owe?”

Me: “$2,000; that’s for the phone, the overdue bills, and device protection.”

Customer: “Can’t you just waive that if I stay with you?”

Me: “Um, no?!”

Customer: “THAT’S DUMB! I HATE [PHONE COMPANY]!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Customer: “Will you waive that fee now?”

Me: “No, I still can’t.”

(The customer disconnected from chat. That had to have been the stupidest chat ever.)

Someone Worth Talking About

, , , , , , , | Related | November 17, 2017

(A group of new students has just started jobs at my workplace. I mention this fact in conversation with my mother.)

Me: “A bunch of new students started today.”

Mom: “That’s nice. Was one of them called [Coworker]?”

Me: “Yeah. Why?”

Mom: “I think I work with his parents; they were talking about how their son was just starting his first job today, and I think they mentioned that he was at [My Workplace].”

Me: “I’ve yet to see any evidence that [Coworker] knows how to stop talking.”

Mom: *pause* “Oh, so, he takes after his mother, then.”