(I hate it when my boyfriend falls asleep on the couch, because he’s really hard to wake up and I am usually trapped on the couch with him until morning.)

Me: “Are you falling asleep?”

Boyfriend: “No. My eyes are closed but I’m listening.”

Me: “What did she just say on the TV then?”

Boyfriend: *long silence* “Huh?”

Me: “You’re asleep.”

Boyfriend: *long silence* “Nuh uh.”

(My boyfriend starts to snore and drool on my shoulder. I manage to untangle myself from him, find the remote, and turn off the TV.)

Boyfriend: “Oh my God! Why would you turn off Sister Wives? That’s so mean!”

(My wife speaks Tagalog, and so around the house we speak English with a few Tagalog words sprinkled in. The Tagalog word for water is ‘tubig’. My daughter is 2 and is in a rather contrarian phase. At dinner, my wife offers our daughter a sippy cup of water.)

Wife: “Tubig, tubig.”

Daughter: *taking the cup* “No! Too small!”

(My grandma has just watched a movie with me.)

Grandma: “Who acted the lead?”

Me: “It was [lead actress].”

Grandma: “The song at the end is nice, too. Who sang it?”

Me: “It’s [lead actress].”

Grandma: “No, who sang the song?”

Me: “She did both.”

Grandma: “Really? That’s talent!”

Me: “Yes, but she can’t write though.”

Grandma: “And she’s illiterate?”

(I go to my local chain bookstore. There’s a very bored, ditzy-looking teenage employee behind the counter.)

Me: “Hey, I’m looking for a copy of Pride and Prejudice.”

Employee: *sighs and rolls her eyes* “Um, this is a BOOKSHOP. We don’t sell DVDs!”

(We’ve recently gotten a transferred supervisor from another state, and we all just love her. We’re all particularly excited to see what happens when one of our regulars, who’s a big jerk and a misogynist, meets her. Note: I’m sweeping up a small mess when this happens.)

Mean Regular: *to me* “I see you got a new skirt around here.”

Me: “We do have a new woman working here, yes.”

Mean Regular: “Then why you sweepin’? That’s her job. It’s woman’s work!” *yells across the store at her* “Oi! B****! Why don’t you get to the jobs you supposed to be doin’? Ain’t no man’s job to sweep and clean!”

(My supervisor calmly walks over to our side of the store with a small smile on her face. Note: this customer towers over her and is much bulkier than she is.)

Mean Regular: “What you comin’ over here for?”

Female Supervisor: *calmly* “I came over here to inform you that if you yell across the store like that again, you will have to leave.”

Mean Regular: *menacingly* “What’d you say to me, b****?!”

Female Supervisor: *smiling* “I don’t make a habit of repeating myself, sir.” *to me* “Excuse me.”

(She turns to go back to what she has been doing—helping a different customer—but the mean regular starts yelling again.)

Mean Regular: “I’m gonna get you, b****, I swear I will! You’ll pay for disrespecting me! You can’t talk to me like that. I am a MAN! How dare you!”

(My supervisor stops in her tracks, pulls out her phone, swivels around and takes his picture.)

Female Supervisor: “I’m going to ask you to write down your name, address and phone number so we can contact you about your complaint, sir.”

Mean Regular: “Well, finally. A w**** who knows how to treat a real man!” *writes down his information and leaves*

Me: “What’d you do that for?”

Female Supervisor: “For the police report. He threatened me!”

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