(My cat has recently developed a rather unusual habit. The local pet shop has so-called “cat experts” on staff, so I got to talk to them to figure out if this habit is a problem.)

Me: “Hi, are you one of the cat experts?”

Employee: “Yes, ma’am! What can I do for you?”

Me: “So, my cat has been doing something kind of funny lately. I don’t really think it’s something that is that big a deal, but I want to make sure that it isn’t going to cause him any problems.”

Employee: “I’ll be the judge of that. What’s she doing?”

Me: “He. He has been burying spiders alive in his litter box. I’m thinking it’s harmless, but I have found poisonous spiders in the house. So, I’m a little concerned about him getting bitten because he eats them sometimes, too.”

Employee: “She what?”

Me: “He. My cat is a boy. He eats spiders. And sometimes buries them alive in his litter box.”

Employee: “You’ve got to stop her! She can’t do that. It’s for POOPIES!”

Me: “Right… he knows that’s what it’s for, that’s what he mostly uses it for. But when he catches spiders that he doesn’t eat, he buries them alive. I don’t think it’s a huge problem, I just want to make sure that it won’t create a health risk for him. I know it’s unlikely but since cat litter is designed to trap moisture I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to trap toxins from any potentially poisonous arachnids that could get into his system.”

Employee: “Cat litter traps moisture?”

Me: “Is there someone else I can talk to?”

Employee: “Look, whatever reason she’s doing this, you need to get your cat to stop. Spiders are GROSS anyway!”

(I ended up finding another employee to “help” me. Their suggestion? My cat needed to see a shrink.)

(I work as a hostess at an Italian restaurant franchise that has various paintings, photos, and other decor adorning the walls. One day, my manager walks up to me and begins wondering out loud.)

Manager: “Why do our walls have these lion faces embossed on them?”

Me: “In ancient Roman times, the lion head represented Hercules. He was said to wear the skin of a lion and its head as a helmet.”

Manager: *blank look* “What do Romans have anything to do with an Italian restaurant?!”

(I am in the staff room and overhear this conversation between two coworkers.)

Coworker #1: “I was watching Animal Farm with my son, but he didn’t like it very much.”

Coworker #2: “Animal Farm? Isn’t that a bit scary for children?”

Coworker #1: “Well, it might have been Babe. I can’t remember.”

Coworker #2: “The films are a bit difficult to mix up! They’re completely different!”

Coworker #1: “No! Babe is just the children’s version of Animal Farm!”

(On this particular day, we’ve received a new product. They’re outdoor lamps—the kind you actually have to mount to a wall and tie into your home’s electric circuit, with built-in speakers. As I walk by, two employees are standing, just staring at them.)

Me: “What’s wrong, guys?”

Coworker #1: “We can’t get it open.”

Me: “What?”

Coworker #2: “We can’t figure out how you open it up when the lamp burns out.”

Me: “Okay, let me try…”

(After about twenty seconds of playing with it, I manage to pop the top off. It’s a strange maneuver, but it isn’t hard to figure out. Just as I pull it off, my manager walks over.)

Manager: “What’s going on?”

Coworker #1: “We were just trying to figure out how to fix the lamp if it burns out. Don’t worry—[My Name] got it open.”

Manager: “Jeez, guys! How many employees does it take to change a light bulb?”

Me: ” I’d like you to measure off three feet of that material for me.”

Clerk: “I can’t do that.”

Me: “Why?”

Clerk: “We can only sell it by the yard.”

(As the clerk is obviously high school age, I try another approach.)

Me: “Okay, then give me one yard of that material.”

Clerk: *cheerfully* “Okay, I can do that!”