(I am shopping for shoes and am being “helped” by the salesman. Note that there is no language barrier.)

Me: “Um, I don’t think this pair is going to do it.”

Salesman: “What’s the matter with them?”

Me: “They don’t fit.”

Salesman: “But what’s wrong with them?”

Me: “They hurt here…” *pointing* “…and here…” *pointing* “…and they are squashing my toes.

Salesman: *gets agitated* “But what’s wrong with them?!”

Me: “I think the toes may be too pointy. I guess I have rather square feet.”

Salesman: “But you don’t like them?!”

Me: “No, I think my toes are too—”

Salesman: “I can’t help it if you have stupid feet!”

(I’ve just had minor surgery on my hand and returned to work. I am wearing a bandage and a glove over that for health and safety reasons. Note that this is Australia, where there are precisely zero bears.)

Coworker: “Why are you wearing a glove?”

Me: *lifts up arm to show her the bandage*

Coworker: “Oooh, how’d that happen? Did you… cut yourself?! Tell me!”

Me: “Nah. Got in a fight with a bear.”

Coworker: “Really? Wow!”

Me: “Yeah, I know, it was intense.”

Coworker: *completely serious* “How’d you get in a fight with a bear?!”

(My manager is adding in the nutritional information for macaroni and cheese into the scale printer.)

Manager: “Wow, I didn’t know that there was so much salt in this mac and cheese! In a medium-sized container, there is 50% of your daily sodium.”

Coworker: “What? HALF that container is salt?!”

Manager: “No. I mean a medium-sized container of mac and cheese has 50% of your daily salt intake.”

Coworker: “So… half of that mac and cheese is salt?”

Manager: “No, I mean that there is a lot of salt in this mac and cheese. If one was to eat a medium-sized container, they would have 50% of their salt.”

Coworker: “Oh, I get it. Half of that is salt!”

(My boyfriend and I have both worked in the service industry for years, so we know it can be rough. We had just bought a couch from a furniture company and it arrived without legs. We have been waiting for hours on hold and speaking with various employees.)

Me: “Hi, my couch just got delivered but it doesn’t have any legs.”

Employee: “Okay…?”

Me: “So, can you have someone come and drop them off?”

Employee: “Hmm… well, you know you can buy legs for a sofa from pretty much any hardware store, right?”

Me: “Yes, but I already bought them from you.”

Employee: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Okay. Well, if you bought a car from a dealership and they gave it to you but it didn’t have wheels, would you ask them where the wheels you already paid for are, or go buy a new set of tires from someone else?”

Employee: “I still don’t really get it.”

Me: “…is there someone else I can talk to?”

(I’m an Network Admin and a few of my coworkers are less than computer-savvy.)

Coworker: “Hey [My Name], could you come here and look at my computer?”

Me: “Yeah, what’s up?”

Coworker: “The browser is going real slowly… I think I ran out of internet.”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I think I’ve run out of internet.”

Me: “Okay, let me go back to the server room for a moment.”

(I renew his IP address. Sure enough, the computer works fine again.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey! It works!”

Me: “Yeah, I rerouted a little more internet to your computer. Just be a little more careful using this ’cause we don’t get more until next month.”

Coworker: “Okay, thanks!”