(I am visiting my dad in Paris, but since I live in Germany and both my parents are German, my French is a little rusty. After some stressful time on the train to Paris, I have to find the right metro. I am already near an anxiety attack when I am approached by an older lady. The whole conversation takes place in French.)

Lady: “One euro? Two euros?”

Me: *confused stare, since she has interrupted me in my search for my metro*

Lady: “One euro? Two euros?”

Me: “What?”

Lady: “Do you speak French?”

Me: “Um, no, I don’t speak it very well.”

Lady: *mocking tone* “Oh, you don’t speak it well? Oh, well, you’re in France, aren’t you?”

Me: “Yes?”

Lady: “So, you speak French!”

(I feel very oppressed by her attitude; her tone is outright aggressive, and she comes nearer and nearer, so I snap.)

Me: “What do you want from me? Leave me alone!”

(I walked straight away from her, but while I searched for my trains, she tried to approach me several more times. I’ve never run so fast to the station. And lady: Just because I am in France, it doesn’t mean I speak French! I was in Switzerland once, but I still don’t speak their accent. But the rest of my stay at my dad’s apartment was lovely, and showed me why I love this country!)

(I’m in a Spanish lesson. It may be important to note that my teacher has an Irish accent.)

Teacher: “Remember back when we studied jobs? Who can tell me what ‘abogado’ means?”

Student: “Shark?”

Teacher: “What? Jobs!”

Student: “Oh… I thought you said ‘jaws.’”

Teacher: *jokingly* “When I get older, I want to be a shark.”

(I am serving a customer when an older woman comes up and speaks to me in a language other than English.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

(The older woman shrugs and wanders off.)

Customer: *in a snooty voice* “She was speaking Arabic; she asked you for a bag.”

Me: “Oh, did she? I’ll get her one when I’ve finished serving you.”

Customer: “You don’t speak Arabic, then?”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Customer: “You mustn’t be very well-travelled, then.”

Me: *annoyed now* “Unfortunately not. I’m afraid I only speak four languages: English, Spanish, French, and Polish. Had she spoken to me in any of those languages, I could have responded, but unfortunately I have not yet learnt Arabic.”

Customer: “Well, I speak the language fluently. It’s quite an important language in Australia.”

(I’ve just finished an Anthropology course on migration in Australia, so I know this fact.)

Me: “You’re right; it’s currently spoken by almost 1% of our population.”

(She went red at this and we finished the transaction in silence.)

(Some colleagues who like scuba diving are explaining it to the rest of us:)

Colleague #1: “You just have to remember that you can breathe underwater; don’t spit out your regulator no matter what, and then you are fine.”

Colleague #2: *non-diver* “What happens if you drop it?”

Colleague #1: “You have a spare clipped to your waist.”

Colleague #2: “So, when you put the spare back in your mouth do you just have to swallow the water?”

Colleague #3: “No, there’s a button that ejaculates the water.”

(The rest of us completely lose it.)

Colleague #3: “I think the word I was looking for was ‘evacuates.’”

(Two of my friends and I are working on verb tenses together in Latin.)

Friend #1: “So, this would be dicit.” *pronounces it dix-it*

Me: “Actually, it’s pronounced ‘dicit.'” *dik-it* “The Cs are always hard in Latin.”

Friend #2: “That’s what she said!”

(She didn’t let me live that down for the rest of the day.)