(I work at a major electronics retailer. On this particular day I am in the computer department when I approach a friendly, somewhat stereotypically redneck, southern man to see if he needs any help.)

Me: “Hi there! What brings you in today?”

Customer: “Well, I’m lookin’ at some o’ these laptop computers, and besides Sony or Haytch-P or Tuhshibuh, what other brands do you like?”

Me: “Well, we have a great deal on an Asus—” *I pronounce it “AY-soos”* “—and it’s really—”

Customer: *interrupting* “’AY-SOOS?!’ Ain’t that what the Mexicans call Jesus?”

(A classmate’s birthday was earlier this week.)

Teacher: “My birthday’s tomorrow, guys.”

Student: “My sister’s birthday is tomorrow.”

Teacher: “Oh! So you’re both virgins! Virgos!” *runs out of room*

(For a future program, we’re having a conversation about medical marijuana being sold in our state. We have the program advertised on the bulletin board when this happens. A woman sees the advertisement, and then begins screaming across the lobby at us.)

Woman: “YOU’RE SELLING WEED?!”

Us: “No, it’s a conversation!”

Woman: “BUT IT SAYS YOU’RE SELLING WEED!”

Us: “It’s a conversation about selling weed!”

(The woman comes to the front desk.)

Us: “You got excited, didn’t you?”

Woman: “Yeah…”

(I am a high-schooler who works as a lifeguard over the summer. I have many stories that I could tell, but the worst starts when a woman goes down the slide on her stomach, which you aren’t allowed to do. I call her over and try to tell her this, but she keeps acting confused and talking to me in another language. I have seen her talking to a kid, so I call him over.)

Me: “Hi there. Do you speak English?”

Kid: *confused* “Yes.”

Me: “Do you know this woman?”

Kid: *still confused* “Yes. She’s my mom.”

Me: “Great! I was wondering if you could translate for me?”

Kid: *even more confused* “Okay.”

Me: “Could you please tell her that she isn’t supposed to go down the slide on her stomach, and ask her to please not do it again?”

(The kid relayed the message in their language, still looking very confused. The woman nodded, and they both went back to the pool. On a hunch, I checked later with my friend who worked at the entrance to the pool. Apparently, he and the woman had a nice little chat, in English, on her way into the pool. I hope she had a great time explaining to her son why he’d had to translate for her!)

(I am planning a trip to Athens with several friends. I am at home discussing the costs and stuff with my mom when this happens.)

Me: “The hotel would be really cheap for a two-week stay, even. It’s crazy. Crap’s so cheap over there—”

Mom: “[MY NAME]! You know once you try that stuff you get addicted; how could you even think of going and doing that?!”

Me: *bemused* “What, travelling? I mean it’s not the worst thing to be addicted to. Maybe your wallet would disagree.”

Mom: “Crack is so bad for you, [My Name]; I can’t believe—”

Me: “Wait, what? You thought I said ‘crack’? I said ‘crap’. Oh, my gosh, Mom.”

(It’s been a few weeks and I’m still teasing her over that.)