Who Mourns For Adonis?

, , , , , , | Right | March 23, 2021

I am conducting an English-speaking tour of the museum for some American tourists. We are in the Greek history section where we have several very famous and beautiful statues from the period.

Me: “This is the statue of Adonis, the ancient Greek god of beauty and desire.”

I am interrupted by one of the tourists, a middle-aged woman.

Tourist: “Nu-uh! That’s a man!”

Me: “Yes, Adonis was a male god.”

Tourist: “Ain’t no man gonna be a god of beauty. That’s the… uh… the Venus!”

Me: “Venus was the Roman goddess of beauty and love, and her Greek counterpart would have been Aphrodite.”

Tourist: “No! No man is going to be beautiful! That’s just wrong!”

Me: “I… uh… Well, I am sorry, ma’am, but that’s what the ancient Greeks believed.”

Tourist: “I bet he was one of those men who dressed up as women! That’s wrong!”

I let her rant for a while as she was not being too loud and I could continue the tour, only for my heart to sink as we progressed along the tour and got to another famous statue: Hermaphroditus, the god of hermaphrodites and effeminates.

This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

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Not Bready For This Level Of Cheapness

, , , | Right | December 28, 2020

I am visiting Paris with my family and we’re eating in a little café. At the front of the café, they have bread samples.

As we’re eating, an old lady runs up to the sample tray and stuffs all of the bread into her purse.

Worker: “Why did you do that?!”

Old Lady: *In broken English* “It is free so I can take as much as I want!”

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The Polar Express Was Cancelled

, , , , , , , , | Right | December 24, 2020

The transportation strike has begun in France. I want to celebrate Christmas with my mom and dad, who live hundreds of kilometers away from me. It’s important for me because my dad is currently going through chemotherapy. My mom has to take care of him and I want to be with them for Christmas and give them all the moral support I can. I intend to take the train because I don’t own a car. Some French people don’t need them because our big cities have good networks of subways and buses.

Then, my train is cancelled. All the other trains are either full or cancelled. I try to search through carpooling websites but unfortunately, I have anxiety and going through these sites is too much for me. (Please, don’t laugh. I’m not weak; I just have a disability.) Moreover, I travel with my cat and a lot of carpoolers don’t accept animals. It seems like I’m going to spend Christmas away from my family this year. I’m very upset.

I mention my cancelled train in front of my coworkers at work. One of them tells me that her brother and his wife will be driving to the same place this weekend. She phones him and she tells me it’s okay; I can travel with her brother. They’re not even bothered by my kitty.

I meet her brother and his wife a few days later. They’re both incredibly nice people and they drop me with my cat at my parents’ door a few hours later. I try to make them accept money. They refuse and I eventually give them a box of chocolates. I will always be grateful to these wonderful people who allowed a person with special needs to spend Christmas with her very sick dad and her mom who really needed support.

This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for December 2020!

Read the next Feel Good roundup for December 2020 story!

Read the Feel Good roundup for December 2020!

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Turning Into A Soap Opera, Part 4

, , , | Right | December 7, 2020

I work for a cosmetic brand and I am helping a woman choose between two different shower gels. She can’t decide between two scents. She is so uncertain that I show her the bar soap. She completely freezes and asks:

Customer: “But does it wash your body?”

Me: “Well, yes, it’s soap. It’s for the body.”

Customer: “But how do you use it?”

Me: *Puzzled* “You scrub your body with it.”

Customer: “But can I use it in the shower?”

Me: *More and more dismayed* “Well, yes! It is made for washing your body; it is soap! Where else would you want to use it?”

Turning Into A Soap Opera, Part 3
Turning Into A Soap Opera, Part 2
Turning Into A Soap Opera

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Time To Retire From This Call

, , , , , | Working | October 20, 2020

My mother had me at thirty-five years old. Even though she’s retiring in a few months, she’s still working her long-term job at sixty-seven years old, but is taking full advantage of her right to do it remotely. She’s one of the lucky ones, as people past their mid-fifties are notoriously under-employed.

I, meanwhile, am at an age where most people have started their own household, but doing so has ended up not being in my stars. It’s a workday and new neighbors doing construction work have driven my mother to a small room and headphones blasting relaxing music.

The phone rings and I pick it up.

Representative: “Hi, I’m from [Place that makes sure people know they can get their homes insulated for cheap due to a government program].”

That program has been one of our recurring cold-callers who come back despite various “not interested” answers, but my mother has very recently been considering getting some work done that would technically count as heat insulation, and my own work is slow so I’m more in the mood to speak with one of their representatives than usual. The discussion quickly reaches the point where I have informed the representative that she’s not actually speaking to the house’s owner and mentioned my mother’s age.

Representative: “And where’s your mother right now?”

Me: “In the house, but she’s busy with her job.”

Representative: *In disbelief* “Is your mother really busy with her job at age sixty-seven?”

In the time it took for me to process that answer, my brain also pointed out that the questions had gotten a little too personal and that hanging up was probably the best course of action. With our government both considering adding financial penalties to early retirement and expecting my generation to retire a few years later than our parents did, a sixty-seven-year-old having a job shouldn’t be treated as something difficult to believe.

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