Mind Over Biodegradable Matter

, | Right | October 1, 2009

(I work in a very environmentally conscious salon. We provide mugs for people to use for their coffee so that no garbage is created.)

Me: “Hi! My name is [My Name]. I’m going to be cutting your hair today. Tell me what you would like to–”

Customer: “Do you have a styrofoam cup?”

Me: “We have mugs right here. Would you like some coffee?”

Customer: “Are you crazy? I can’t use a public mug. I’m a doctor! Do you even know what kind of germs are on those mugs?!”

Me: “I assure you that the mugs are perfectly clean. Also, we don’t believe in using styrofoam because it is bad for the environment.”

Customer: “Are you for real? You don’t have a styrofoam cup anywhere in this whole place?”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

(I get her away from the coffee discussion and start cutting her hair and making small talk.)

Me: “So, what kind of doctor are you?”

Customer: “A psychiatrist.”

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Appease The Portuguese

, , , , , | Right | September 7, 2009

(Many South African liquor stores are owned by Portuguese people.)

Customer: “Obrigado!”

(Speaks in Portuguese.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, I don’t speak Portuguese.”

Customer: “WHAT?! Your family didn’t raise you in this s*** country to forget where we come from!” *guttural swearing in Portuguese*

Me: “Yes, sir, but–”

Customer: “WHAT THE F***! Did your daddy run away and leave your mother that you can’t speak, huh? You’re a half-breed! What you gonna do when this f***ing country goes to s*** and we gotta leave, huh?”

Me: “Well–”

Customer: “So, do you even THINK of yourself as Portuguese? Or are you ashamed of where you come from, or what?”

Me: “I’m Spanish.”

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Pants-Fulfilling Prophecy

, , | Right | September 7, 2009

(A coworker of mine is looking through racks of clothes, trying to find where a shirt goes. A customer and her friend approach her as she’s doing this.)

Customer: “Why the h*** are you following us?”

Coworker: “Um… sorry?”

Customer: “You don’t have to follow us around the whole store. I’m not going to steal some cheap $5 shirt.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to figure out where this shirt goes.”

Customer: “Shouldn’t you know where it goes? You do work here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, ma’am, they change the layout every few days.”

Customer: “I should sue you for discrimination!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, if I thought you were going to steal from us, the manager would be following you, not me.”

Customer: “Whatever! We’re leaving!”

(As the customer turns away, my coworker notices a tag sticking out from the pants of the woman who was with the angry customer.)

Coworker: “Tell your friend that she can pay for that shirt she’s trying to steal at the front of the store.”

Customer’s Friend: “S**t!”

(The customer and her friend both bolted from the store, dropping the shirt in the process.)

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Butthead, The Incontinence Years

, , , | Right | July 23, 2009

(I notice a customer is standing in front of a freezer. After remaining there for several minutes, I get concerned.)

Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

(At this point, I notice that he’s urinated in the freezer. The customer turns around, zips up his fly, and then pulls his shirt over his head.)

Customer: “I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR ME BUNGHOLE!” *runs away*

Coworker: “They don’t pay us enough for this.”

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Great Game Until The Tornado Stole Home

, , , | Right | July 16, 2009

Customer: *on the phone and angry* “HOW DARE YOU RUN AN EMERGENCY ALERT DURING THE RED SOX GAME?! BASES LOADED!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry for the inconvenience. We have no control over the emergency alerts.”

Customer: “CAN’T THEY DO IT AT NIGHT?! I’M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME! BASES ARE LOADED!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, unfortunately, the emergency alert will broadcast during an emergency situation; we have no control over when that will happen.

Customer: “WELL, YOU BETTER GET SOME CONTROL OVER IT!” *click*

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