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Don’t Have A Cow, Ma’am

, , , , , , | Right | January 25, 2013

(It’s my first day working in this cafe. It’s late in the afternoon and we are getting ready to close. I am in the back kitchen, cleaning, when I overhear this conversation between the waitress and a customer who has just walked in and is looking at the food we have left on display.)

Waitress: “Hi! What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Don’t you have anything else vegetarian? All I can see are these quiches, and they look disgusting! Like they’ve been here for hours!”

Waitress: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Normally we do have a few more vegetarian options, pasties and such, but as you can see, it’s almost the end of the day, so we’ve sold out of most things. But I can assure you that the quiches are baked fresh here and these ones are still fine to eat.”

Customer: “Well, they look terrible. I’ll just have one of those pies.”

Waitress: “Are you sure, ma’am? These are meat pies; they’re not vegetarian.”

Customer: “Just give me a d*** pie!”

(The waitress reluctantly bags up the pie and the customer pays for it and leaves in a huff. Sure enough, less than five minutes later, the customer returns.)

Customer: “How dare you sell this to me! It’s not vegetarian! It’s got f***ing meat in it! What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

Me: *to my fellow kitchen employees* “I’m going to love working here, aren’t I?”


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This Vegetarian Is A Red Herring

, , | Right | May 5, 2011

Customer: “I’d like your chicken caesar wrap, please. With no chicken or bacon bits.”

Me: “Are you a vegetarian?”

Customer: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Well, I just wanted you to know that the caesar salad dressing has anchovy paste in it.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Anchovy is a kind of fish.”

Customer: “I said I was vegetarian, not vegan.”

That Would Be A Mis-Steak

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2010

Customer: “Does this honey-baked ham contain real honey?”

Me: “Yes, it’s a honey glaze.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t get it, then. It was for my daughter; she’s vegan. She can’t have honey, as she doesn’t believe in eating any animal products.”

Not To La-boar The Point

, , , | Right | December 28, 2009

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Store]. What would you like, sir?”

Customer: “Actually, I have a question. What is ham made of?”

Me: “It’s made of pigs.”

Customer: “Pigs? What are pigs made of?”

Me: “Pigs, the animal.”

Customer: *confused look*

Me: “Oink oink.”

Customer: “Oh! Does that mean it’s not vegan?”


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The Beginnings Of A Three Hour Cruise

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2009

(A man in fishing boots has been standing at our bookstore’s help counter for fifteen minutes. Every time someone comes to ask for an item, the man interrupts me and “helps” the customer find whatever they are looking for.)

Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m trying to find a cookbook with vegan recipes and I was wondering if you could give me some titles?”

Me: “Well, we have several titles by Isa Chandra Moskowitz–”

Fisherman: “Vegans? What the h*** are vegans?!”

Me: “People who don’t eat any sort of animal product. Honey, gelatin, that sort of–”

Fisherman: “D***ed intellectuals don’t know anything about eatin’! Vegans are those folks who go fishin’ by throwin’ a car battery over the side of the boat! I KNOW where THOSE books are, and I’LL SHOW YA!”

(He grabbed the customer by the hand and dragged her off down an aisle. I didn’t see either of them again, which worries me to this day.)


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