(For a brief span of time my cafe served a full menu of food items for breakfast and lunch. Since then we have discontinued the menu, but during the time we had it, every so often a person would come in and be very interested in the ingredients of our very simple fare. All ingredients are listed in three different places in plain sight, on boards and on physical handheld menus. A woman walks in and looks over the menu with her friend close behind her. She reads over the ingredients of a tuna melt sandwich and chats with her friend about meat. Apparently, she is vegan and is unsure what she wants to order. After about three minutes, I ask her if she knows what she would like to get.)

Customer: “I am thinking of ordering the tuna melt; is it vegan? Because I absolutely cannot have cheese as a vegan.”

Me: “I am sorry; are you asking me if the sandwich has meat in it? Because it certainly has fish in it.”

Customer: “No, I just want to know about the cheese. I am a very strict vegan, and need to know exactly what is in this sandwich.”

Me: *not sure how to respond* “Yes, it has cheese in it, but it also has fish.”

Customer: “BUT THE CHEESE! Just for love of God, does it have cheese? Don’t you know what a vegan is? I cannot have cheese at all!”

Me: “Yes, it has cheese in it, but it also has fish. It is marked as not vegan, or even potentially vegetarian on the menu. Perhaps you would be interested in one of the other items that boast no animal products of any type.”

Customer: *starts to get angry* “Are you even listening to me? I said I am V-E-G-A-N. Cheese is the issue.”

Me: “Yes, it has cheese on it. However, we cannot serve you vegan tuna, as it does not exist in the way you might think it does. But you are more than welcome to order it sans cheese.”

Customer: “This is so insulting! I will never come here again!”

(Her friend chimes in:)

Customer’s Friend: “How dare you question her vegan lifestyle? I was told this place accommodates vegan options!”

Me: “Look, lady, fish isn’t vegan, and neither is cheese. I really don’t want you to get sick over ordering food that you have said you absolutely can’t have, but I can’t make something that is meat not meat. Fish is not vegan.”

Customer: “This is an awful place; I should be able to get vegan food!”

(She stormed out. My tone of voice up until the end was very confused, trying to figure out if I was hearing her correctly. She legitimately wanted a vegan tuna sandwich.)

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(It’s my first day working in this cafe. It’s late in the afternoon and we are getting ready to close. I am in the back kitchen, cleaning, when I overhear this conversation between the waitress and a customer who has just walked in and is looking at the food we have left on display.)

Waitress: “Hi! What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Don’t you have anything else vegetarian? All I can see are these quiches, and they look disgusting! Like they’ve been here for hours!”

Waitress: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Normally we do have a few more vegetarian options, pasties and such, but as you can see, it’s almost the end of the day, so we’ve sold out of most things. But I can assure you that the quiches are baked fresh here and these ones are still fine to eat.”

Customer: “Well, they look terrible. I’ll just have one of those pies.”

Waitress: “Are you sure, ma’am? These are meat pies; they’re not vegetarian.”

Customer: “Just give me a d*** pie!”

(The waitress reluctantly bags up the pie and the customer pays for it and leaves in a huff. Sure enough, less than five minutes later, the customer returns.)

Customer: “How dare you sell this to me! It’s not vegetarian! It’s got f***ing meat in it! What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

Me: *to my fellow kitchen employees* “I’m going to love working here, aren’t I?”

This story is part of the Crazy-First-Day roundup!

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(Note: our hot dogs come with chili and coleslaw on them, and customers frequently ask for them without one or the other.)

Customer: “I’ll have a hot dog with cheddar cheese and no meat.”

Me: “Sure. Do you still want the coleslaw?”

Customer: “Yes, and be sure to toast the bun.”

(I put her order in, and return a short time later with a hot dog in a toasted bun with cheese and coleslaw.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I asked for no meat. This has meat on it.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you meant you didn’t want the chili. Could you explain to me what it is you’d like?”

Customer: “Well, I said no meat! Take the hot dog out!”

Me: “Okay, so just to be clear: you want a toasted hot dog bun with cheese and coleslaw… but no hot dog?”

Customer: “Yes! Is that so hard?”

Me: “I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding. Would you like me to bring you a grilled cheese sandwich with coleslaw in it? It would be less expensive.”

Customer: “I specifically asked for a hot dog. A grilled cheese is not a hot dog!”

Customer: “I’d like your chicken caesar wrap, please. With no chicken or bacon bits.”

Me: “Are you a vegetarian?”

Customer: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Well, I just wanted you to know that the caesar salad dressing has anchovy paste in it.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Anchovy is a kind of fish.”

Customer: “I said I was vegetarian, not vegan.”

Customer: “Does this honey-baked ham contain real honey?”

Me: “Yes, it’s a honey glaze.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t get it, then. It was for my daughter; she’s vegan. She can’t have honey, as she doesn’t believe in eating any animal products.”