Me: “Hello, welcome to [Store]. What would you like, sir?”
Customer: “Actually, I have a question. What is ham made of?”
Me: “It’s made of pigs.”
Customer: “Pigs? What are pigs made of?”
Me: “Pigs, the animal.”
Customer: *confused look*
Me: “Oink oink.”
Customer: “Oh! Does that mean it’s not vegan?”
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(A man in fishing boots has been standing at our bookstore’s help counter for fifteen minutes. Every time someone comes to ask for an item, the man interrupts me and “helps” the customer find whatever they are looking for.)
Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m trying to find a cookbook with vegan recipes and I was wondering if you could give me some titles?”
Me: “Well, we have several titles by Isa Chandra Moskowitz–”
Fisherman: “Vegans? What the h*** are vegans?!”
Me: “People who don’t eat any sort of animal product. Honey, gelatin, that sort of–”
Fisherman: “D***ed intellectuals don’t know anything about eatin’! Vegans are those folks who go fishin’ by throwin’ a car battery over the side of the boat! I KNOW where THOSE books are, and I’LL SHOW YA!”
(He grabbed the customer by the hand and dragged her off down an aisle. I didn’t see either of them again, which worries me to this day.)
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Me: *preparing a gyro wrap for a customer* “Would you like cheese on it?”
Customer: “Oh my God, no! I’m a VEGAN! Don’t you know what they do to cows in those horrible farms? They force them to get pregnant all the time, and then they take away their babies and kill them so we humans can steal their milk! Dairy products are cruelty!”
Me: “Okay, okay. No cheese. Moving along. What sauces would you like on that?”
Customer: “Tzatziki sauce, please.”
(Note: the particular brand of tzatziki we purchased included both yogurt and sour cream.)
Me: “Ah, I’m afraid that’s a dairy prod–”
Customer: “I DON’T CARE! PUT IT ON!”
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